Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Week of November 29th, 2013

Hiya...posting earlier this week as we are off to Singapore for the long Thanksgiving weekend.  We are staying at the Marina Bay Sands.  Check out that killer pool.

This weeks installment of "Chinese will sleep anywhere" features our own Betty.  On her latest trip, her co workers found it hilarious to take a photo of her snoozing whenever they were driving.  This is but one offering from a montage of 10 pictures they sent of her out cold.  Each photo has her napping in a different location and outfit.  Fortunately, none of them show her drooling.
And this week's installment of unintentionally racist media comes from International SOS Security Advisories.  Not sure how I got on their email list, but get regular updates from them about places to avoid, usually due to weather or political flare-up.  This one refers to a province in Northeastern China.  Dying to know what color the two higher alerts are.

"At least seven highways in Liaoning province were fully or partially closed on 24 November due to smog. The Chinese Meteorological Administration (CMA) has issued a yellow snowstorm alert (the lowest in a three-tier colour-coded warning system) for central-eastern Heilongjiang, Central-eastern Jilin and northern Liaoning provinces. On the previous day, several roads were closed in Heilongjiang province, while all flights at Harbin Taiping International Airport (HRB, Heilongjiang) were cancelled due to poor visibility."  Delightful

Since this is a short week and don't have a ton of time, thought I would share the first draft of the article I wrote about driving in Taiwan.  The intent was to submit to the local English paper or Community Center magazine.  Have since edited it down, cleaned up the language, added pictures, etc., and am waiting to hear back if they will publish, but since I had this (very) raw version, didn't want to waste it.  Enjoy and have a great Thanksgiving...

I have lived in Taipei just over a year, and from day one, have been delighted with the city.  Stuff works...the water is clean, public transportation is cost efficient, quick and reliable, and there are many interesting things to do and places to eat.  And the people are amazing.  The country produces many high end products (a testament to hard work and ingenuity), I feel safer here walking around in the wee hours of the morning than I do in the middle of the day almost anywhere else, and just about everyone we meet has been kind and helpful to us, which is especially wonderful for someone challenged by not knowing the language.

So what is up with their style of driving?  How can this society of cordial and hard working people turn into such total @$$#*({$ when they get behind the wheel?

Before I dig in, I should tell you why I think I am qualified to judge.  I grew up in Southern California where the car is king.  Started riding a moped at 13 and got my license on my 16th birthday.  My commutes to work have been 1-2 hours in peak rush hour traffic at times.  I have driven across country more than once, and have lived or driven all over the world (including the UK and Australia where they drive on the right (wrong) side of the road.  And my mother, who was seventy-five at the time, even told me over a couple glasses of wine that I was conceived in a car, so consider driving as being an integral part of my DNA.

Are the Taiwanese "bad" drivers?  I am not going to claim that the United States, or any country for that matter, has cornered the market on superior drivers.  There is a percentage of every population with people that are spatially challenged, or have hit that point in life where reaction time has slowed and vision impaired.  The fact that the locals are able to maneuver in the narrowest of lanes and alleys would indicate that they are competent, but it is the volume and nature of the aggressive drivers here that is astounding.

I am not going to go into the fact that a red light means that you have 4 more seconds to enter the intersection, or that the majority of people parking at the Costco insist on backing into the spot (shake my head as I watch them load a cubic meter of toilet paper and 20 kilos of rice into their trunks which are up against a wall).  And will not tackle today the fact that pedestrians need to fear for their lives anytime they have to cross a street (in my opinion, they are considered more precious than an orange traffic cone, but less valuable than the automated traffic control scarecrows).  Nor will I detail that the use of turn signals is an invitation for another driver to block your move.  If I were to change the driving culture, the place I would start is the aggressive turning from the wrong lane.

There are two scenarios that I see repeated on an endless loop when on the road.  The first example...you have three lanes where two are clearly marked with arrows going straight while the left lane is a left turn only lane.  The light is red and there are cars piled up in the two straight lanes while there are only a couple in the left turn lane.  The bad guy will zip up the left turn lane to the front of the line and probe with his front bumper into the straight lane in a game of chicken until someone allows him in.  Not only does the process basically stop progress in that straight lane, but now everyone that has waited their turn is delayed because the cutter has decided that his time if far more important that everyone else.

The second scenario is the reverse.  Same three lanes, one going left, only this time the traffic is piled up in the left turn lane.  Our narcissistic driver will then travel in the open straight lane then dive into the intersection to make the left.  As the quantity of drivers that think this is OK is high, we now have multiples behind him, which now blocks the straight lane that they are making the illegal turn from.  In a lot of these cases, the illegal left turner edges so far out into the oncoming traffic lane that people have to swerve so as not to crash head-on into him. 

These take on many forms.  I drive by the Taipei City Hospital twice a day, and there is a street that is two lanes, one clearly marked with straight lane, and one marked to turn right in front of the hospital.  At least once a week, I will see a car waiting to make that right, but there is a pedestrian, often times someone who is disabled and going to the doctor, crossing the street.  Our impatient driver above cannot see what is going on in front of him, so he decides that the car in front of him is sleeping and he is going to veer into the straight lane to go around the waiting car to make the right turn, and almost hits the poor old guy with the oxygen tank.

So how did we get here?  My theory is that many of the people driving cars now got their first experience on the roads driving a scooter.  A lot of people are afraid of the scooter riders, but I find them to be quite good for the most part.  There are plenty that take unnecessary risks like driving in blind spots and speed veering through traffic, but they are usually endangering their own lives.  While it would be just a scratch on the automobile, I wish they would mellow out because the poor driver that ends of hitting the scooter rider through no fault of his own will have to live with the sight of someone getting hurt by his own vehicle.  As the majority of people learned the roads on a scooter, and there is a tacit agreement with the 4-wheeled drivers that it is OK to slip through cars to get to the front of an intersection, when they later get their cars, they then believe that getting to the front of the line by any means possible is the correct way to drive. 

Another part of all this cutting people off that amazes me is that no one gets mad.  You rarely hear a horn honked or see a finger raised.  Coming from the land of road rage, I fully expect to see fist fights breaking out at every intersection, but it feels that all the divers on the road think this behavior is OK.  I believe this is partially due to anonymity of the driver with the heavy tinting of windows that appears legal.  Most car windows are so blackened out that you barely see a silhouette of the driver, many times picking his/her nose.  Side note...the car is an acceptable place to pick ones nose, but it seems like it is the national pastime around here. 

And where does all the cutting get you but to the next red light.  Honestly, have you ever driven through more than two green lights at a time here?  I understand the methodology to the city planners syncing of traffic lights in this way, and it works quite well in keeping congestion low for the most part, so should encourage people to mellow out and slow down, because the risk they take to not only their own, but others lives has little reward.

This is my open and honest statement to the people of Taiwan.  You have an amazing country and are a fantastic people, but until the time comes when the show of respect to strangers in public situations is same that you would afford your own mother, you will never gain the respect you deserve from the world.

And I know you can do it.  When we were researching moving here, I pulled out an old National Geographic from 1993 with an article on Taiwan.  There is this picture of a street clogged with scooters, and only about 25% of the riders were wearing helmets.  Today, you cannot find a single rider (save for the more than occasional toddler sandwiched between mom and dad...those people should be arrested on the spot) without proper head gear.  Have been told that the government made wearing helmets the law many years ago, and that they put teeth behind it with severe fines for those riders caught without one.  Magically and overnight, all riders were wearing helmets. 

The laws governing turns are on the books, and the challenge is to the government to enforce them.  They love their cameras around here so why not install the enforcement type at the intersections.  The speed cams are quite effective (full disclosure, I received seven speeding tickets in the first two months after arriving here.  Speaking of those, while I am sure they generate some decent revenue, once you know where they are, they are pretty easy to defeat.  In fact, I would argue they are ultimately more dangerous than helpful as people will speed and then slam on the brakes knowing one is coming up, thereby causing more rear end collisions.

You also see tons of orange cone and whistle traffic wielding officers all over, and people will do illegal maneuvers right in front of them.  Give them the power to write down a license and send the ticket through the mail (as they do with the traffic cams).  People will obviously deny their infraction without proof, so you make the first infraction a warning, and then hit them hard on the second.  How about NT$5000 for the second and then NT$10,000 for the third?  I think the government would love a new way to generate some revenue while making the roads a safer place to be.  A classic win-win scenarios. 

There should also be special rules and punishment for taxi drivers, who are uniformly the biggest scofflaws of all.  We all know they have two modes; First, looking for a fare.  Driving slow and making wild and unpredictable turns without warning if they suspect a fare is possible.  Second, I have the fare and will drive like a bat out of hell to complete the ride and move back into the first mode.  While the car's registered owner gets the ticket in the photo radar or proposal above, you have to go after the driver.  I am not saying that you draw and quarter them and then put their head on a spike at some busy intersection as an example to the rest of the drivers (at least not on the first infraction anyway), but you threaten to take away his livelihood with large fines or license suspensions, and I bet they fall in line faster than a fat kid waiting for a piece of birthday cake.

Perhaps the worst offenders of all are the public bus drivers.  They drive as aggressively as taxi at times and there should be zero tolerance for infractions by them.  I appreciate that the taxis and buses are trying to get their passengers to their destinations quickly, but they invariably are the ones causing the biggest delays.

It is easy Taiwan...let's make it happen. 


Saturday, November 23, 2013

Week of November 22nd, 2013

Learned an interesting fact about the Taipei American School last night...they randomly drug test the high school students.  Am told that the kids know about it...what they do is take a hair follicle and send it to the States for testing.  I know they can't do that in public schools...can you imagine how fast peoples heads would explode?  When they make a big oil discovery, they say that it could power such and such for a 100 years.  Initiating involuntary public school drug testing would power the law profession for a 1000 years.  In private school, I guess you gotta play by their rules or hit the bricks.  I hadn't heard this factoid before and am not sure how I feel about it yet. 

Speaking of conniption fits, want to share this video of the Taiwanese traffic scarecrow.  I love these guys.


Extremely effective without wasting a body standing around with a sign.  You know the LADWP union would freak if they tried to replace jobs with these battery powered heroes.  And just think of the fun you could have with them 'round Halloween time?

Two follow-ups from last year.  One, have detailed the regular battle between me and the rest of the family about brightness and how I like muted lighting while the rest of them crank up the wattage.   Walking around recently on a super bright sunny day, it hit me that Chinese people just don't wear sunglasses.  You will see some women with them, but they are usually well heeled (or are trying to look so) and can tell it is a fashion statement.  No matter how bright it is, I have never seen a dude wear shades.

Next, early in our stay here, I railed in this space about the Kitchen Aid coffee maker we bought here and how it is not only awkward to clean properly, but is impossible to pour without dribbling coffee on the counter.  Over a year later, have yet to figure it out.

I have tried everything including pouring with my left/cheating hand.  It makes decent coffee and am too cheap to buy a new one, but had to get it off of my chest.

Speaking of cleansing my mind, gonna spend a couple of minutes the rest of this week's entry ranting about bad behavior of some aquiantences on social media.  Will try not to name names, but am guessing these people are so clueless that they won't read between the lines and know it's about them and this will have little to know real impact.

Warning: This goes on for a while and in re-reading it, sounds pretty bitter and grumpy old manish.  You may want to skip to another entry at this point.

This is for all of the annoying Facebook posters.  I only do Facebook, not because I don't know about other more trendy sites, but can't/don't want to keep up with the latest thing just cause and I see no ral problem with FB other than it isn't hip.  There was some comedian that said that we should all just agree to ignore the next platform of music/movie distribution so we don't end up having to buy the same thing on VHS/DVD/Blu-Ray/whatever's next.

I like Facebook, especially being so far physically removed from most people I know.  You get a chance to see what's up with their kids, were they've been on vacation, what's amuzing them in the news and the occasional "I'm loaded" (or about to be) and here is where I am doing so.  I am even down with posting a snap of something delicious you are eating or advocating some store or website that you feel strongly about.  What I don't need is the one trick pony person that feels a daily obligation to beat the drum for their cause.  Believe me, I know you feel blessed that your cat is a survivor of feline aids (it's the # 1 killer of domestic cats), and am really happy for the both of you, but we ALL get it.  Perhaps think about the people that read about your happiness regularly and may be reminded about their own losses from the same malady?  Related to these people are the ones that need to celebrate/mourn the birthday and anniversary of the death every person that they knew who has died every year with a nauseating rememberence that would cause Hallmark himself to gag.  I went to one person's site and looked back on their history, and from May 2013 to today, there are 9 entries mourning the loss of a sibling...for example, "If tears could build a staircase up to heaven, I'd come up there and bring you right back down here, miss you."  Am surprised FB doesn't automatically track those details and send out reminders to all their friends about their upcoming bi-annual wake.  To those people...Downer.  I am not totally devoid of emotion, and will agree to allow public memorials to one dead friend or relative annually.

Related are the ones that will send a cryptic message and use FB as their psychologists couch.  Got this one yesterday..."ever wonder how it is that... strangers can become ur family & family becomes a stranger to you?".  Sounds like a cry for help that would be better served by seeing a trained professional. 

Am also quite bored of anyone that posts about their pet political/medical fight over 50% of their entries.  To those people, I agree that global warming is a concern and am all for reduce/reuse/recycle.  In fact, I agreed with it the first time you posted about it and thought about coming out to support you at the rally against it.  Two years and 100 postings about it later?  I want to let my gas guzzler idle inside my garage and then climb in for the long nap. 

The other person that bugs the crap outta me is the one that uses a group as their personal scrap book.  A friend shared a link to a group about my home town, 'You know your from old school Arcadia if you remember...'  I liked the trip down memory lane with people throwing out long gone restaurants and stores, high school events, etc., but there is this one participant that posts 4 or 5 times a day about totally random shit.  Like asking you to write the caption of some cartoon, a link to an old Ed Sullivan TV show appearance or that it is Petula Clark's b-day.  Petula Clark is from fucking England for crying out loud.  This week, in the span of an hour, she posted links to 8 songs that "inspire" her, none of which were from artists from the state of Californina, let alone Arcadia.  Obviously, this chronic poster has to be a shut in and her FB friends have stopped responding to her, so this is a forum for her to engage with society.  Of course, couldn't keep my mouth shut and had to say something.  I tried to keep it civil, saying something like I appreciate trips down memory lane, but could we keep it somewhat Arcadia related or at least limit non-related posts to one a day?  Wish I could share the shit storm that followed,  but cannot see them anymore as I was told to "shove off" from the group, which I did after getting three rapid postings the next morning about 'does anyone remember' in order...Tab, Grisly Adams and Dion (of 'and the Belmonts').  I did have a couple of supporters in this exchange, but for the most part, everyone was 'so happy' to have this crap fill their FB page. 

Which brings me to the most heinous person inhabiting this world, and that is the enabler.  The ones that validates these  people by encouraging them.  You know who they/you are.  Please stop it.  Your seemingly innocent comments is the sustenance that keeps them alive.  If you are good friends with them, it is not only OK, but your duty to have a gentle conversation with them to call out on this bad behavior. 

Sorry for being such a dick about this stuff, but a previous rant last year along this line about the people who post the humblebrags like "feeling terrible, just got back from a 2-hour workout at the gym and it kicked my ass" may have had some results as I can't remember a recent posting of that nature.  That or they just unfriended me and I didn't notice. 

Friday, November 15, 2013

Week of November 15th, 2013

A week or so ago, received an email from the kids school about heightened security due to some threats made by a former student and have since noticed beefed up security and tightened controls when trying to get on campus.  Was chatting about it with a friend the other day and he told me the former student was none other than the great grandson of Chiang Kai-shek himself.  You have got to read THIS ARTICLE from the South China Morning Post about it for two reasons.  First, to enjoy the picture of the guy.  I know they love to show the most bat-shit crazy picture of people in the press, but my buddy told me he sees the guy on the street all the time shadow boxing and talking to himself.  Also, it is scary to read excerpts from his Facebook posts, not only because of the disturbing threats, but mostly because of the guys horrible grammar.  My favorite..."taipei american school aint nothing but a group of white devils bullying me."  Hope my White Devil kid gets a better grasp of English after attending the school.  And Carolyn can't be considered a 'white devil'...I know some people refer to Chinese Americans as twinkies...yellow on the outside/white on the inside, which isn't a terribly scary moniker, but in an ever increasingly organic and gluten-free world, Twinkie the Kid has seen better days.

Betty is in the middle of a 3 week trip all over the place, Indonesia, Thailand, Vietnam, and India.  She called us up today from India and I asked how she was doing bowel movement-wise.  She grudgingly admitted not good...she has been careful to drink only bottled water, but it seems that at breakfast this morning, she poured what she thought was liquid sugar into her coffee, only to later realize it was a small vase where the flower had been removed.  Her tummy has been queasy since and she has over a week to go there.  Haw haw.  I would feel sorry for her, but she does stay in some swanky hotels and is tacking on a personal day at the Taj Mahal at the end of the trip.  When she is gone, do not get to visit the Costco daily, but still need to make the trek over for milk and eggs and try to plan those trips early in the day when the place is slow.  Was hoping to avoid the usual dopes, but think they must wait for the doors to open so they can be first in line at the sample tables, all the while abandoning their carts in the middle of the aisles.  And they were out en masse yesterday.  I think I mentioned in a previous post a couple weeks back that for one of these scofflaws, I took their abandoned cart and hid it down an aisle around the corner.  Yesterday, I put plan B into action...loading up their cart with merchandise.  I hope they know how to cook USDA Choice Heel Muscle.
That's about 10 bucks for a little over 2 pounds by the way.  I always thought this was the kind of stuff they ground up and put in hot dogs, but there you have it.   
 
Another thing I noticed about shopping at Costco at 10:30AM on a weekday is that a lot of people bring their babies along.  There must have been a dozen of them and they all seem interested in looking at me, especially these days as you don't see many Chinese with bushy faces, and am now in week 2 of Movember growth.
Sooo...am waiting in the check-out line looking at one of these little kiddies, and it struck me that Chinese kids have unusually large heads in relation to their bodies.  It doesn't seem that the heads are large in relation to their bodies once they reach adulthood, but they have to be close to 50% head at birth.  Might help explain why Chinese students are considered superior to their western counterparts, and how we ultimately catch-up and (obviously) pass them by intellectually as we hit our full size.  This realization then got me re-thinking about my theories on why old Chinese women seem so angry.  I was looking at bubble heads mom, and she had no hips.  Zero...like a scrawny 12 year old boy, which is very common in many (most?) Chinese women.  The question then is, how do they pass those giant melons during child birth?  This hip to head dichotomy and their astounding success in procreation is truly one of nature's wonders.  When men and women argue about which sex is tougher, the debate usually ends when women throw out the pregnancy card 'cause us fellas only have the passing of a kidney stone as counter point.  Painful I'm told, but nothing close.  So doing the math...giant baby skull + narrow hips = pissed off Chinese woman.      

Last night, went to see Herbie Hancock at the National Concert Hall.  Along with it's sister venue, the National Theatre, it sits in a giant plaza that is bookended by massive gates on one end (seen below) and the Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial on the other. 



Yes, the Concert Hall and Theatre look very similar...nearly identical.  Of course we played a round of "do all Chinese things look alike" gags.  It is a very impressive place during the day, but it was the first time I had been there at night.  On a delightfully warm evening headed to a cool show with a couple of beers in me, found it to be a magical setting.
We got there about 40 minutes early, and they had a little kiosk outside the main door that sold snacks along with craft beer and wine, so we sat down and enjoyed a refreshing beverage.  Once again...delightful.  One of the things I love about Taiwan is that they treat adults like adults.  You can have a beer on the steps of their most prestigious music hall and not be cordoned off by barricades from the rest of the world.  If you want to take your beer around the corner to have a smoke, no one hassles you.  Went to a baseball game last Sunday, and not only do they not cut off beer sales in the 7th inning, on the way out, they were offering them two for one.  I don't think it is only due to the apparent lack of a tidal wave of lawsuits that follow when one drunk narcissistic asshole decides to throw his bottle at the field, but hits the litigious mother of three instead, and the resulting government legislation that restricts the rest of us from enjoying a cup of coffee without warning us that the contents are hot, but mostly as a result of a population that behaves themselves. 

As for the show, am not an enormous jazz affcianado, but like it when I hear it, and the opportunity of seeing a jazz legend in an amazing venue was a no brainer.  The inside of the Hall was classy, but not as ornate as I had imagined, probably due to the fact it was completed in 1987. 
I had expected the crowd to be heavier with westerners, but it was almost uniformly Chinese.  They were polite, but by the end were grooving appropriately.  I had read that the acoustics were supposed to be superb inside, but as with a lot of these type of venues, they are not designed with heavy percussion or amplification in mind.  The  sound suffered early on, kinda like music at a convention center, but improved as the night went along.  Herbie's band was top notch.  The drummer cut his teeth with Zappa and spent a decade along side Sting.  The bass player is the guy from the SNL band...you'll often see him laughing his ass off during the opening monologue.  And the guitarist was some hotshot from Benin...more of a texturalist than typical jazz guitarist.  He kinda got lost in the mix most of the night, but his solo was this combination of sounds that were rivetingly bizzare.  As for Herbie, guy is pure genius and legend (Miles plucked him at 20 to be in his 2nd Great Quintet AND he composed all the music for The Fat Albert Show...nuff said).  At 73 years old, he has not lost a step.  He went on long keyboard runs for nearly 2 hours straight.  And he was all over the place with sounds from straight jazz, to space funk, to sounds I have no words to describe.  He did play his "hit" to lead off the encore.  Anyone old enough to be alive during the early days of MTV will remember Rockit.  Not only played it, but brought it funky fresh on the keytar!

And groovy?  As they say, black don't crack.  Still so hip and spry.  I know the trend in African-American music is all about hip hop and such, and I understand that this'll sound like Granpa Gomez talking, but they ain't got nothin' on these jazz legends.  Can you imagine an old Kanye electrifying the crowd at the age of 73?  No way...with rare exception, that stuff is instantly forgettable, but slide Herbie's Maiden Voyages or Head Hunters onto your turntable and they sound as cool as the day he put them out 40 years ago.  They even sound cool coming out of crappy Dell computer speakers off of YouTube.  Am already waiting for Puff Doody to make his first guest appearance on NCIS-Los Angeles Special Victims Unit alongside Ice-T and LL Cool J.  You think Herbie was a repeating character on Banaby Jones or BB King did a guest spot on Mannix?  They were, and are, far too groovy for that.




Saturday, November 9, 2013

Week of November 8th, 2013

Top 3 literal translations from English to Mandarin for this week...
# 3 - Turkey = Huo ji (Fire chicken)
# 2 - Sausage = Xiang Chang (Fragrant intestine)
#1 - To call someone a brown noser = Pai ta de ma pi (You pat the horse to make him fart)
 I love that last one and will make it my mission to spread it throughout the globe. 

This weeks installment of Chinese narcolepsy comes from the Costco and this guy testing out the office chair display.
Completely out.    Kinda looked like my dad (and likely future me) with the well worn khakis and long earlobes.  I figure he must have been with his wife who takes her sweet time waiting for every sample while leaving her cart in the middle off the roadway while she waits in line.  Took the above as I walked in, and he was still there as I left a good 10-15 minutes later.  Luckily for him, this was not the busiest spot in the warehouse.



Around our building, I see this old woman nearly every day as she pushes a decent sized cart collecting cardboard for recycling.

 
She is permanently bent over at a 90 degree angle.  Was talking to Betty about her and she was telling me that she saw a news show about her recently.  She has terrible scoliosis (obviously), but that she is out there working her butt off as her son was recently handicapped and lost his job, so she needs to make money to help pay for his medical bills and living expenses.  When I feel myself getting sick of the world of political hate speak/dysfunction where the discourse is not black and white, but black and blacker, or that the Pakistani Taliban just voted The Butcher of Swat (the guy who ordered that 14 year-old Malala Yousafzai to be shot in the face for advocating girls getting and education) to lead their organization, I look forward to seeing this lady in the street and hope there are more of her than them.

In lighter thoughts, have been on a major Latino food kick lately.  They recently opened a joint around the corner called Fiesta that is run by a Peruvian/Cuban family, and we had super high hopes of getting the real deal, but they just do not bring it.  Not sure what their problem is, but it tastes like crap.  Have gone a couple times in hopes they get it together, but sadly...  Last Friday, they offered a "Mexican" cooking class at the local community center and one of the dishes they demonstrated was peccadillo, which is a stew of meat and veggies.  Very good and have recreated it at home to pretty decent reviews.  Paul even asked for the leftovers this morning with an egg on top.  While that is all good, there were two big takeaways from the class.  First, we were discussing our communal frustration with Fiesta and one of the people in the class kept saying we need to try a place called Dos Chinos that opened last Spring.  Hadn't heard of it, but with the absolute dearth of a Latin food place in Taipei that is edible, we ran there last Saturday night.  Talk about great...they made us some mean burritos/tacos with chorizo and pulled pork that was as good as I've ever eaten.  The whole family felt the same.  It's a hike downtown so isn't a decent option for a weekly visit, but is in a cool neighborhood and is worth planning ahead to get some of their goodness.

The second take away was learning the key spice that makes Mexican food taste the way it does.  Cumin.  They put it in everything and it immediately transforms anything into tasting Mexican.  I've written before how the locals here smell of oily garlic, and the conversation I related of the Indian guy, where we talked about how Indians smell of curry powder, but how Indians thought that Westerners smelled of dairy.  Now knowing about this cumin thing, I totally get that the odor of a typical Mexican person is the hint of cumin. 

Lastly for today, CNN ran a story about the upcoming naming of the panda at the National Zoo.  The choices...Bao Bao, Ling Hua, Mulan, Long Yun and Zhen Bao.  Why do we have to always give pandas born in the US Chinese names?  How many Chinese people do you know that use their Chinese names when they come to the West?  Zero.  I do not know a single Chinese person here that hasn't given themselves a Western name.  This is one of those cultural phenomenons that I will be working to get to the bottom of soon.  I will also be running my own contest to assign myself a Chinese name and  hope to have a list of candidates for you in a week or so.  If you have any suggestions to add to the list, please feel free to submit.  I will be choosing those that are real names and not the made up ones like they did for those Korean pilots that crashed the plane in SF a few months ago, although that was some funny shit.

 

Friday, November 1, 2013

Week of November 1st, 2013

The family and I were on an elevator the other day and it stops on a floor to let more people get on, and a little local kid (5ish) gets on, takes one look at me and runs behind his mother.  She grabs him and says something and they get on, but the whole time he is eyeballing me suspiciously.  Betty later translated what the mother said..."it's OK, he's just like Santa Claus.  Do all us white people look like Santa Claus to you?  How racist.  On the bright side, at least I look like someone famous.

Figuring out a new culture is like peeling an onion as some things are slowly revealed.  Have been perplexed by the pathological need for the locals to back into parking spots.  My working theory was that it was due to centuries (millennium?) of being forever vigilant to the need to get away from the invading hordes in an instant and that it was somehow built into their DNA.  When we got married, Betty told me that Chinese people like to give gold as a gift cause that is something you can grab and  carry with you if you are forced to flee.  Back to parking, I am not advocating one way over the other but personally, I think pulling in straight lowers the risk of damage to your/other cars, and is ultimately faster, but will decide which way based on the situation...traffic, size of space, etc.   One of the places where pulling in straight is always the right thing to do is at the Costco, obviously to be able to load in the huge bag of paper towels or giant box of Lucky Charms, but I'd say over 50% of the cars insist on backing in there (and then they pull into the road to load their crap and block traffic).  Anyway, I am in some random parking structure the other day, and when I get back to the car, there is this an official looking note on my windshield (that I can't read), but notice that none of the other cars have them so figure it wasn't an ad and was trying to tell me something.  I took it into Chinese class today, and the teacher tells me it says that I should have backed into the spot as it is safer so as to not hit pedestrians.  I know from experience that the use of rear view mirrors is not a regular habit of the Taiwanese, and it's obvious they don't give a shit about the pedestrians in general, but I am guessing that there must be some public service campaign to help reduce the number of people they run over, which finally explains this habit.

I haven't bitched about Chinese class much this year, mainly because the other students aren't pains in the ass.  It is a conversation class, so we learn words and phrases to use in situations that we find ourselves in...making reservations, dealing with taxi drivers, etc.  She will also pepper the dialogue with Chinese sayings from time to time...today's was about being married and whether to ditch the old wife for a younger model.  It goes...it is better to have an old enemy than a new friend.  It feels more poignant if you put 'Confucious say' in front and then say it with a bad Chinese accent.  Last week, it was my turn to suggest a topic to learn about, and having the maturity of a 12 year-old boy, I wanted to learn about the body and more specifically, bodily functions.  Snot, diarrhea, poop...funny in any language.  My favorite was the equivalent to saying bullshit in Chinese is gao pi, which translated means dog fart.  So useful.  Along that line is saying to someone pai nide ma pi, which is you pat the horse to make it fart.  This is calling someone a brown noser.  I told the teacher that by the end of this year, I want to be able to tell at least one joke in Chinese that is funny...they've had 4000 years of history, you'd think they would have come up with one by now.  I tried to translate a couple of my favorites this week and it went no where.  They were; if you don't like the weather in Taipei, wait 5 minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.  And...when someone tells you that something hurts, I will reply that 'your face is killing me'.  The expression on her face was priceless.  She asks the other students (Turkish, French and English)...'do people say that?'  From their reactions, that brand of humor doesn't travel past the American border. 

Was at a fancy store the other day, and an entire shelf of the refrigerated seafood section was devoted to the sale of fish heads.  I know they are into seeing them on the plate, and always thought it was to ensure that the fish was fresh, but what the hell do they do with just the head.  Sharing the below picture as he was the most colorful...


Hard to see the price, but for this head and tail, the cost was NT$312, which is 10 bucks US.  No gag here...just sayin'

Finally, Halloween is not a thing here (although it does fall on Chiang Kai Shek's b-day, so Betty had it off of work), but they do have parties in the elementary school classes at the American School, and the kids dress up and do goofy games.  Carolyn went as a boxer, but with the baggy boxer shorts, sleazy robe and white tank top, I suggested she throw a little pasta sauce on her tank and call herself an Italian wife beater.  She was not amused.