January 31st, 2019

Hey there,

A programming note.  Next week is Chinese New Year and we are heading out of town so there will be no post next week.  This trip is to New Zealand and we are gonna spend most of it tooling around the north island in an RV.  Should be a hoot and a half.

Chinese New year is a time to clean things up and today's entry is an effort to clear the diary docket so I can start Pig Year with a blank slate. 

Our monthly coffee morning this month was about CNY and its traditions.  Before I get into the stuff we learned during coffee talk, a dude came up to me before the show started wanting to know what the Center was all about.  I told him what the deal was and he thought this event was one for "entrepreneurs".  He volunteered at this point that he was a 'Jewish lawyer'.  I told him he should stick around anyway cause it should be fun and then he proceeds to say he may but turns around and says there are a lot of women here, 'which would have been good in the past but with 'Me Too', maybe he shouldn't'.  We get into a discussion about it and I make the case that if you are worried about getting in trouble for inappropriate behavior towards women, perhaps that should tell you something.  I relate that I worked at a place for 18 years that was overwhelmingly female  and have worked with women as both my bosses and direct reportees and never was there a question about inappropriate behavior.  And if you know me at all, I will push the boundaries of good taste.  Have always felt that women are pretty good about letting men know when it is OK to touch them on the shoulder, or if they want you inside them, and when they want nothing to do with you.  He said that might have been the case in the past but it is different in the last two years.  As I've been out of the workplace for almost 7 years now, that might be true, but am pretty sure that the ones that need to worry now were the ones doing the shit that was over the line 'back in the day'.  Seems I'm not the only one with these thoughts as right after typing the above, saw this article positing the same thing.

A couple more PC call outs this week.  This article  is from a few weeks back, but perhaps you read about police in Houston arresting a guy that killed a little girl in a drive-by shooting.  What stuck out to me like a Klieg light was the first sentence.

Activists praised Houston area law enforcement for pursuing a tip that led to the arrest of an African American man in the fatal drive-by shooting of a 7-year-old Black girl

So we are now using the terms African American and Black to describe people in the same sentence?  This is from the AP and you'd think they would have landed on one or the other at this point.  Have never been a fan of African American as a way to describe people, and do we even need to point out race in this case, but I get why people get all twisted when they get called out on what words they use cause whiplash in figuring out what's right is making my whole body hurt.

Here is one term that I think we can all agree is being used improperly: Conservative pundit Ann Coulter.  I will concede that pundit can be used to describe her as long as we agree her expertise is in making inflammatory statements to push her books.  But conservative?  Unless the definition of that word has changed somehow, she is hardly that.  Really, it is hard to find a conservative in the bunch over at GOP headquarters these days.  I am as conservative a person that there is and these guys left that station a couple decades ago.  Kind of buried in the insane news diarrhea of the last few weeks was Mitch McConnell's Op Ed in the Washington Post about the Voting Rights bills the Dems are pushing.  I don't buy the Post online but you can link to it from this Splinter article that does a pretty fair take down of his position.  I get that politics are about power, but to even hint that the current incarnation of the GOP gives a single rat's ass about you or me is laughable.  Oh yeah, I wasn't even a huge Sonics fan and have consumed a couple tankers filled with his glorious coffee, but fuck you Howard Schultz.

Back to the coffee klatch...we do this Chinese New Year one annually but try to have new speakers to keep it fresh for repeat customers.  We had a couple of high school kids from the European school come in to give their perspective and they were lovely in the way they prepared a script in advance and in their earnestness of delivery.  I learned a couple of new things.  For instance, it never caught my attention but there are bats on a lot of the decorations around this time of year.  Seems the word for bat sounds identical to the word luck, so having bats on things is auspicious.  You can Wikipedia 'Wufu' to learn more.  Auspicious is always a great word and one that I try to use often.

Also heard about a favorite Chinese New Year food thing to try...Buddha Jumps Over the Wall soup.  It's got everything in it and is a popular dish to serve on this holiday.  It is impossible for people to make it at home unless they are true chefs as the amount of ingredients and time it takes are massive, so they sell it at the stores for big dollars.  I'd like to take a taste mainly for the name of it, which was derived for this soup being so good that even big fat Buddha would jump over a wall to get his lips on some.  Pretty sure it'll be awful cause these foods are way more miss than hit.  For example, someone brought in these traditional cookies to share.  Sadly, did not ask what they were called but if I had to guess, would say something along the lines of Angel's Pillows would be in line with their naming conventions.

Was pretty excited at first cause they look like those delicious Russian tea cookies.  Side note to the Brits, when self evaluating your precious High Tea, maybe consider looking east to our Russian comrades cause their cookies are far better than anything you are stacking on those fancy three tiered platters.  
Should have known better but got suckered into eating one.

Lucky there was a garbage nearby cause that was not going to stay in my body.  Was asked later to describe what they tasted like and didn't take a second thought to muster up this word picture...if you were to take the stuff from under your refrigerator, make it into a ball, and then roll it in dandruff, you'd have an Angel Pillow.  'Delicious Chinese treat' is a phrase that has never been uttered.

Also learned a bit about the horoscope animals.  This coming year is that of the Pig.  Pigs are said to be the Mother Theresa of the zodiac and you can always count on them to help out.  I'm a snake and our coffee morning guests identified them as being the psychics of the realm.  I think that is true as I am always saying things that are initially dismissed but almost always come true.  A current prediction I have is that body hair will make a roaring comeback and be sexy again by the end of the next decade.  Nostrajohnus.

One area that is a black hole as far as prognosticating is sports.  That said, the Patriots are definitely winning on Sunday and will surely cover the 2.5 point spread.

On the subject of hair, the crusade to grow mine out continues (head, not body)  It is as long now as it has ever been in my life and it is not pretty as it keeps going out instead of laying down.  It is becoming a bit too noticeable as many of my acquaintances are asking me 'what's the deal' with it.  Have had to explain my lifetime of having bad psoriasis on my scalp and that keeping my hair short was a way of combating it, but a year or so ago, it magically went away and since I have always wanted to know what will happen if left to itself, am giving it a go.  My mom had the same scalp condition and it went away for her about my age, but its departure on my head also coincided with a treatment I got from an ayurvedic medicine dealer in Sri Lanka two years ago.  Anyhoo, here's a selfie from right now.  Getting into Garfunkel territory.

I like horoscope talk of all kinds, and not just the astronomical kinds, but insights into personalities in general.  Went off last year about a Myers-Briggs test I took that showed the obvious as to how I am a judgmental personality.  A new one of these type of tests is out, and reviewers in the know  scoff at the Myers Briggs methodology and claim this one gives a more accurate insight.  It was created by the number junkies at Five Thirty-Eight

If you like to do these things, here is a link to the 30 question quiz on the 538 site.  I scored pretty average with regards to 'openness to experience', 'extraversion' and 'agreeableness'.  I know what you are saying about that last one, but it is true.  Mine skewed hard in the other two areas.  Being 88 out of 100 on 'conscientiousness' isn't too surprising as I am a bit on the spectrum when it comes to organization and while obnoxious, am a hard worker.  The other one that was unsurprisingly tilted hard was the 13 out of 100 for 'negative emotionality'.  You'll like this test as it spins positive no matter what you score, but this one hit home as I get called out for not being sentimental or being cold when it comes to emotions like birthdays or death.  Betty and I get into heated debates about holding onto stuff.  Happened just the other day when we were talking about moving back to the States and I was excited to get into the stuff in storage and 'Marie Kondo-ing' the shit out of it.  Betty started to get all bent about me not throwing out any of her things.  Nothing flips my switch like going on a organizing spree that includes a bunch of runs to the Goodwill, and nothing flips hers like me throwing away something that she treasures (which is everything as far as I can tell).  Heard a funny quote by someone that went something like...being married for a long time and having an argument is like being in a classic rock band in concert.  It starts out with the new stuff but you end up playing all the old hits.

One more Betty note...when I meet her work people that she travels with, they inevitably give me a look like 'so this is the guy'?  I wonder what she tells them and think I got a little insight the other night at dinner when we are with a friend and are talking about chickens.  Specifically, that the chickens one buys in Taiwan, like the rotisserie Costco kind, all come with the head still attached.  We all get that this is cultural, is done to prove the freshness of the bird, blah blah blah, but it still throws off us Americans.  Betty says, "I know, when Gomez brought the first Costco chicken home with the head, he freaked and thought the head was a penis!"  I absolutely did not think it was a penis as not only was I aware of this cultural curiosity, but think that I know a chicken doesn't have an 8 inch penis with a beak at the end of it.  If this is the retelling of a story that is common when I'm not around, no wonder these folks think I am some kind of...God only knows what they think.

A Taiwan happening to share for this week.  Something that happens to most people many times a week in the States happened to me for the first time here the other day.  Am on the Metro/Subway heading downtown on a Saturday evening and the train car is pretty full.  A woman that I would say was in her 20's/30's sidles up to me and asks if I speak English.  I nod and she goes onto say she is hungry and wants some money to get something to eat.  While this would be the norm many places on the planet, I was caught aback.  Think we all have feelings on people asking for money and probably like me, have a lot of simultaneous conflicting feelings about it.  You want to help people, fear they will use it for drugs or booze, it is the 10th time you've been asked today and have had it with society, etc.  I would think it is common, but I make an instant value judgment (a specialty as previously noted) and determine if this person really needs help or is using.  This lady gave me the vibe that she had some mental health issues and just by being the first to ever ask, gave her NT$100.  
Have shared some Facebook posts in the past of a certain acquaintance that is comedic gold in its lack of self awareness..  It is not quite as epic as the sweatshirt post, but we all got a chuckle with it over dinner during a dramatic reading.  Enjoy.

I was touched and surprised by (person's name redacted) invitation to meet her mom and for homemade samosas and chai as she invited mostly close friends. I only met her a few times in her 1.5 years she’s been here but I guess she is grateful that when she arrived I tried to help her find jobs in social work counseling and supporting women who had been victims of domestic violence as I knew she would have a tough time as she didn’t speak Chinese and other little things like helping her bring back her favorite eyeliner from Korea when I was there. So grateful for friends like her who appreciate the little things I do.

Finally for today, here are a couple of classics from the family archive.  These surfaced when we were moving my mom out of her apartment and have been wanting to get them scanned for a while, but found them in some old file and must have taken a picture of them along the line.

First is a photo of my folks with Tony Bennett (including signature).  Check out the hip coat mom is sporting.

And that is THE Barbara Streisand.  The all looked very young.  These have to be from the '60's, which appears to be a very groovy time.

Xinnian kuaile.

Xīnnián kuàilè

January 25th, 2019

Hiya...

Travelogue part IV.  London.

We hit town mid-afternoon and had a tight schedule already, but with the train being late by about 45 minutes, we had to hustle.  Navigated the Underground to our Air BnB, dropped our bags and hustled over to the theatre district for dinner and a show.

On the road between the closest metro stop and our pad is a restaurant that I really wanted to sample but never got the opportunity.  That's MR. Lasagna to you sir.

Did much better planning ahead with food on this leg and made a reservation at a place that came highly recommended and I highly recommend it for you.  Bucco di Lupo.  Italian that is equal parts fancy and laid back and is in the heart of the theatre district.  A great spot if you are going to a show.

We all agreed that we should see something when in town and I won't lie, didn't want to see a musical that we can see on Broadway.  Really didn't want to see a musical period.  Found something that I thought was unique to England and was highly rated and the gang agreed to go see The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Nighttime.

It wasn't the quirky Agatha Christie-esque murder mystery I was expecting but a rather sordid tale of a boy on the spectrum and his messed up family.  Betty didn't care for it, I liked its noir texture and we all agreed it was well staged.  At intermission, the Boy turns to me and said he knows it and has read the book.  Not only that, but it wasn't a school assigned book.  It's no secret the kid is not a recreational reader and later ask him in all seriousness how many books he has read for fun and he says three.  The one from the play tonight, I. Robot., and something else he could not remember.  We are all amazed and amused.

A pre-trip request by Lady Grey was to go to a Jamie Oliver restaurant but it did not make the cut/final itinerary.  We walk out of the theatre and right across the street is Jamie's Italian.  We had a round of delicious desserts and felt good about a surprise win.

The next morning is the 'you forgot the butter' fiasco from an earlier post.  4.0.

We're in London for a couple days and the moms and I have all been there, but the kids haven't and we agree to put a couple of must see tourist spots on the agenda.  As we're on the road, a couple of friends from college see we're in the UK too and we figure out we're gonna be in London at the same time.  Our schedules find us with only this AM to meet and we agree to hook up at the Tower of London.

The Tower of London has changed the way they funnel people through it since we were here 20-some odd years ago and they have more stuff to see.  The jewels as I remember were impressive then and they still dazzle.  The slowly moving walkway that you ride to pass them is an ingenious solution.  The orb of some monarch was my favorite thing and want one.

I had stopped taking pictures a few days ago as I dropped my camera and it was acting funny, plus Betty takes a ton of photos and knew she had documented the happenings extensively.  I did whip my phone out one time today for a photo and was not only delighted I got this shot but proceeded to show to everyone with a Bevis and Butthead giggle.

 Seeing our friends for a couple hours as we strolled around was great and got to catch up with them and their kids.   I had not spoken to this friend in several years as we had a bit of an online verbal battle over the end of the Patriot/Seahawk Super Bowl with the end of it with her telling me I always take it to a dark place.  Fair enough, but you have known me for 30 years, right?  We didn't rehash the incident but think we made nice today and while I can hold a grudge as long as anyone, not really something I like to do.

Would have liked to sit down for lunch and spend more time, but they had stuff and we had High Tea reservations for mid-afternoon and were meeting our old Taiwan friends that moved back to the UK for that.  We went to High Tea at Harrods last time we were in town (had to be '97ish) and didn't think much of it then and thought about passing this time.  Seeing that it was the groups decision to go and that The Boy needed to experience it, acquiesced.  Reservations were made at the Goring Hotel, which was lovely.

Of course it was great to see two of the people we like the most again.

As for the tea...a fucking rip off and a half.  Who is this for?  I know the answer of course...ladies that get all woozy at the thought of Mr Darcy glowering at them in silence from across the table, and the men that go just to shut them up for an hour.

First of all, it is just tea.  Pour hot water in a bowl with some leaves and there you go.  I know how tea is made...you pick the leaves, dry them and...that's it.

As for the "food".  It's three tiers.  The first course are sandwiches...with the crust cut off!  Royalty and the hoi palloi hangers on disdain crust apparently, probably because it is too brown.  They are filled with the meagrest amount of filling and in this incarnation, two of the four choices had gawdamn pickles in them, which made them inedible.

The second scone tier is next and while they were fine, I could get giant ones that are far more moist at the Costco for $4.99 a dozen.  But these are soooo different apparently as you have to put on the clotted cream and jam (or was it jelly?).  Clotted anything is never good, whether it be arteries or traffic.  It is just milk people.

Last is the dessert tier and this is where the biggest rip off occurs.  I've had better desserts in Taiwan.  There were several to choose from and we had several sweet lovers in our midst, including yours truly, and only one got even the slightest moan of pleasure.  They get way too cute with it and forget the sugar, but suppose they can't trot out a plate of nice brownies or something as that would be too plebeian.  The staff kept telling us we could ask for more of anything we wanted and we didn't request a single thing.  And all for the low price of 50 pounds.  High Tea is the biggest scam in the whole of the animal kingdom.

We hung out for a few hours and then  all had dinner together at an Indian joint.  Our UK friends would talk derisively of the local TW Indian food joints, which I like, saying the places in the UK are much better, so we challenged them to come up with one for us.  They did come through and we had an excellent and reasonably priced meal at Darjeerling Express  in Soho.  The back story of how it is owned and operated by a bunch of Indian women that make their family recipes makes you appreciate the uniqueness of the dishes we had even more.  Highly recommended and a tip if you go, just have the server tell you what to order.

Next day, the moms want to go to the Victoria and Albert Museum (torture...and not the good kind) and I take the kids to the British Museum cause I thought they should see that cause it has everything. As with the Tower, it is layed out differently than it was in the 90's, with the most notable difference being that the Rosetta Stone is now encased in bulletproof glass.  It was just out in the open when we went last time and touching it is my most lasting memory from that trip.  That and being able to pee in the toilet from the bed in the crap shack we stayed in in our younger days.

Not sure if the kids liked it but hope they did.  We had discussions about whether the stuff was stolen or preserved.  I like anything that is Assyrian or Phoenician.  The Boy was nonplussed by all of the hairpins and saying afterward that "99% of it was just shit from people's houses".  True, but still.

At the suggestion of our UK friends, we all met up for lunch at Borough Market.  Think Pike Place Market but older with way more and better food.  Dozens, maybe a hundred, stalls with a great variety and reasonable prices and everyone can get just what they want.  Almost.  I had in my mind that I could get a meat pie here and went on a search for it.  Find a stall that was selling things that looked like them but were called pork pie.  I ask the lady if these are like the Aussie meat pies that I so adore and she goes all highbrow saying that these are served cold and that ketchup would never touch them.  The English are soooo fucking refined and the disregard for the Aussies (and lots of others for that matter) by many overtly and by most in ways like this is pretty ugly.  I will say that Borough Market is a must on any visit and makes for a convenient, reasonably priced  and quick lunch.

After, there was the idea to ride the London Eye and tix were purchased in advance.  Made a personal call and said I'd pass, so the 5 of them went off  and the Brits and I found ourselves a pub.

Quick pub diversion.  Our English mate said a couple times how English pubs are so great and unique.  The one from the night before previously discussed could have been in anytown USA.  The one we went to today (The George) was one they had been to before and had fond memories.  We saddle up to the bar and as we're waiting for our drinks are all disgusted by the group of loutish locals discussing the merits of screwing Italian and Thai women in graphic detail.  We do go to another room that was quieter and had a lovely fireplace, but my friend says not to judge all of the pubs by those guys that were "effin and Jeffin'.  A great British term to describe people that swear profusely.

It was a lovely day to ride the Eye and the pictures they took bear that out.

We all met up after the Eye/cocktails and the wheel part of our group were not amused.  They were all bent about the organization of the scene and the wait was unpleasant apparently.  And once you are in your Ferris wheel pod, you jostle with 20 other smelly tourists....just like you.  We somehow sensed their discomfort at the pub and sent taunting photos of us warming our insides with drink and outsides by the fire. Wish I could find those photos as they were classic.

The station that we met each other near was Waterloo and that got me humming The Kinks 'Waterloo Sunset'  I was desperate to find a magnet with the Waterloo Underground label and looked around the gift shops in the area but was told matter of factly that 'they don't exist'  The kids didn't understand why I was so obsessed with this station and explained the song (and the beautiful story it tells) and how The Kinks were everything to me when I was their age.  Think it broke through.  Really is an amazing song and if you don't know it, you should.

Betty and I arranged to have a couples dinner this night with our Brit friends.  These are the rare folks that we can see as couple and can all be our true selves without fear of insulting anyones delicate sensibilities and our conversations take twists and turns from politics and religion to bowel movements and other embarrassing topics.  One that I remember from this night surrounded food and the energy behind it. Betty says that Babydoll always has snacks on her and hidden away and the dude tells us that the missus has a bizarre food move where she will never clean her plate completely and leaves a morsel, however small, on her plate every time.  She never realized she did it until he pointed it out after many years of marriage but she now knows she does and explains that she thinks it is hard wired from her childhood when her parents would not let her leave the table until her plate was clean.  Didn't matter if it took hours and she remembers dry heaving and other traumatic events.  Get to thinking about Babydoll's penchant for food hording and think it could be from her earliest experiences of being hungry in the orphanage as a baby and that maybe that fear of not having enough to eat subconsciously has her hiding food in her bags and room.  

Our last day in town we went a few different ways.  On Betty's secret travel to-do list was to get personal with Stonehenge and she wanted to do the sunrise tour of it.  That tour necessitated that she get up at 4am and would not be home until close to 5pm.  The rest of us weighed the ability to get close and see Stonehenge with a 4am alarm and all decided that we'd prefer to muck about London instead.

Betty reported a good time and she was able to see Stonehenge in an uncluttered way.  In retrospect, would have liked to have seen it but glad I didn't go caue she said you weren't allowed to touch it let alone pee on it.

The rest of her tour included an afternoon mucking about Bath and a late breakfast in the town of Lecock, which of course is the French word for 'the cock'.

This day was also earmarked for our girly-o's to go shopping.  The Boy went with them and found a couple shirts in a style he already has but different..."they're the kind I like"  Not sure all that our travel partners found but Babydoll got a great pair of classic black Dr. Martens that she loves and will have for decades.

I suggested to Lady Grey to let the kids go on without us and come to the National Gallery with me, but she decided to hang with the kids, which meant that I got to commune with the great art I was excited to see solo.

The National Gallery had an exhibition of Impressionistic paintings that added to the great selection they already had, so got my fill of Manet, Degas, Renoir, Cezanne. Gauguin, Van Gogh, Matisse, Klimt, etc.  Plus they had a couple of my second favorite artist Seurat that I had never seen and a whole mess of the great Monet (they're the kind I like).  Collected in three rooms, just the right amount to savor and not feel overwhelmed.

Not much more to tell...we all had a last night dinner with some of the worst Thai food I've ever had.  We're waiting for the Uber to dinner and Chiquita says something about friendship and I am hit with this memory of an 'I Love Lucy' episode and proceed to sing the song Ethel and Lucy sang almost exactly correct.  The episode had Lucy and Ethel being allowed to sing a song on one of Ricky's shows and they both want to wear the same dress.  They agree that since they both want to wear it that neither should but of course come on stage and they are both in the same outfit.  They proceed to rip off pieces of each others dresses  and it gets violent to the point that they are gonna be naked and Ricky and Fred have to intervene.  Effin' funny.  Even the jaded kids found humor in it.   Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League...

 We all said toodle-ooo the next morning.  Our flights back to TW were shorter than coming, but still 16 air hours.  Should mention that we were flying Air Emirates on an Airbus A380 for these flights and had never been on one before.  These planes are massive, are double decker and can hold 522 passengers.  The upper deck is all business class, which we were on this time, and they are capitol D Deluxe.  Best thing they have at the back of the plane is a lounge area where you can relax on couches and sample snacks or the full bar.  

Was hanging out there and had chats with the bartender and other attendants and they tell us that Emirates is the only airline that has them and their business model is to only fly these and 777's so that they can maximize maintenance and personnel most efficiently.  I love me some efficiency.  Was interesting to hear how these attendants live.  They are all required to move to Dubai and their lives sound as cool as can be.  They fly everywhere and get some time to see stuff.  This crew had never been to Taiwan before so was able to give them some tips.  And they told me a bit about their lives in the UAE.  They rent accommodations in the same buildings and while they have roommates of the same gender and fraternization is not encouraged, it is not discouraged either and there are hookups as they are all young, hot and single.  They say that if you don't make a scene, that living in Dubai isn't too restrictive but that their counterparts in other Arab countries are almost in lockdown.  Also, the population is only 10% Arab (or Emitatis) with the remaining population being expats and foreign workers like them.  Pakistanis are preferred as they speak Arabic, but the lady attendant said all the people that do nails and care giving are from the Philippines.

One last dumbass old guy thing.  My knees are getting worse and am finding myself dragging my right leg along as I walk.  A new thing is happening on occasion is tripping over nothing.  We're in the Dubai airport changing planes and have an hour or so to sit in the lounge.  Am walking back from the bathroom on the hard stone and perfectly level flooring, catch my sneaker on the ground cause I'm not picking my foot up enough and go down hard, right on my right kneecap.  Messed it up something fierce and was in new and exquisite pain for the next couple of weeks.  Was hoping to wait to get back to the States to fix it but think I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and risk it here.

Right on...that was fun and hope you got some laughs and/or useful info.  

January 22nd, 2019

Hey there,

Have one more short travelogue to give, but saw an article in the local news this week that needs your immediate attention.

Here is the headline.

Taiwanese flight attendant traumatized after being forced to wipe fat, white, old, foreign butt


Do tell...

A female Taiwanese flight attendant felt physically and mentally traumatized after being exposed to the sight of an obese man’s genitals, and being forced to wipe the man’s bottom, after he went to the toilet on a flight from Los Angeles to Taipei yesterday, January 19.

“I feel dirty.” The flight attendant wrote on an Instagram post that detailed the experience.

According to reports in Taiwan media outlets, the flight attendant wrote that an old, white, American man, weighing around 200 kilograms, boarded the flight from LA and made “unreasonable requests” of the all-female flight attendant cabin crew.

After boarding the airplane in a wheelchair, the passenger requested to be moved to a row with three spare seats, and as seats were available, his request was granted.

During the flight, the passenger told the flight attendant that his right hand was broken, and was recovering from surgery, so could they please help him to go to the toilet, as he was unable to apply pressure to his hand.

The obese man was not able to get into the economy class toilet because it was too small, so the flight attendants took him to the business class toilet. “It was the beginning of a nightmare,” the flight attendant wrote.

Shortly after entering the toilet cubicle, the passenger pressed the emergency assistance button. With his underwear only half pulled down, he asked the flight attendant to help him to pull his underwear down.

The flight attendant at first refused, but the man, sitting on the toilet with his legs open and genitals exposed, insisted, and pleaded that he could not complete his ablutions with his underwear only half-down.

“Come in and help me out … you promised to help me!” he said.

The flight attendant put a blanket over the passenger’s groin, donned a pair of surgical gloves and helped pull down the man’s underwear.

The passenger then insisted that the door be left open, otherwise he could not breathe.

Being forced to see the man’s genitalia was just the beginning of the insults, according to SETN (Sanli News Network). After relieving himself, the passenger “shamelessly” asked the flight attendant to wipe his bottom.

The flight attendant said: “This is really too much. The cabin crew are all female, and we don’t have a male team member. No one can help you.”

Pointing at the flight attendant, the passenger roared: “You promised to help me!”

“I promised to help you go to the toilet, not to wipe your butt!” the flight attendant replied.

“You promised me…what can I do if no one wipes my butt? Do you want me to stay in this toilet?” the passenger pleaded.

Finally, with passengers affected by the disturbance, the flight attendant donned three layers of surgical gloves to comply with the man’s requests. However, not satisfied with the clean-up operation, the “disgusting old white man” (Sanli News) kept saying “deeper, deeper!”

The flight attendant said that after the incident, she shut herself up in a toilet cubicle, vomited, and cried. The smell lingered, and could not be washed away.

To add insult to injury, after landing, a male ground crew took the man off the flight and asked him if he needed to use the bathroom. The passenger said “yes,” but when asked if he required assistance, replied, “No.”

The flight attendant said that the purpose of her post was to put her experience into words in the hope that the airline to protect employees, recruit more male flight attendants, and to prevent such passengers from boarding unattended in the future.

Oh my god.  I don't think that I could add a single word to enhance the funny as this writing is perfect..  I did learn a new word.  Ablution: The act of washing oneself.  This is going viral and have rec'd messages from a couple folks linking to this version from the NY Post.  Pretty similar but the Post article dials down the fat white references and adds "Mmmmm" in front of the part where the dude tells the flight attendant to go deeper.

January 21st, 2019

Hey there,

Travelogue. Scotland part II

Have always been curious about Scotland but it was never really high on the list of places to go.  As you can probably tell with part I, that was a mistake and that our time here has been fantastic so far.  The impetus for us being here at this time happened exactly one year prior as we are sitting in our hotel room in Bilbao watching CNN and they are showing New Years preparations from around the globe and there is a segment on what happens in Edinburgh this time of year.  Betty and I are both fascinated by what we see and the gears are set in motion at that moment.

We hit Edinburgh late morning of the 30th and needed to pick up our tickets to the events.  The parties over this time in the city are billed under the name Hogmanay, which is a Scottish word for the last day of the year.  There are all kinds of happenings going on and we secured spaces for two of them: The Torchlight Procession the night of the 30th and New Years Street Party on the 31st.  We had been getting email warnings to get our tix early cause there were potential lines expected the day of the event.  Navigated to the ticket center and not only was there no line, but the procurement process was so seamless that it boded well for the happenings to come.  Dropped our bags at the hotel and I took the rental car back while the moms did laundry.

After some relax time, we were off for Torchlight, which is what we saw on CNN a year before.  They sell 20,000 passes and this mass of people walk a mile together and end up in Holyrood for music and fireworks.  That seems like a lot of people with fire to be safe and sane, but this Hogmanay group had it down.

You get your passes for one of three entry points, grab your torches at the gate and then wait your turn.

 A ton of festive humanity and we heard a ton of accents. We were about half way back from the start of the parade

 Periodically, we'd move up about 10 yards or so and as we neared the street saw how they were managing the traffic.  Each of the three lanes would let a hundred or so people into a pen and they would start lighting the torches and passing the flame back.

 Took about an hour for us to get our turn.  The torches are similar in size but are not the Pier 1 Tiki Neo-Nazi variety.  These are burlap and beeswax and are similar to giant candles.  In the information guidelines for the night, they said to wear old clothing as the wax can drip.  At the end of the night, the left sleeve of my coat has a good load of wax on it.  Wasn't too upset and actually thought it was a cool memento until I am wearing the coat a few days later and my London friend says it looks like I had a hand shandy.  Never heard that term before but understood and loved it immediately.  If you can't figure out what it is, there is always urban dictionary.

Torchlighting.

It's about a mile to the park and the sights and sounds of happy families, including ours, were joyous.

Oink

 Think this is my favorite snap from the trip

 I didn't even hate the sound of bagpipes...a first.

 The Boy posted some photos on Instachat or whatever and he received a ton of comments from his UVA buddies about how natural he looked with a torch and other Charlottesville protest ribbing.

The organizers shepherd the first of the torch bearers that reach the park into an outline of Scotland.  This photo from the Hogmanay Facebook site shows it and you can see the line of light stretching back into the city.

When we hit the park there is a big stage and some band is covering The Proclaimers '500 Miles'.  It might have been the actual Proclaimers now that I look at the old video.

It seemed to go on forever and we joked that they have been playing it for the last two hours yet all the Scotts continue to chant along to the chorus

The stated roots of the torchlight tradition are of Viking origin but feels like this is just a reason to party.  A good one for sure.  We beat a retreat before the fireworks to miss the crowd and try to find something to eat.  We found a burger joint that looked popular but wasn't too long a wait and settled in.  Our clan hadn't had dinner and we threw down while our traveling partners had a sandwich before and just got a snack.  I have never seen nor heard of this before but now see it everywhere...halloumi cheese.  Lady Grey got the halloumi salad or something.  Is this the new poke or something?

We get home kinda late and I am up flipping the channels and come across one with two ladies standing on a stage and they are naked.  I know that showing boobies on British TV is a long standing tradition from watching Monty Python on PBS in the 70's.  Have to see where this show is gonna go and it is immediately apparent that it is a nude dating show cause the next seen is of a dude, totally naked, penis and all, talking to the host and telling him which one of the girls he is going to choose.  This is a totally nude dating show on regular TV.  He picks the girl, the other girl has the post edit interview, still in the nude, and the show ends.  WTF?  I don't learn the name but ask our Brit friends about it later.  They know it well.  It is a dating show and is called Naked Attraction.  The way it is played is the contestant, sometimes a guy or a girl, is shown a group of the opposite sex.  They are naked but the initial reveal is their naked bodies from the waste down only.  The contestant has to pick out a 1/2 dozen to move to the second round based only on looking at their hoo-haws or vah-jay-jays.  Full nude is next and then the ever important interview round.  You can look this stuff up on YouTube and it is not tiled out.  Remarkable.

Next day comes and our first appointment isn't until 2pm, so the morning is declared free to sleep in.  Think everyone wanted that as it hadn't been offered.  Betty and I send a note that we're gonna take a stroll and rec'd no reply.

It was a brilliant morning and we tooled around the old new town (new old town?) and scoped out the party grounds for the night.  We texted again as we find a place for brunch and our kids dragged their butts over for a proper Scottish breakfast.  Scottish breakfast is exactly like English breakfast, complete with beans and tomatoes, but you also get a nice dollop of haggis.  Yum.  Still no sight of Lady Grey or Chiquita.

2pm rolls around and we meet in the lobby to go meet our walking tour guide for the afternoon.  Chiquita shows up but ol' Lady Grey is down.  Seems the halloumi cheese grabbed her by the boo-boo and she's been in the bathroom since 3am.  Had been dismissive of the halloumi cheese craze and felt vindicated.  It's gonna be hard not to laugh at all you suckers that eat the poke when they yank a 12 foot parasitic worm out of your intestines.

So it is just the 5 of us this afternoon, which actually worked out in one way as we were all able to fit into one of the cool black taxis together.

We met our guide Stuart at the appointed time.  Stuart was an older gentleman and as with a lot of those types, keeping up their pants is an ongoing concern.  First thing he does upon meeting us is to stop and give his belt a healthy tug, leaving the leather sticking out in hilarious fashion.  Nice chap.

We start in and he is telling us about this and that.  We do a bunch of these tours and getting into rhythm with the guide takes a few minutes.  Stuart has an interesting cadence and early in the tour we are at the foot of Blarney Castle.  The Castle is on this huge rocky outcrop and he explains that it is actually the plug of an extinct volcano.  Cool.

It was here that "it" went down.  Stuart is in the middle of his remarks and Betty interjects something.  She will later claim that it was an earnest historical query.  We all recall it being a quip along the lines of 43 self proclaimed "hilarious tweets that sum up shopping at Costco" variety.

Stuart stops and says that he "prefers his guests to listen to his information until he is finished and then ask their questions."  I think the kids say it best when they go "Snap!".  Betty is visibly shaken.  She refuses to say anything else near Stuart the rest of the tour and claims that he is equal parts racist against Asians and dismissive of women.  Stuart did something that day that I have not seen in the 31 years I have known Betty.  He shut her down (up?).

While awkward, we pushed on and while he was a bit of a curmudgeon, I rather liked him and he gave us a ton of insight into Edinburgh's history and the people that made it.  Some highlights:

- David Hume was a philosopher that influenced the American founding fathers.  Ben Franklin was a frequent guest.  Adam Smith was also in his hey day at that time.

- Robert Louis Stevenson is a treasured son of Edinburgh and we popped into a museum dedicated to him.  I knew (but never read) some of his books like Treasure Island, but was unaware that he also wrote Dr. Jeckle and Mr Hyde.  Stuart told us the story of the man that inspired that tale...a man by the name of Deacon William Brodie who was a respected councilman and locksmith.  Brodie would make an extra set of keys and was a huge thief who was ultimately caught and hanged.  The town was small then so we saw where all these things went down.  Stuart didn't think much of politicians and often said of the things in town that were messed up how it was the councilmen's doing, which became a refrain we would repeat often.

- Stuart took some extra time explaining The Giles Cathedral.  Prominent reformist John Knox preached there (and was buried next to it in what is now a parking lot...he is supposed to be under space # 23).  There was back and forth between the Catholics and Protestants (of course) and while the Protestants won the day, the Catholics held onto this property.  For a while.  Stuart was quick to point out that while they call this a cathedral, it isn't.  There is no bishop attached to it and the owners use the term so they can get people to come inside.  Not only that, but it was built on the cheap and that the vaulted ceilings don't align, things aren't centered, etc.  Stuart said we could go in but that he has been banned from entrance as he insists on telling his tour guests the real truth behind the facade.

- Most of the tour took place along the Royal Mile, which is the stretch of old town leading down from the castle.  It is said to resemble a fish with the Mile being the spine and off shoot alleyways resembling the little bones.  Each close would have been dedicated to a different industry back in the day and now house domiciles or cool bars and such.

- The old town was cramped and sewage was atrocious to the point that Edinburgh had the highest mortality rate of any town in Europe with the usual suspects of typhoid, cholera, etc. being the main culprits.  A couple hundred years ago, the rich set off across the little lake nearby and created the new town.  Things got better for the rich but the poor languished for many generations more in the cramped quarters.

- The little lake in between has since been filled in and it is now the rail station, but for 400 years, one of the fun activities they would do in it was drown witches.  7000 of them of those 4 centuries.

- Hitler loved architecture and said not to bomb Edinburgh (and some other cities) as he wanted them intact for when he took over.

- And JK Rowling took a lot of inspiration from the city when writing Harry Potter.  It is lost on my, but apparently Diagon Alley is said to be from this street in town.-

 And Hogwarts is said to resemble the Harriot School.

This is the Giles and you can easily see how off center it is.  Next day we are walking past it and we hear a dude say how gorgeous it is when taking a picture.  We were gonna stop and tell him what's what but gave each other a knowing glance and walked on.

After Stuart we walk past the burger joint from last night and take this photo making fun of the halloumi inspired tummy troubles of Lady Grey.

We have time for a nap and then head out to the Hogmanay New Year's Street Party.  It's about a five minute walk from our hotel and the crowds are getting think.  Lady Grey rallies and joins us but is looking even more pale than usual.

We get past the entrance and grab our whisky.  They gave each adult an airplane bottle of Johnnie Walker Black to ring in the new year.  How thoughtful.  The kids are itching to ditch us and immediately do.  The Boy and Chiquita are of age and Babydoll is all for hanging with them.  The moms and I tool around and see the spectacle.  We get some food, ride the Ferris wheel and admire the freaks that are walking around...both as part of the show and otherwise.

Extremely well done.  I read they sell 70,000 tickets to this and were sold out.  Lines for food and drinks were short and the security was ample but unobtrusive.  The crowd was boisterous, and both well behaved and lubricated.  The moms are off doing something and am standing in the crowd and behind me a woman gets on a rise and shouts at the top of her lungs, "John!".  I turn around and see she doesn't mean me, and so do the two guys standing next to me.  One of them says "My name is John" and the other guy says, "Me too."  I chime in that my name is John as well and we all toast and hug each other.  It was that kind of crowd.

They also had three stages of music going throughout the night.  I did my homework and none really sounded like they were in my genres.  There were video screens with quite good speakers set up all over and they would check in on the different stages from time to time showing a song or two.   One guy that did reach out and grab me was Gerry Cinnamon playing this song 'Sometimes'.

Great song...listened to more of him post trip and didn't care for it, but am infatuated with this track.  I dove in to watch him for a while and they are apeshit over this guy.  Watch that video and you'll see the entire crowd singing the entire song along with him at full voice.

We agreed to meet up with the kiddies at 11:45 to ring in the New Year together.  Kids have been off for about 3 hours with money and easily accessible alcohol and the moms and I were curious to see the state they were in.  

Not too bad but Boy and Chiquita had definitely been served.  The Boy is a year and a half into college and he seems to know his booze limits.  Chiquita told her mom that she only went to the bar twice, implying that she only had two drinks, but the Boy confides later that saying she went to the bar twice doesn't mean she only had two drinks.  Still, she is coherent and appears to be in a good way.  Babydoll is watching it all go down and learning.  At one point a little after midnight I hear Boy telling her how lucky she is to have the opportunity to go out clubbing and such in Taiwan before she heads off to college as a lot of the kids that get there have no clue and drink themselves into dangerous states.  "There would be an ambulance at the dorm every other weekend" he tells her.  Was lovely to see some good advice being shared amongst the kids.

As for me around midnight?  Betty isn't a boozer and Lady Grey was in no condition to throw down, so I got their Johnnie Walker bottles.  Also had the wee drams from Cardhu on hand and then purchased a couple of the lovely ginger ale and Johnnie's they were selling at the bar so by midnight, I had just the right swerve on.

From the morning scouting expedition, we found a nice spot to watch the really good fireworks show over the Castle that rang in 2019.

The moms were done, but the kids and I still had some gas so we hung out.  Our spot was a hundred meters or so from the exit and in front of one of the cool video screens with speakers that were thumping hard.  The screens would show the crowd while dance music played and the whole street became a little disco of sorts.  The Boy and Chiquita not only knew all the songs, but all of the words too, which was very surprising coming from the Boy.   I played along...a couple of the songs had samples from old timey tunes like Guns and Roses, so was able to bob and weave appropriately.  And then they played 'Africa'.  And the kids knew the shit out of that tune too and we all screamed along with it.  Can't remember where but read something about how you never know what song or cultural piece of significance is ultimately going to make it through to generations in the future.  That freaking 'Africa' by Toto is what comes out of the early 80's is something Nostradamus would never have predicted.

That hour or so hanging out with the kids was fun.  Dancing, yelling and hugging all the folks in the crowd was close to perfect for me.

We decide to head back and the hilarity continues.  Some locals are having fun on a sculpture of two giraffes with one of the guys able to mount one like he is riding a horse.  The sculpture is pretty tall and he has had a few and can't get off and instead of his friends helping him, they steal his shoes.  We're all hooting and hollering and one of the ladies with them tells me how awful it is for us Yanks to think that the Scotts are just a bunch of shoe stealers.  We do.

Have mentioned before but not for a while that I am a big Greg Proops fan.  Seen his act a few times over the years and a have not missed his podcast since 2012.  He is wickedly funny and we have a lot of the same interests as we are both lovers of baseball, Funk music and women that are strong, smart and confident.  In his stuff he talks about his time living in the UK and mentions how great Edinburgh is often.  I have never reached out to him on any level even though he is very accessible but decide to ask via email if he has any recommendations for us in town.  Dude writes me back almost immediately with a bunch of late night fish and chip and places to get drinks suggestions.  Not only that, but he remembers one the next day and shares that too.  Such a nice fellow.

I researched locations of the places he suggested and one of the sleazy fish and chip joints is directly across from our hotel and they are open for biz at 2am.  We get in line, share some more laughs with our fellow fish and chip devotees, then devour the greasy goodness before calling it a night.  Good times.

We had one more day in Edinburgh.  We booked this hotel first in our plans but later wanted to leave on New Years Day so we could get to London sooner figuring it was good to travel when most stuff was closed.  We couldn't change our reservation so had to stick around and am glad we did cause Edinburgh is happening this time of year and everything was open anyway.  In communicating with tour guide Stuart leading up to the trip, he offered suggestions on what we could do New Year's Day and he said that the Castle was open.  We booked tix for 1:30p as I figured most would want to sleep in from partying the night before.

The plans changed a bit though.  Mr Proops told me of a bar at the top of the National Science Museum we should check out and have the lobster if we could afford it.  When Betty and I were walking about yesterday, we were trying to spot where the museum was visually and was looking at the map when a local lady with her young daughter came up to ask if she could help.   We tell her what we are looking for and she points it out and then asks her daughter if she likes that Museum.  Her eyes get big and she says "Dolly is there".  Dolly is the first cloned mammal, the breakthrough occurring at a local university and her body is here.  We are pumped and find that not only is the museum open at noon but is also free.  I'm sure the kiddies would have preferred to stay snoozing longer, but they could not resist seeing Dolly

On the walk over, an incident happened...

 Haven't mentioned Starbucks or us playing PunchBucks this trip, but we have been playing a spirited game throughout.  There have been Starbucks everywhere...tons in the big cities and at least one in every little hamlet or burgh.  There was one around the corner from our hotel on the route we had to go every day, and this morning The Boy calls it and punches me before he even saw it.  Outrageous.  I wasn't apoplectic, but close, and the group sided with him not out of reason but just to aggravate me.  Was describing our game later and how it is now on my things to do list to codify this game, perhaps even creating laminated cards to put into your wallet, and they suggested I share this brilliant game with the Starbucks corporation.  In a more innocent time (re. violent,), think this would be huge, but in the PC world of today, probably would be considered an assault.

The National Science Museum was exceptional.  Lots of interesting things to see for all tastes and everyone likes things that are interactive.  I had a robot write my name in blocks.

 Dolly of course.

And the bar that Mr Proops recommended provided exceptional views.  I had a wee dram but didn't have time for the lobster.  Note that once again, we were provided the gift of spectacular weather.

 Edinburgh Castle is in the distance in those shots so hoofed it over for our 1:30pm slot.  It also provided lovely 360 views.

Perhaps it was due to the fact that we went pretty hard last night (or were still nursing the side affects of halloumi cheese poisoning) or that we had seen one too many castles, but none of us found it to be all that.  Go if it's your only castle stop, but would say that it's ok to skip it and spend more time about town.

Day was starting to fade and we walked down to that Diagon Street so the Potter types in our group could look at magic wands or something.  We had a late dinner reservation but were in the mood for a snack.  In a conversation with Stuart yesterday I mentioned I was in the midst of a haggis obsession and he mentioned a spot that serves it up right.   Lady Grey was not in a position to put offal into her body and Chiquita is a finicky eater and will not let it pass through her lips, but the Imbros are game for adventure when it comes to eating so off we went.  

I give you The Arcade Haggis and Whisky House.

Haggis and whisky?  Damn...we go in and a table opens up right next to the fireplace and we are feeling good.  They have a lovely selection of whisky so I order up a dram of the 18 year old Cardhu cause it seemed like the right thing to do.

We didn't want to overeat so we got an order of the Princess Diana Haggis to share.

Kinda hard to read so let me tell you about it in my sexiest food porn voice....Take a tour with three different layers including mashed potatoes, turnip and haggis of course! With specially made to order sauce of cream, tomatoes, onions and Drambuie liqueur.

Holy guacamole was it good.  Delicate, creamy, savory...I am tingly right now just thinking about it.  That is a crap picture and it has the awful beet salad that Betty insisted on getting in the background.  I  kick myself for not getting a proper photo.  The ultimate haggis experience and as it is possible that I will never get to eat it again, so glad that this was the last I ever tasted.

Dinner that night was fine and only mention it cause it was another Greg Proops recommendation.  He said if we want "shitty old school Italian" to go to Bar Napoli.  That may sound like an negative review to some, but knew exactly what he was talking about.  The staff had been there forever and it was loud and chaotic, but a perfect way to eat Italian food

We hit the train station early the next day for the 4.5hr ride to London.  We had seats of course but not everyone on board did, particularly the crazy lady with the yappy dog on our carriage.  4.0 Travel at its finest.

Since we've left, have been thinking about the trip.  Babydoll has said a couple times how Scotland is underrated.  I enjoyed Ireland and the people made me rethink a lot of the prejudices and preconceptions I had about them.  It was Scotland however that really touched me.  The beauty of the highlands, interesting countryside, whisky and haggis, and Edinburgh was one of those towns that has it all going on.  Said a couple times on the road and often since that I found it magical.  

See you next time