February 25th, 2020

Hey there,

Soooooo....where are we at these days?  With the Boss out of town for an extended trip and the Virus keeping extracurricular activities to a minimum, was able to knock out almost all of the backed up travelogues (and did our taxes and have organized every drawer and closet).  How about a little random local update?

We had a trip to Melbourne for late March completely planned and booked and it was going to be a good one.  Sadly, our flight there had us transiting HK and while Australia would still let us in (as of this moment), Taiwan would have required us to self-quarantine for 14 days and we could not do that.  Have been canceling out all the stuff and with the exception of one night of hotel and a tour to see penguins, have been able to get full refunds/cancellations.

School started back this morning and when I dropped off Babydoll, watched her get into a line to have her temperature taken.  I will be doing the same this afternoon as baseball season finally gets going...3 weeks late.  All of our offshore tournaments have been wiped out but we'll have fun.  There is real fear about schools opening cause it could go wrong fast...as of Tuesday AM, Taiwan has 30 reported cases and it has been going up by 2 each day for the last 6 days.  Watching the explosions in Iran and Italy this week adds to the fact it could turn on a dime, and that'd mess up so much. 

An interesting by-product of this whole deal was the poll taken this week that shows 83% of the island now identifies as Taiwanese, which is the highest total ever recorded and is attributed to the Chinese handling of the outbreak.  In further insult to the mainlanders, Bernie came out on 60 Minutes this week and said he'd intervene if China took action against Taiwan.  You know their knives will be out for him.  No secret I was a Kamala guy and am firmly a centrist by nature cause that is always the right answer.  While it is a bit too early to think he is definitely the guy, it sure feels that way and I am all in with both hands.  The Bernie Bros get way too much weight for their on-line antics as I do not believe they are even 1% of his supporters (and suspect that many of those are 4Chan rabble rousers) and the mantra that he is a Communist is sheer propaganda and if you are getting suckered into hating him for that, suspect it is not the first time you have been a useful idiot.  Dude is a decent guy and that should be more than enough. 

I detest the government in the mainland and got into a discussion the other night about the merits of the "unbroken 5,000 years of history" with my friend dismissing Egypt with that line as that makes the Chinese culture superior.  Other than that being a load of crap, this person has taken a big gulp size of the Kool-Aid and while there are some things to be admired, doesn't make it all good nor does it being old mean that continuing something is advisable either.  As exhibit A, here is a passage from an NY Times piece on their food culture that makes me want to spew.

I’ve seen snakes and the penises of bulls or horses — great for men, the theory goes — on offer at restaurants in many cities in southern China. Bats, which are thought to be the original source of both the current coronavirus and the SARS virus, are said to be good for restoring eyesight — especially the animals’ granular feces, called “sands of nocturnal shine” (夜明砂). Gallbladders and bile harvested from live bears are good for treating jaundice; tiger bone is for erections.

More mundane yet no less popular is the palm civet (果子狸), a small, wild quadruped suspected of having passed on the SARS virus to humans. When stewed with snake meat, it is said to cure insomnia.

Less wealthy people might turn to dog meat — preferably a dog that has been chased around before being slaughtered, because some people believe that more “jinbu” benefits are reaped from eating an animal whose blood and energy ran high. Similarly, it is thought that animals killed just before serving are more “jinbu” potent, which is one reason the more exotic offerings in wet markets tend to be sold alive — also making them more potent vectors for any virus they might carry.

Time for some yin and yang Taiwan style.  I can never remember which one is the good one, but here is the bad...2019 was the hottest year ever recorded in Taiwan.  It certainly helps explain my August/September crotch rot.  The good...Taiwan was just ranked as having the fastest internet  in the world.  I guess the frog in the boiling pot will be happily distracted before he becomes lunch.

Saw a decent band the other night and recommend them to you.  An Indonesian alternative rock band named Stars and Rabbit.  Once you get past the ridiculous name, they record as a duo but tour with a rhythm section, who are solid.  The dude is a competent guitarist that leans toward the blues, but it is the lead singer that is mesmerizing.  Put them in your Spotify queue.

Regionally, once this virus thing dies down can see a trip to Vietnam in our future and that we will definately be flying on Vietjet as their flight attendants wear bikinis.  After reading the article, that isn't what happens, but it was fun to think about.

In Beloved related news, it is the 20th anniversary of their great And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out and saw this love letter to that album in The Ringer of all places.  I remember walking the dog every night listening to it on a Discman and going to see them at the long gone long since demolished King Cat Theatre in March of 2000.  Those were simpler times

February 21st, 2020 Germany pt III

Hey there,

Last stop in Germany today...Hamburg.

We were here for three nights.  Before digging into the what's what, some random German stuff. 

Since we were more than a couple days in Dresden, Berlin and Hamburg, we opted for Air BnB for our stays.  These places are always a mixed bag and for the most part would stay in a 2 star hotel over a BnB as at least I know what I'm getting, but for longer stays they are convenient as you can control costs and time by having a kitchen for breakfast and such.  For Dresden, our place was cute and cozy but was small.  For Berlin, the place was giant but dirty and had no interior design personality.   It was a family with small kids home and they just sorta walked out leaving us to deal with their shitty WiFi and disorganization.  Being dusted with OCD on cleanliness and organization. those traits were certainly not in their DNA.  So while Dresden was small and cozy, and Berlin was big and dirty, Hamburg was a Goldilocks just right.

Maria was our host and as soon as we walked in, I fell in love.  Order is a character trait I value highly and Maria's place was the definition.  Everything was where it should be and the apartment had everything a traveler could need.  The place had touches of style that were equal parts utilitarian and fashionable.  What put it over the top for all of us were the heated floors...not just in the bathroom but the entire place.  This is a woman that has life figured out and is a role model for me.  I made up a song in her honor and sang it to the tune of The Who's Athena

Really didn't have to change the lyrics much at all.  A sampling...substitute Maria for Athena.

Athena I had no idea how much I need her In peaceful times I hold her close and I feed her My heart starts palpitating When I think my guess was wrong But I think I'll get alone She's just a girl She's a bomb Athena All I ever want to do is please her My life has been so settled And she's the reason Just one word from her And my troubles are long gone But I think I'll get along She's just a girl She's a bomb

The lyrics careen off the rails into a huge flaming wreck of a stalker in Alice in Wonderland after that, but this was written under a pile of early 80's cocaine and in a pool of alcohol.

Next...purple hair.

I noticed the first night in country and became obsessed with the amount of people, nearly all women, that have dyed their hair purple.  I started calling it out to the kids and for a while they would correct me that the color wasn't actually purple, but maroon or whatever, and it became a fun game for us...I'd say purple hair and they would counter with lilac or periwinkle..  I'm not color blind and the point was the unnatural coloring in all shades of a neon rainbow.  Have seen this before all over the planet too, it was just the volume of women that do it there that was jarring.  And it was never ever the cute chicks, so take this as a fashion warning that if you are considering this move, you ugly. 

Something else peculiar to Germany is the bedding.  Everywhere we stayed, the pillows were square and not rectangular.  Their firmness varied as rectangular ones do, but they tended toward not being squishy enough for me to mangle into the right shape to get my spine straight, but they weren't a deal breaker.  Half-assed internet research didn't find any cultural significance to it but there were a series of chat forums where non-Germans bitched about them and others bitched about those opinions with a common refrain noting that half the world sleeps on the floor and if they're lucky, with a rock under their head for a pillow.  The other oddity noted was that each bed is made not with the comforter over the whole thing, but with it wrapped up like an empty burrito and placed on top.  If it is a double bed, then there are two comforters placed that way side to side so each person gets their own blankie.  This is sheer genius.  As one who always gets the cover pulled off of him while simultaneously being accused of doing the exact same thing, that problem is solved as each has his own cocoon to get toasty in.   This guy's blog Expat Eye on Germany does a decent job detailing the pros and cons.

Another oddity I noticed is that crutches have changed.  Suspect this is not a German thing but that they have evolved and these guys are in the lead of that technology.  They do seem to be in the lead for the need for crutches cause once I noticed the new style all I could see were people using them.  Gone are the ones I grew up seeing/using, with the padded anchor that ultimately pinches that ligament under your shoulder.  This new style has the piece you hold onto but the anchor has been replaced by a C-cup that extends up the forearm to keep it from falling away.  As one that keeps abreast of these kinds of technological trends out of self preservation, they appear to be way better and not that I am looking forward to inevitably using them near future, I approve.

Finally, we were in Hamburg when we heard about the tragic fire in another part of Germany (Krefeld) that did not make headlines around the world.  It seems a 60 year old woman and her two adult daughters lit off some of those Chinese lanterns, which are forbidden in Germany, in a New Year celebration.  One of them landed on the roof of the primate enclosure at the zoo and killed 30 of the animals inside including chimps, orangutans and two elderly gorillas.  It was good that the women were not Asians or would have feared for our well being.  Tragic on every level.  I refuse to go to zoos as the cruelty inherent in them bums me out, and this just takes my loathing of them to new levels. 

As for Hamburg, we didn't know a ton going in.  Our first day was New Year's day, so we just walked around some empty streets and had dinner.  Our second day promised to be interesting because the Boy has a special female friend whose family lives in Germany and she flew in to hang with us for about 24 hours.  For reasons I may share another time, we will call her Spy Girl for the purposes of this space.  Betty, Babydoll and I strolled around the downtown core for a few hours in the morning shopping while the Boy went to the airport and picked her up.  We spent that afternoon and the next morning meandering about and getting to know one another.

Hamburg is a port city and is located pretty far north.  The scenic downtown is relatively compact and has a nice open feel to it.  Some shots to give you the idea.  Spy Girl makes an appearance in the first two.

 This footpath looked like a real Persian rug but was mosaic concrete

 That facial feature on top of the bridge below changes its expression based on the mood of passer-bys picked up via camera and fed through some algorithm.  I suspect Chinese involvement.

Tons of old warehouses along canals.  Hamburg has more bridges than London, Venice and Amsterdam combined.  Wait, I'll say that like a local...Combined!!! 

As I looked for things to to in Hamburg, a traditional walking tour didn't seem justified and the Hop On/Off bus wasn't really needed.  Didn't really plan a ton in town so the first night hit the internet to find something weird for us and hit paydirt.  A Red Light District tour. 

Was a tad concerned as we needed to do this in the evening and the only evening left was the one where The Boy's special friend Spy Girl was gonna be with us and we all will have just met her.  I also had to lie and say Babydoll was 18 cause this was definitely one where parental discretion is advised.  Boy-o said go for it so booked the Red Light/Blue Light tour of the St Pauli district.

This area of Hamburg is not just known for prostitution.  The Beatles cut their teeth here in the 60's and played 8 hour sets between the strippers.  All the clubs they played are gone now, but the main square in the area is Beatlesplatz and provided a perfect photo op.

Our guide this evening was Florian and we liked him.  In addition to taking tourists on tours of the area he also has a business where he helps "guide" groups of dudes on their evenings of debauchery.  We gathered his services were to help ensure the guys didn't get rolled and guaranteed that he was intimate with all of the clubs.  As we walked about he would pepper his comments with anecdotes like how in one bar they had showers on stage.  Not golden ones but real showers and they would get a guy in their party up there and when the stripper pulled down his shorts, all the group would laugh at his tiny penis.  When Florian was done with a particular story, we knew it had come to an end as he would say in a perfectly cliched German accent, "That is how it is." and give a little chuckle indicating that it was supposed to be funny.

At the end of one block as you loop around to the other is what looks like a residential street, but Florian pointed out this building.  In the windows are hairless Asian ladyboys for you to peruse to see if there is one you wish to meet.

The Geiz Club below is special as it has a deal where you can get two sex positions for the low low price of 39 Euros.  You'd be a fool not to go.  And you can save even more money by getting a meal off the dollar/Euro menu at the McDonalds next door. 

We walked past this police station and it was pointed out that it is the facade shown in a long running German TV show about the police and how the main actor of that series, Jan Fedder, had just passed away.  He was obviously a huge celebrity as we then saw his face on newspapers and billboards everywhere.  This was also the point that Florian started talking about the mechanics of the industry.  Hamburg has been a center of the oldest profession since the 30's...Hitler wasn't a fan but had to acquiesce to the 'needs' of his soldiers and allowed it to become hub.  It's reputation survived the war and became an international destination as Allied soldiers were a reliable clientele.  The trade was German controlled and the police had a good handle/working relationship with the industry until the Wall and Communism fell in 1989.  That is when eastern Europeans, the Albanians allegedly, came with their crime families and a steady stream of eastern European women that revitalized the trade but also but up a block to the police as German officers could not infiltrate the tight knit Albanian community. 

Florian also pointed out that the St Pauli neighborhood has the highest concentration of law enforcement in Europe...not only due to the prostitution, but CIA and Interpol for the reason that it was the safe space that the Hamburg cell of Al Qaeda planned the 9/11 attacks.  Had totally forgotten about that part of the episode...

Our guide at this point pulled us into a cafe/bar so we could warm up and have a drink.  As we're sitting there he asks how women become prostitutes.  I think we all had ideas but no one was willing to offer it up cause we could tell Florian was going to enlighten us.  He launches into a disjointed monologue about loverboys.  Not Workin' For The Weekend  Loverboy, but a very thorough and explicit detailing of what a loverboy is, does and how one goes about apprenticing for such a gig.

It was a bit hard to follow but we got the message.  I am not gonna try to describe it from what he said that night but rather copy this clinical description from the Netherlands government website on human trafficking.

Traditionally, a loverboy seduces young, vulnerable girls and boys over a lengthy period of time, in order to exploit them sexually later on. This practice is being used less and less. Nowadays, loverboys resort more quickly and frequently to threatening their victims, using blackmail and violence.

The internet and social media are playing an increasing role in this phenomenon. For instance, social media provide loverboys with much greater scope for establishing contact with victims and gathering information about vulnerable boy and girls. This makes it easier for them to force their young victims into the sex industry.

Have to share this of course...Lovin' Every Minute Of It.

The connection to the Netherlands and Hamburg was unexpected.  Pretty sure most people have heard that Amsterdam has a famous red light district and that you walk down the street and the women are in windows offering their wares.  I have never been there but have seen movies and such.  Hamburg has the exact same thing and is confined to a street called Herbertstrasse.

Women (other than the workers) are not allowed to go on it so our girls and Florian looped around to the other side while the Boy and I did the walk of shame.  I asked if we needed to have 'the talk' before going in.  It was just as you imagined.  Girls in lingerie and bikinis in windows, many yelling out clever lines like 'Hey Baby' to entice you more,  Much like a zoo, gives the same feeling that the inhabitants are trapped and makes you feel sad for their lot in life.  Also makes clear the side of humanity that preys on the vulnerable and has the moral fluidity to be able to do so.

Meeting up with the rest of our party on the other side, Florian asked for a 1-10 grade of the women we saw and he was visibly disappointed when I said 5, maybe 6.  Fake titty tattooed slaves ain't my thing my friend and am being generous with a 5 cause I didn't want to insult you.  If you care to read more, here is a hilariously clinical TripAdvisor review of how to protect your wallet and penis when visiting Herbertstrasse...2 stars?!?

 All in all, depressing, informative and a lesson on the world that needs to be discussed openly cause leaving it in the shadows only allows it to grow.

Spy Girl did not seem to be traumatised and had done a similar thing with her mom in Amsterdam.  Her mom sent her with a box of  homemade cookies to give to us too, so any mom that is capable of both those things is OK in my book.  We all signed off on Spy Girl as well as she played along with all of our games with aplomb and she seems to like the Boy.  

The Boy took her to the airport that afternoon and so it was our last night of the trip.  Maria (I had no idea how much I need her) provided some suggestions on places to eat and since her taste is unimpeachable, we went to them exclusively with great success.  We saved the one that she said was her favorite to the last night cause we knew it would be good.   Ristorante Il Buco...if you get to Hamburg you must go.  Italian food in the basement of an apartment building in a residential area but 5 minute walk from the main train station.  The food was uniformly excellent and we had a bottle of wine.  What set it apart was that there is no menu or specials board.  The dude sits down at the table and tells you what they have.  Like all great restaurants, they don't have a ton of things but do everything they have perfectly.  Not only is there not a menu, but no prices are given, so we are ordering a full slate of chow and wine and know it is not gonna be a budget meal, but that it could break the bank.  We all guessed the price and cannot recall who came closest, but it was 130 Euros, which was commensurate with other meals we had in Germany.  A great way to end our time together.

Time for the trip home.  In retrospect, we all liked Germany, but when we describe it to people, see disappointment on their faces when we say it was only fine.  I feel no desire or need to return and see places we missed.  Really interesting historically, quirky in good and bad ways and unique of course.  I think the reason that I feel that way is that for lack of a better term, it didn't have a 'spiciness' that any of the other destinations that we have been fortunate to visit have.  Still have a hard time putting words to the feeling and when I try, none capture it satisfactorily, but the best I can do today is that wherever we go, there is a distinctive joie de vivre that emerges from the people we meet and the food they prepare that felt closely guarded and hard to penetrate here in a way that feels like they don't want to share it with strangers.  Don't know if that makes sense, even to me, but it's what I got.  

Phew...that's all folks.  I hope to pop one of these out every weekend going forward.  I appreciate those folks that have asked about it.  Stay hydrated my friends.

February 20th, 2020 Germany part II

Hiya...

Germany part II - Berlin

Everyone we talked to about Germany said to spend as much time possible in Berlin, so we budgeted 6 days.  Well not everyone...one guy said his dream German trip was to spend all of it in some rural German village of 500 people and just get to know the local baker and soak up the quiet.  As that would be a form of torture for yours truly, we went with the week in Berlin.

Arrived the evening of the 26th, and as that is a day that has many shops closed we were lucky to find an Italian restaurant in the neighborhood that was open.  12 Apostoli was not only one of the two best meals we had the entire trip (both Italian), we loved it so much that we went back again and all ordered the exact same thing.  Betty and the Boy are carnivores and found something they loved.  After eating it they had the look of big cats on the plains of Africa after devouring a tender young gazelle.  Not only did they Lion King that carcass, we all loved the back story provided on the menu about the life of their prized pig.

"Costoletta di maiale della nonna Tomahawk from the Bentheimer Active Pig · min. 500 g animal friendly pig husbandry with play facilities in the stables, plenty of space and a roaming area, transparent value chain served with mashed potatoes with fermented garlic and sautéed spinach with pine nuts, dried tomatoes and artichokes" 

As is our custom, we took a 1/2 day walking tour and about halfway through it, we all sorta looked at each other and said that this guy was the best one of these types we have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  He was a British guy living 30 years in town and knew his stuff, but that was not what made him so good.  It was that he was a vibrant storyteller and made all of the sights and history surrounding them come alive.  There was some heavy stuff in here too and he conveyed all of that with the proper respect and honesty that they deserved.  The kids are not huge history junkies and they don't absorb all of the stuff typically, but they were rapt by this guy and could recite everything later.  Here is a link to the tour provider and our guides name was Jake.  This is a popular tour and when we met, the group split up with 4 different guides, so I say again, look for Jake.

The area we covered wasn't large but was packed with history a casual person would know.  We walked around Museum Island, which is a cluster of said museums.  We would return to go inside another day, but Jake pointed out that on the pillars and walls of the museums, the bullet holes for the fight for Berlin were left as a testament.  It was also on the steps of one of the museums (Altes) where Hitler stood in front of a couple of the most famous rallies.

Other things that one probably knows are the Reichstag and Brandenburg gates.  We planned to go back to the Reichstag cause it had an impressive rooftop dome that has a commanding view of the city and to see the walls inside where graffiti left by the Soviets remains, but you need to book well in advance and with the holidays, we could not get in.  Note to future travelers, go online and get your passes early, and have your passport # handy when you do.  The Brandeburg Gate is the iconic backdrop to much of Berlin's history...Napoleon marched his troops through it and Reagan demanded that the wall in front of it be torn down.  Jake pointed out that the face of the Goddess that drives the chariot on top of it is looking towards the French embassy cause historically the Germans have had to keep an eye on the French.  Am sure they feel similarly.

The US embassy is also in that square right next to the gate and the locals were pissed that they built it a skosh higher than the gate itself.  Also in that same square we were shown the balcony of the hotel where Michael Jackson dangled his newborn out of the window.  Now that is history I can use baby.

We walked by the square (Bebelplatz) where in 1933 they burned 20,000 books.  The memorial is subtle and powerful, and has this inscription.

That was a prelude only, there

where you burn books, you end up burning people, too.

— Heinrich Heine 1820

Another gut punch monument nearby is the Holocaust Memorial with 2711 boxes.  The designer never said what they meant and left the meaning of the differently shaped boxes up to the viewers mind.

We saw the nondescript car park that is the site of Hitler's bunker, which they don't memorialize to avoid it becoming a site to honor, and there is a building nearby that we were told had the apartment that Katarina Witt was provided for winning all those medals. 

Checkpoint Charlie and a section of the Berlin Wall were other highlights.

A site we passed by was the New Synagogue, which was one of the few spared on Kristallnacht and Jake told us the story of the police officer, Otto Bellgardt, who single handedly stopped the arsonists from destroying it.  If you don't know the term or what it's about, you really should.  Kristallnacht was on November 9th, the same day as the Berlin Wall fell.

A couple of the quirky things that were pointed out to us this day were the old traffic light walk/don't walk men that were only found in East Germany.  Called Ampelmann, would say these are the mascots of the city and there is a chain of stores devoted to selling anything you can want devoted to their images.

Fridge magnets were immediately purchased.

The East Germans also built a giant TV tower on their side of the wall and when the sun hits it, a cross shines bright.  The Communist government of the day was decidedly anti-religious so this unexpected feature was a source of mixed feelings for all concerned.  It was overcast for the most part but did see it on a sunny day.

One last thing from Jake...he stopped us about 2/3 of the way through our tour and asked our group of 30, "what is one thing you see in most major cities that you don't see in Berlin?"  The Boy swears he was thinking it but no one said the answer...CCTV's.  Germans, especially the eastern types, are very sensitive to the police state and so they have made the conscious decision to not follow the lead of everywhere else.

German is rich in opportunities for the immature to make fun of the words cause they have so many that sound genital related.  Our tour ended at the hilariously named metro stop Kochstrasse.

As far as other stuff to see, do, smell goes...the first thing to say about Berlin is that it has an extensive subway/metro system (U-Bahn) that is relatively cheap.  We got 6-day passes and went everywhere on the trains, nothing was more than 30 minutes away and it was really great. 

A couple of comments about the trains.  As they run everywhere, one is constantly going across the old East/West German borders and by the appearance of the stations and lines, there was no way the system was begun after WWII and wondered how it all worked when the city was divided.  This entry tells the tale. Most lines basically stopped at the borders with one passing through two stops in E. Germany, but the train didn't stop and there were machine gun nests in those stops in case the West thought of using them to invade the East.  Another thing is that there is a lot of drinking on them as we saw men and women drinking giant beers on every train.  And not just at night but a ton of day drinking too.

A must is to visit Museum Island.  You can get your groove on to whatever tickles you as they have a ton of varying collections.  Visiting any place that has a Monet I haven't seen is a must for me.  The kids ran off to look at a collection of coins, and Betty and I visited the place that had the famous bust of Nefertiti, which you can't photograph, but they have impressions and recreations galore.

What is absolutely essential to see while in Berlin, and would almost say is something any devotee of history should seek out in their lifetime, is the Ishtar Gate of Babylon at the Pergamon Museum.  I had no idea about it previously but a guy whose podcast I listen to regularly threw it out as an aside during a show the week before we left.  I've seen Babylonian relics before, but it takes a lot of imagination to picture what it was like, and as the Boy once said of them, 'they look like some ancient person's garbage'.  There was no imagination needed in looking at this wonderous piece of art.

They had a bunch of other stuff that was cool, but that gate is a show stopper.  We did all get a hashtag chuckle out of the ancient legal code concerning women.

Some things remain true no matter the epoch.

We tooled around Alexanderplatz for something to do one morning, probably cause it is where Jason Bourne met Nikki on the tram during a protest in one of those films.  It had the Tower, which no one wanted to go up on, and some fine churches and government buildings.

Some great patchy skies this day

But as this was the heart of old East Berlin, I had my heart on seeing the Marx and Engles statue.

Another day found us along the East Side Gallery, which is a section of the wall where graffiti artizens were allowed to create some memorable displays.  This is totally worthwhile to spend an hour or so.

 You can tell from the mass of people that this is an iconic slab depicting the real life kiss between Leonid Brezhnev and E. German Chancellor Honecker.  The work is titled My God, Help Me Survive This Deadly Kiss.

As we're walking from the Gallery to the metro, I see this advertisement and stop to laugh and admire the German openness towards sex.

I call it out to the Boy who looks and says Dil Doking.  Dude...it's Didlo King, but he found a new nickname for the rest of the day.

Since we had time to burn in town, we started looking for off the tour book things to do and the morning we walked by the above stuff, we went to an early morning Sunday Market, which is just the local term for swap meet, but is a valued weekend activity for Berliners.  Fun looking at their crap and managed to resist buying anything, but I was tempted by a couple of things.

If I had a cassette player, that Hasselhoff beauty woulda been mine.  They truly dig him there.

Another area that is worth your time is called RAW Galande.  It wasn't on our radar but we stumbled on it one night as a Thai restaurant we were tipped to is in there.  RAW is an abbreviation for a railroad repair station that was abandoned and then transformed into an area for artists, clubs and all manner of sub-culture.  We're following google maps to the restaurant and think something is wrong cause the place looks like a set from a dystopian horror movie at night.  We found our Thai joint (named Khwan, very good) and loved strolling around so much that we came back when we were in the neighborhood during the day.  If I was younger and/or liked the nasty ass music they played at their clubs, I woulda been all over this place.  There was a huge line of people waiting in the cold to go in on a Tuesday night.

The guy that told about the Thai place was from an outfit called German Food Tours.  We booked him for our last night in town to take us on a tour of places that sold German food and he suggested by email a bunch of places that we might like to try before we saw him.  We also went to a place on his list called Zur letzen instanz, which is the oldest restaurant in Berlin having operated since 1621.  Napoleon ate there.  It was good and the meat lovers in our crew enjoyed it the most.

I kick myself still for not demanding we stop and eat here, but ran across this place and did not have the opportunity to go back.  The hottest chicken on the menu is the So So Angry style.  I love it when a place leans into the stereotype.

So it was time for our German food tour.  This was the only one of its kind (that was operating during holiday week).  German food has a bad reputation and since we are an adventurous clan with regards to trying the local stuff, thought we would open our hearts and mouths and give them a chance to impress us.

Spoiler alert...they did not.  Full disclosure, I am not a fan of pickles/sauerkraut and one or the other is literally on every plate, so that's a strike.  They love meat like pork knuckles and feel like they serve their meat dishes with a heavy hand.  It is not delicate food and did not get the impression their is a ton of nuance.  I am sure they would disagree and that many non-Germans love it, but I was not a fan going in and came away less impressed overall.

I had high hopes going into our German food tour cause the guy volunteered a bunch of places and we really liked the two we went to, so thought he may be able to unlock they mystery.  The first place was sandwiches that none of us liked and cannot remember anything about them.  The second place was some sort of dumplings that we were legitimately looking forward to trying, but we got there and it was closed (the restaurant screwed our guide who had made a reservation, but bad mojo on his part), and the third stop was a sausage house where the gimmick was they cooked the meat over a wood fire.  I love sausages and we had a lot of good ones over the two weeks, but these were mediocre at best.  I will note that this was the only time I drank a beer on the trip and was the first one I've had in memory.  That I don't enjoy beer and it being the drink of choice there probably didn't help my perspective on the whole cuisine thing.  We replaced the closed restaurant by going to a fancy joint for dessert (Borchardt).  As we passed by it earlier, Dirk said it is where Angela Merkel and other luminaries ate.  Once inside, I asked Dirk if there were any famous people there and when he said no, told him to feel free to make some up cause we would have no idea.  He was not capable of that level of humor but fortunately for all of us I looked around and saw a couple.  Pretty sure that I made eye contact with Boris Becker when walking through the bar, and the portly guy at the table next to us was definitely Bernhard Langer...he'd really let himself go.  The desserts were good.

I would almost not have even mentioned we did this tour if it wasn't for our guide named Dirk.  He was raised in a small West German town and told us he came to West Berlin in his early 20's shortly before the Wall fell.  I was expecting a story about how he fell in love that night with an East German girl climbing over the wall or something, but he only mentioned realizing what happened when he started seeing East German cars driving around.  It was about 10 minutes into our first eatery when he said the restaurant we were in was new, but previously was a longstanding bar that recently closed.  He said that the bar owners barred a very right wing politician of the AFD party from having a drink and that is when they started to go under.  My spidey senses went up immediately and asked if that was a good thing or bad thing, and he gave me a look I have seen before.

For the rest of our time together, he peppered his tour narration with little dog whistle comments that made it clear what side of the political divide he stood.  Our brood didn't break it down till the next day at breakfast when I looked at the kids and asked 'Was Dirk a neo-Nazi?".  'Absolutely' was the response and we spent the next few minutes recounting all the little anecdotes that he said.  We landed on the term Commie-Nazi cause he waxed poetic about the lost way of life in East Germany (one he never lived in by the way).  See if you can find the theme in his world view...

- It is hard to find any authentic German restaurants as most of the places are Vietnamese or serve shwarma..  I refrained from pointing out that there would be more German restaurants if German food was good, which is empirically true.

- When you go to many restaurants, the waiters barely speak German.

- There are schools in some neighborhoods that are failing because most of the kids don't speak German and the German speaking ones are suffering while they teach the Arab kids how to speak Deutsch.

- Relatedly, there are a bunch of neighborhoods one can't even go because they are all Arab where the main avenues are filled with Maserati driving Middle Easterners.

- The prison system is messed up as one guy who killed another accidentally while texting didn't serve any prison time.  I'll let you guess the race of the driver.

- When asking what we should eat when we get to our next destination (Hamburg), he tepidly recommended a shrimp roll, but to keep in mind that while they catch the shrimp locally, it is sent to Morocco to be shelled, and then returned.

- When we were talking about Dresden and how we missed the Green Vault as it was closed due to a recent robbery, he related a story about a million dollar coin that was stolen from a museum in Berlin a couple of years previously.  Then he leans over putting his hand up to his mouth so others can't hear and whispers loudly "by the Arabs".  This move became a go to gag for us whenever we said any nationality going forward.  To be fair to Dirk, it was a Lebanese crime family that pulled the caper, but it was the whisper of the culprits nationality that gave away the game.

- My favorite one was when he told us that an ongoing scam the Arabs are running is that they are stealing tucks of baby formula and shipping it to China whose upper classes have a thirst for it as their locally produced variety contains lead.

We so loved Dirk and he immediately entered our Mount Rushmore of nutty tour guides that now includes Dirk, Francesco, the American theatre loving American hater from Amalfi, Stuart, the woman hating Betty shusher of Edinburgh, and Daniela, the self-esteem deficient desperate for a husband and always 20 minutes late lady in Naples. 

It was at this point that I started to worry about Germany.  We didn't see a ton of it on the streets, but the right wing parties are gaining real ground.  Since we returned from the trip, the AFD party won a majority in a former East German state and last weekend had a huge rally in Dresden commemorating the fire bombing of Dresden, blaming the west for war crimes.  Angela Merkel (who Dirk pointed out was East German) is stepping down this year after 16 years as head of state and there seems to be no one in her party that is seen as a worthy successor.  Merkel has been holding down the fort of liberal democracies during a lot of her tenure, especially in the last 3 years, and if there isn't a strong person to keep that tradition alive, I not only fear for Germany, but all of us quite frankly.  Really hope I am wrong about that.

We planned to travel to our last stop on New Year's Day and spend NYE in Berlin.  Read that a million people pack the streets so thought it would be a lively thing to do.  The New Year party that Edinburgh threw us last year was epic and don't think it possible to have a better experience in the street celebration genre, but the kids and I ventured out to see what goes on here (Betty was still feeling the crud and bowed out)  We get down there and there are mobs of folks milling about.  The fireworks are supposed to blast off above the Brandeberg Gate, but there is a three block cordon from getting close to that.  Not only that, but there was a perimitter around it that we never could find the end to and could not get around to the other side, so just meandered around people watching.  The police and army were out in force making sure no one broke the line, and no one could get their vehicles close, but totally get why as they had a series of terrorist car attacks on Christmas markets a couple years back.

That was the only picture I took on the night cause there just wasn't any pizzazz.   Am sure it was because last year was a magical time, but this was boring.  No crazy drunks puking/kissing/hugging on/with strangers or amongst their own groups.  Just polite calm drinking and every firework in the country.  Fireworks are illegal except for New Year's and they go for it in a way that was impressive and frightening.  Not that we were scared, just frightening in seeing the gusto they had letting off a year's worth of pent up whatever being unleashed.  The amount of spent firework garbage in the streets for the next several days is hard to describe in a way that explains the volume in every corner of the country.

We left the next morning for Hamburg and will save that for part III.  Until then my friends...stay hydrated.