June 1st, 2020

Hiya...

In the building where we live, as is typical in most apartment buildings here, there is a guard that monitors the entrance.  Our building has three pedestrian and one vehicle entrance, so there are about a dozen guards total that rotate assignments.  Some of them last for years and others only a few months and they engage us in varying degrees.  A couple of them jump up from the desk when they see a resident coming and push the elevator buttons to call it while others will just nod.  One thing they all do when stationed at the garage entrance is they will come to the door to see who is driving and wave.  Appreciate the security and will wave back every time, but there is one guy that goes to another level.  Whenever we come into the garage or front door, with his left arm he will throw this salute.

Not great quality cause I took it while moving, but it is a total Heil Hitler pose.  When he is standing, will click his heels together when performing it.  Analytical me understands he is just being demonstrative in his greeting, but since we are living in a conspiratorial epoch, could he be giving me the ol' Heil salute?  I am one of the only white fellas in the building.  And if so, is he throwing it out in solidarity or is he secretly mocking me?  The Naizi's appropriated a bunch of Buddhist imagery and this could be a religious thing.  Probably best not to ask

Briefly and relatedly, I am sure I have shared my 33%/66% theory before, but basically it is that 2/3 of the people out there are convinced of at least one conspiracy theory and you should back away from them slowly.  It's easy to identify the ones getting it from Fox News, but this absolutely crosses all gender, race, cultural, etc. boundaries.  Feels like we are ticking up and that it is now 75%.  What do the rest of us do with them?  Reason and rationality don't work.  Everyone says that they just avoid whatever the "subject" is but that simply kicks the can down the road.  I'm a fan of direct confrontation and shame and if they don't like it, fuck 'em...life is too short to have them in it.

So last week I gave a family update and said some decent things about the kids.  If they ever read this, they will likely skip over the next post cause they heard positive stuff.  Therefore, it is safe to hide a very concerning feeling in this entry.  I think Babydoll has some form of mania and worry not about her safety, but those of others.  Here are a couple of examples.  TOday was her second to last exam and it was at 2pm, but she asked me to drive her over as she was gonna help a classmate study.  She said that this person has bad study habits and waits to the last minute to cram the info into their brain for the test and how that is not the right way to study.  Scary right?  That is the only way normal people study and have never known anyone to do so otherwise.  On its own, I suppose I could ignore it, but without any prompting, she sends me this picture from her notebook the other day with the message, "that's a pretty good larynx"

 I know that people will say that she is just neat and what a dedicated student, but all of her notebooks are written in this bizarre small handwriting that looks like they are typed.  I don't recall too many manifestos from the ladies, but this is what I imagine they all look like.  I received that message and it was like I could feel cold hands wrapping around my larynx.  I am only half kidding.

Something got messed up this week.  I wrote the above a few days earlier and on SUnday went in to clean it up and add a spiel about how this virus is killing my mom.  Not that she has it, but how she is losing her mind due to being quarantined for the last two plus months.  It went deep into details and darkness.  For whatever reason, I could not get this program to acknowledge or save any of that and do not have the emotional energy to try to recreate it.  It was good to get it out of my brain and my suggestion at the end for all of us to share this stuff with others cause it helps to unburden your own mind and is good to know that others are going through some shit too.  

Will cut this short this week then.  Hopefully will be able to find some funny over the next few days.

May 20th, 2020

Hey...

A bit erratic with the timeliness of these posts, but no one gives a shit, so... 

For today, thought I'd try to give a family update in the Christmas letter tradition.  Receiving those from people is always hilarious and have wanted to send a funny one about how much of a disappointment the Boy is, B-doll being a candidate for beauty school, etc., but never did cause I didn't want to poke karma. 

The Boy turned 21 a few days ago.  Not many people on the planet that haven't had some landmark date or event occur during the quarantine and his 21st meant that no blackout/strip club antics were gonna happen.  Pretty sure he has scratched all those itches as he's had a fake ID since he got to college, and was able to go clubbing here as the drinking age is 18, but felt a bit disappointed for him.  To be honest, I have no recollection of doing anything on my 21st but I also had access to booze at 18 legally, so it wasn't any big whoop.  He told us he walked to a friend's house at midnight on the day and drank a Budweiser, which is probably as lame a celebration as you could dream up. 

He just finished year 3 and his cool summer internship that was at a drug manufacturer in Durham NC just told him that it is gonna be virtual...not sure if he'll still get paid.  He was talking to B-doll a couple weeks ago and told her he just got back from a jog.  We all laughed...and then we got worried about his mental state as we have never heard of him running just 'cause.   One thing he has been doing with his extra time is teaching himself how to cook stuff, which is an admirable skill that travels well.  His favorite desert has always been Apple Pie and he shared pictures of his latest efforts.

B-doll is a week and a half away from finishing her Junior year of High School and she is damn fortunate to be able to be attending classes in person.  Her school was on-line for a couple of weeks, but other than that, they have been in session.  She took four AP classes this year and the last few days have been those AP exams.  Normally, these exams are given in different time zones to accommodate the worldwide student population, but this year, for reasons that I have been unable to discern, they decided to give one on-line exam and everyone takes it simultaneously.  That means an exam time of 11am in California is 2am for Taipei.  Effin' ridiculous and makes no sense.  They have multiple tests usually, so what the fuck?  It's a money grab anyway and everyone knows it, but you gotta play the game.  Her final exams are next week, then she does 2 weeks of the T.A. (teacher's assistant) gig she has done the last two summers, and then has a 6 week internship at a research facility that sounds too good to be true.  Don't want to say too much about it at this point, but she sourced it on her own and have come to admire her self-discipline with regards to her studies and keeping her shit together.

As for The Boss, no question that this is the longest stretch she and I have been in the same town since 2011.  Her job is either traveling, or planning to travel, so she is not terribly busy at the office.  To supplement her company knowledge, she arranged for her and her team to take turns working a week at the warehouse.  They have a process for cycling through the office types to give them some experience in the different areas of the floor and today is day three of her week.  So far, she seems to be having a good time...apparently, she caught a burglar yesterday and also claimed to be the first person in our family that has ever worked an honest day of labor.  Rosie the freakin' Riveter.   She is not used to being on her feet for 8 hours and told us she was going to bed early last night. Babydoll and I said in unison 'Goodnight Rosie'.  It is good that she is doing a week of labor as I hope she gets back on a regular sleep pattern.  Ever since we were quarantined, she has been staying up weird hours binging Chinese soaps.  While that in itself is cause for concern, not having a regular sleep schedule can be a major factor in mental health.  It has been relatively calm at home though, so I shouldn't complain.

As for yours truly...baseball season ended on Monday.  We don't play a ton of games, but our last one was a rip snorter.  We got up big early and the other team clawed back to tie us at 9.  We were home team so had last crack, but we also had a hard time limit to finish and only 5 minutes to do what we could.  A walk and a steal, followed by a shot to the gap to bring home the walk-off run as time ran out made for a great finish.  Then we all went for ice cream after, just like the good ol' days.  I felt pretty damn good about myself by the end cause we didn't play well the first couple weeks, but really pitched and hit well as the season closed.  I know I am not a great coach, but think I am a pretty fair manager. 

Walking to the baseball field on campus, pass by the elementary school classrooms and see their art projects displayed in the halls.  Enjoyed a recent one where the kids drew self portraits of themselves wearing masks.  I assume they were told to decorate the masks with meaningful things to them.

I think this kid likes sushi and cell phones

And I would hang with this girl who likes ramen, bubble tea and puppies while grooving to some tunes.

Not much more to share about me for now.  I did see a news story yesterday that I found to be hilarious and endearing.  I refer to the Taiwan News site often in this space.  I know it is not whatever the Taiwanese equivalent to the Pulitzer Prize level of local journalism, but they share the virus updates regularly and the site does not seem to be inciting hatred, which is rare to see these days.  It is the local news stories and how they are presented that tickles me on many occasions, and the headline of this one begged for further reading; Video shows Taipei cops arrest pandemic jerk.

The article starts by describing a woman on the subway being told to wear a mask by transit cops, refusing, and then when they ask her to leave, she loses it and starts attacking a female cop.  Her male partner (Officer Liao) shows up and the woman starts wailing on him for a minute or two before he has to physically subdue her.  Officer Liao says to the lady once she is pinned, "Have you had enough?"  The article then describes the officer thusly:


Liao is a third-degree blackbelt in Taekwondo, stands 180 centimeters tall, weighs 85 kilograms, and is known by his colleagues as the Taipei Metro version of Holger Chen (陳之漢), reported Liberty Times. Liao said that he had tried not to retaliate against the woman as she assailed him and instead just focused on fending off her blows.

I know you are now asking, 'how tall is 180 centimeters, what is 85 kilograms in pounds, and who the hell is Holger Chen?" 

5' 9", 187 lbs, and this fuckin' guy.

That was not a bad interview and the dude has well developed thoughts (in addition to being swole).

My favorite part of the pandemic jerk story is at the end when it says the Taipei Metro chairman praised Officer Liao for his actions and gave him 30 metro tickets and a gift box of chicken stock.  This sounds like news from the Macon County Tattler rather than one from a city of 8 million people, but that is what makes it so endearing. 

Okey dokey...smell ya later

May 10th, 2020

Hey there,

The switch flipped and we are in it.  This will be the 9th Taipei summer we have experienced but the first when we'll be here for the whole thing.  I know it is coming and also that it is gonna be awful, but knowing the pain is coming doesn't mitigate its affect.  I will be mentioning it often in hopes that writing about it will be a form of therapy and the challenge will be to come up with new and funny ways to describe it without repeating old jokes like...You know what they say about the weather in Taiwan in the summer?  Wait 5 minutes and shoot yourself in the face.  Gold Jerry.

Hard not to complain about the heat...OK, impossible for me...but really shouldn't do so as we are in a place that feels almost completely normal.  Coming close to the end of baseball season and we practiced/played Monday through Thursday evenings.  Friday night, we had friends over for drinky-poos, went downstairs to the Vietnamese place for dinner and came home for a round of Cards Against Humanity.  Had never played and was excited to having heard about it for years.  It was funny the first couple of rounds but it wore thin relatively quickly.  Saturday we went to a friend's place for a BBQ and we are taking Betty to a steak joint tonight for Mother's Day. 

This is not to brag or make you feel sad, but to give you hope that life can get back to normalcy.  Every conversation with a person I talk to here says the exact same thing; how lucky we are to be living in the best place on Earth during this time in history.  It's been 28 days since there has been a single non-imported case, and while they aren't saying so and remain vigilant, they have beaten it.  Have been predicting/hoping that other countries that have done the same can start interacting and that we can beat the heat here with a trip off island, and saw this article where they are talking to Australia and New Zealand about creating a travel bubble with Taiwan so that people can go places without having to quarantine.  Please make this happen. 

I have to walk through the elementary school to get to the baseball field and saw the latest artwork project displayed on the walls.

Have to assume it was an exercise to draw a masked self portrait and to express your feelings on the mask.  This kid apparently likes sushi and his electronics

 I liked this girls the most...her snack sized puppy named Honey, lots of music and bubble tea.

This mask shit is not enjoyable for anyone, but it is not hard to do. 

The Boy turns 21 on Monday and while he won't get to celebrate by having his first drink, will always be able to tell his children the story of 2020.  He seems fine and have been impressed that he's been teaching himself how to cook real food with his extra time.  He sent us some photos and the stuff looks good, and this week he has started experimenting with baking his favorite treat...Apple Pies.

The lattice one looks cool but he said the crumble crust tasted a lot better.  Am sure he is playing too many video games, but taking this unique opportunity to learn a skill that will follow him forever is admirable.

My poor mom on the other hand seems to be losing it.  She got diagnosed last Monday with having a UTI (look it up) and that has caused her mind to cloud in the past.  They put her on antibiotics and hoped it would get her back to some clarity, but has been agonizingly slow in doing so.  It has been a week of not understanding why she is not at the home she lived in years ago, 'why are you doing this to me' and going through her phone book calling everyone asking those questions.  We Skype and she is looking at me and asking where John is.  I ask her who I am and she says my son John, then asks in the next breath where her son John is.  My sister asked me what it feels like to have a twin,  Sexy of course.

I've read and been told how to react to this kind of dementia, but as an impatient person, it is mind bendingly frustrating and know I am not doing a great job of it and that makes me feel awful..  Not being able to see anyone other than the other old bats that walk down the hallway or go out of her place for anything has to be contributing to this confusion.  Reading is really not something a 93 year old can do with pleasure, and even navigating Netflix is far beyond her technological aptitude.   I know a lot of other folks here who have similarly aged parents in the States and they are all having similar issues to some degree.  These people might not die of the virus, but they are another casualty that is hard to quantify.  After us expats talk about how fortunate we are to be here, the next sentence is how fucking pissed we are at the States for the way that even the most basic of remedies like wearing a mask is now the frontline of the political divide.  I knew that getting the 33% of Americans that ride or die with that guy to come together would be unlikely, but their fervor with doing so is stunning. 

Sorry, not a great nor funny entry today.  Think I have a bit of what they describe as survivor guilt

May 3rd, 2020

Hey there,

As mentioned, Betty went at my mane with the hair straightening thing on Saturday.  It took about an hour longer than she thought.  It looked weird as you can see...a cross between Trump's doctor and Spinal Tap's David St. Hubbins.  By the way, St Hubbins is the patron saint of quality footwear.

Did that this night as we were going out with friends for dinner, which we can do in this burgh  Thought it would be fun, but the look didn't even last an hour before frizzing out.  One of the ladies we went out with has talked me into doing a Brazilian blowout with her and we are looking to get that on the books soon.

Following up on last week's news of the ill-fated Goodwill fleet and the many sailors with the virus that were allowed to run roughshod around the island, today marked the 14th day since that happened and not a single case of transmission from them has been found.  It was hinted that these sailor boys visited all the "girlfriends" and that says a lot about their copulation methods...will leave it to you to discern exactly what.  They are going to test all the quarantined sailors again before freeing them from isolation.  Taiwan went 6 days in a row without a single case and that string was broken yesterday with 3 new imported cases (from Senegal and Japan).  We're getting close to being free of that shit here, but as long as people come from somewhere else. it is unlikely to be eradicated.  What do you do?

It is clear to our clan that a visit to the States this summer is completely off.  B-doll, who had a nice internship lined up in DC, has cancelled that and was fortunate to secure a 6 week gig here and a prestigious research facility.  As we are off for 8 weeks and would need 21 days of isolation to re-enter society, we have resigned ourselves to spending June/July here for the first time in 9 years.  The sweaty gorilla in the room is that this place absolutely roasts in the summer and this week saw it begin.   Over a 100 fahrenheit every day, often over 110, with it cooling down to the 90's at night.  Oh yeah, as humid as your worst nightmare too.  There are absolutely no days off where a breeze or rainstorm does anything to break it.  A rainstorm will just increase the sauna effect and also increases places for the mosquitos to breed.  Probably shouldn't have listened to that podcast about how mosquitos have killed over 50 billion humans in history this morning.  A breeze makes the instantly rotting garbage smell smack you in the face like your sticking your nose into the presidents ass.  The VP knows what I'm talking about.   I will say that the locals do an admirable job of getting trash picked up every day, it's just that any garbage is weaponized withing minutes of being exposed.  What I'm saying is that I will probably not be taking a break from posting and will almost certainly use this space to whine about it for the next 5 months.  Just a warning.

One more semi-related piece of regional intrigue.  A bunch of like minded China hating types from Vietnam, Hong Kong and Taiwan have an online group where those countries entered an alliance against Chinese bullying in the neighborhood.  As those place all love their tea with milk (Thai iced and Taiwanese Bubble) they have named their group the Milk Tea Alliance.  A clever and delicious sounding name.  Australia has been having a war of words with the Chinese of late and they were just added to the group.  I think they can do better with the Australian addition being a baby formula Aptamil, but I have got to get me a t-shirt with this image on it.

Have been grateful this last week in that there has been some sports to distract.  Didn't want to, but have been keeping up with that ESPN Bulls documentary.  Felt I needed to as all the sports fans I know are tuning in so need to be updated to join the conversation.  Since we don't have ESPN, the way we watch it is by using our VPN to log into Tokyo to get their Netflix feed.  4 episodes in and even as this documentary is reportedly controlled by Michael Jordan, he still comes off as a (n amazingly talented) passive aggressive dick.

The other fun thing last week was the NFL draft, which I would watch anyway but was unusual this year for obvious reasons.  Seeing the homes of the GM's and coaches, as well as the player home celebrations was quite interesting.  I loved the mom that pulled the girlfriend off of the draftee as she was preening to the camera and even laughed at Belichek posing his dog to make their pick.  My personal favorite was the Raiders first round draft pick Henry Ruggs III sitting on his couch wearing a white bathrobe with the Old Spice logo on it

I want one.  My Mandarin DJ name has long been Da La, which means Big Spice, but I can't kick it as hard as I used to so have officially graduated to Old Spice.  Mr Ruggs was not wearing that robe for no reason but did so to highlight Old Spice's $320k donation to the United Way.  Love that guy now and expect him to be wearing a Super Bowl ring within 3 years.

One more draft item to note...the Patriots drafted a kid that has a white supremacist tattoo because of course they did.

Last week I shared a cricket video from my year in Melbourne in 1983.  An Aussie band I came to love from that time has been posting audience photos from past shows to keep in touch with their fans, and yesterday, they uploaded this photo from October 9th, 1983.

Don't see myself in there, but I was beaming as are all these folks.  Some very cool friends I made during that year took me to this very show and it was, as they say in Cold Chisel speak, Fuckin' classic.

Finally for today, we bought a mint plant for our balcony a month or two ago as Betty likes to make fresh mint tea for herself.  My father tortured us as kids by making us do yard work from sun up to sundown on weekends.  I kid you not...we had to stop cause we couldn't see any more.  This trauma, which probably gave me whatever work ethic I had that has been wiped away the last 9 years, instilled a life long aversion to doing any yard work of my own.  Having this mint plant is about all I can stand and I still hate the responsibility of keeping it alive as it is such a needy little thing.  If it doesn't get a ton of water every day, it wilts and looks so sad, and would be dead within two days.  Better are the little cactus plants we have in the office.  Betty and I are both Snakes in the Chinese horoscope and have read that they are considered lucky for that sign so we've had our two little guys for several years now and all the maintenance they need to thrive is an ice cube in the pot once a week. 

Was talking to The Boy the other day and remarked how that it was nice that he called me.  I shouldn't have been happy as the true reason he called came out later during the conversation that he is looking to buy a car, but at least he waded through other topics first.  Anyway, he has been good about calling Grandma and has set a reminder to call on Sunday's, which is the day she has no caregivers and feels the most lonely.  Grandma is in an Assisted Living place in California and as with most of those, outside visitors are not allowed.  Not even my sister who lives nearby has been able to go in to see her since it went into effect.  She does drop off homemade food regularly and yesterday was able to see her as she came out to the balcony to wave. 

Funny and sad.  Calls to her help connect with the outside world and hopefully keeps her sane.  I call on Skype everyday and she usually gives me crap about my hair and I admonish her for not getting out for a walk or exercise.  Still, gives her something to do.  I tell the Boy that Grandma is like the mint plant these days and needs a healthy dose of water to keep her alive, and also that it would be nice for him to call us more frequently too.  He doesn't need to check in every day, but maybe give us an ice cube once a week.