Welcome to my diary...the goal is to share with you the sights, sounds, and yes, even the smells of what it's like to be an Imbrogulio in a foreign land.
School started last week. Full in person attendance with masks required by everyone at all times. Not a peep of dissent and that's in a society that has not had a locally transmitted case reported in months. Big news here last week was that HHS head Alex Azar came to Taiwan and he is the highest ranking diplomat to step foot here since the '70's. Pissed China off, which was obviously the reason they did it, but the stated reason he came was to liaise with his Taiwanese counterparts on virus management strategies. I looked...while there were plenty of articles about the message this sent to China, could find a single mention of the crisis management aspect of the trip nor what he took away from it. How about telling the boss that masks work dude?
Anyhoo, this is Babydolls senior year, which is pretty damn big for her and for us parents. The night before the first day she had her friend over and I was asking how it felt to be the Big Women on Campus...the Top Dogs as it were, and they replied that they are now the apex predators. Loved that. I took a photo with her but was dripping with sweat from my morning chores and look like a woman...seriously, like a sweaty lesbian with small but pronounced tits. Will stage a photo when I look better another time. The school took some candid artsy shots of the kids and posted them on their website...here is one of her.
OK...the real reason we're here today is to talk traffic. It's been a while since I bitched about it, but got a traffic ticket in the mail the other day, which prompted some thoughts.
Famously, I got 10ish speeding tickets the first couple months here as I was not warned about their speed cams. Think I've only gotten a couple since, but the latest was a new one.
With their dashcam, someone caught me changing lanes without using my blinker and submitted the tape to the authorities who issued the $40 fine. I had heard that this was a thing and thought semi facetiously that it'd be a good side job for me as the reporting party gets a few bucks for doing so, but snitches gets stitches, right? In reality, I am quite OK with this as this place could use some accountability on the roads and anecdotally have noticed people using their indicators a bit more around town the last few months and figure that this has been a focus of enforcement. Sucks I got popped for something that I feel I adhere to in an above average way and also is one of my pet peeves when people don't do it in situations where a nice indicator would be good mojo and prevent accidents.
The last few days I've have been cataloging the different types of offenders that are common here. I have given them names to help keep track and present them for your consideration.
The Late Blinker - These types have always been here but they've increased since this new blinker focus. The hallmark of the Late Blinker is to be driving and to then move into the lane next to them slowly, and then put their blinker on when they are 2/3-3/4 of the way into the new lane. It is not a secret why they don't want to signal early as if they were to do so, the people behind them would speed up to cut them off. Not unique to TW of course, but built into the DDNA (Driving Deoxyribonucleic Acid).
The Monday Morning QB - A feature of the lane construction here that I have not noticed elsewhere is turn lanes markings. Common is a three lane road that comes to a light. Past the light the three lanes continue but the left lane has a turn arrow meaning that it is left turn only. As there is a lane on the other side, you can go straight but the intention is left only. In some cases though there is a dual straight/turn arrow, so that would mean it is both a thru and left turn lane. In this scenario, you come up to a red light and there is a single car in that dual arrow left turn lane without the blinker on. As soon as the light turns green, that is when this monster turns on his left indicator. I get that the left blinker guy above is afraid of someone speeding up to cut him off, but MMQB is in the pole position and cannot understand the motivation.
The Wayward Sperm - Did you know that in every male ejaculation that there are between 39 and 928 million individual sperm cells? Since lane changes are problematic concepts for the Taiwanese motorists, they have found a safe space to change lanes where there are no lines...in the intersections. As a student of traffic, this is one of the most dangerous things to do and is illegal. These folks are schooled from the earliest of ages to color within the lines. Follow the instructions or you get your hands whacked by the teachers. Whenever they get to a place that has no rules, in this case line-less intersections, they don't have rules to govern their actions and are free to indulge in their worst selves. One of the few instances in their lives where they can truly be free. Everytime I come to an intersection, I feel like I'm gonna get sprayed with the money shot.
The Butt Sniffer - Very cultural and you see it everywhere...not just on the road. The Butt Sniffer is a meter from your back bumper at all speeds. I don't get the impression they are riding your ass to push you into getting out of the way, it is just they are very comfortable in that spot. This happens in any line at the Family Mart/7-11 when there are two people in the store and I'm paying and can feel the heat of the other person's body right behind me.
The Small Barky Dog - Obviously related to The Butt Sniffer. There was a Loony Toons cartoon that had a big gruff bulldog and his little buddy yapper dog that would always be jumping around him and talking shit. If anyone knows where all those Loony Tunes are housed for viewing, please let me know. In this instance, the Small Barky Dog is on your ass, then sees an inch of daylight in the adjacent lane, and will move over and ride the ass of the car in that lane. They'll use their horn and lights to encourage you to get out of the way so they can race ahead to the next red light or car in front and repeat the process. Like a nervous Chihuahua, there is no off switch and suspect these people are twitching while they sleep. On this list, these are my personal favorite cause you can see them coming and often times can do something about it. You can speed up to let them think you are the fast lane, then slow down to get them to move over and ride the guy next to you for a bit, then speed up so they'll move over behind you, and repeat as long as possible. I don't think they even notice cause like a Chihuahua, their skulls are small and contain a brain to match. Betty absolutely hates when I do this.
The Undecided Voter- You'll recognize a bunch of these wherever you live or drive, but this is the one that most Americans know when they get pissed at the DWAs (Driving While Asian), but they are misinterpreting the action. The Undecided will be sitting smack dab on the line dividing two lanes, neither in the right or left but effectively blocking both. My Grandma used to drive like this in her waning years, but that was due to a deterioration of eyesight and depth perception, but that is a small fraction of what is going on here. Americans think they are simply bad drivers and while that is true, they are bad because they are driving in both lanes so they can later choose which lane is faster. Some would argue that is clever driving, but truly clever drivers, like yours truly, can process the way the wind is gonna blow like a meteorologist in Florida and get to the right spot early.
The Enablers (aka The Face Savers) - The people that will allow all the others to proceed without even the slightest toot of a horn. Look, during this plague season, I have had to rethink my opinion on a lot of the things that they do that seemed weird but are totally life saving precautions, and I will agree that letting some things go to not create conflict is an admirable trait. The cultural term is saving face, but when that devolves into letting people piss on community norms cause they know they can do so with impunity, this 'Murican draws the line.
The My Bad (aka The Racoon) - I think about 80% of societies ills can be fixed if people were willing to eat their mistakes. For example, here is one that I know you'd like to hear..."I voted for that guy cause I wanted to give a business man a try/Hillary was a warmonger/taxes, etc., but was I ever wrong and will vote for all Democrats with both hands." We all have our fantasies. How this relates to TW drivers is that they missed their turn or are in the right turn lane when they needed to go left, and instead of going another block to rectify the error, they are gonna stop the world and fix it on the spot. The Enablers will grab a tub of popcorn and silently watch the show and if there is someone that gives leans on the horn at them, the best you will get is the My Bad smile. More often, they will look at you like a Racoon does when you catch him digging in your garbage can and shine a light on him.
The Nuzzler - They sound cute but are the second worst of the lot. Here is the classic Nuzzler move...two lanes going straight and a third left turn only lane. The straight lanes are popular and at the light are backed up 5-10 cars deep while the left turn lane has a car or two. Nuzzlers see all that empty space, drive up the left turn lane and Butt Sniff the car turning left. They know they are going straight and the left turn is gonna be stopped, but they go there and then nuzzle their way into the straight lanes. Since they are so close to the car in front as they needed to get a good whiff of what's coming out of the car turning left's ass, they can't merge with flow, but inch their way in, further delaying the line of cars going straight, until an Enabler stops the whole show to let them in. Nuzzlers are like bad dogs that will put their head on your lap all innocent like, and then steal your pork chop and swallow it whole.
The 1% - While the Nuzzlers are awful, they get away with it cause they are mistaken for the My Bad's pretending they made a mistake when it was really just a ploy to sneak in front of a few cars. The 1% will just fuck you over and are surprised when they aren't thanked for it. I have written about them before and am sure I have given this example more than once, but since I see it every gawdamn day in the same spot, am gonna detail it one more time. Two lanes clearly marked as the left lane goes straight and right lane is right turn only. They are very clearly marked both on signage and painted ground arrows as this corner has a hospital on it and there are a ton of people in wheelchairs, with canes, or dragging oxygen tanks behind them around, so serious business. This is also a funnel area so the right turn lane gets busy at rush hours as there is a school nearby, cars coming the other way turning left, a major arterial just around the corner, and is just a high volume choke point. This means that the right turn lane backs up quite a bit during the morning commute, but it will cycle through clean within a couple of red/green light changes. I see every day that people will go all the way in the straight lane to the light and then make the right turn cutting everyone off in the process. 10 or more cars, let's say an average of 2.5 people per car , and these 1%ers have zero problems screwing over 25 of their fellow citizens. I know they come out the other end thinking how brilliant they are that they just saved their ass 2 minutes, and of course they are so important to humanity in their shitty Toyota Cefiro that those two minutes just saved the fucking planet. These are the absolute worst people that nature has evolved/God has created and are the first heads I am putting on the spikes as you head into Rome.
I know I am missing some and will update this list when I remember accordingly. If you have questions or suggestions on alternate names for these people, operators are standing by.
Has been too long. Have a bunch of stuff backed-up to share and since school starts tomorrow, thinking things are gonna slow down and will have some time to devote to this space. Want to share one great thing this week and that is that we were able to catch a live show for the first time since this stupid virus thing began.
The band is called 88 Balaz and have liked what I have heard of them on Spotify but have never had the chance to see them live. It popped up that they were having a record release party for their 5th album and so headed down.
Balaz means Guava Seeds, but other than that, they don't put out a ton of info in English so don't have much more to say other than they have been going since 1996 so are a professional outfit. The show was at a new club for us and was a tiny space. For the price of admission, about US$25, you get entry, one drink and a copy of their new CD. In this point in history, masks were required and temperatures taken at the door.
Currently in Taiwan, they are still on a run of some 120 days without a local transmission, but the country is on high alert as there have been reports that people who have left Taiwan have tested positive once they got back to their own countries and so there is suspicion that the virus is lurking. The school starts tomorrow, but masks are to be worn at all times and normal beginning of school get together events are not happening. Still we start on time and with full in person attendance so feel damn fortunate for that. Masks requirements are being re-implemented in public spaces like the subway. As a skeptical American, it is my nature to think that these are overreactions, and then I realize that they have been right about everything all along and that this is the way we get to do nice/normal things, like pack ourselves into sweaty clubs and see live music.
This band was the real deal. Punk, surf, power chords and high energy from start to finish. We can go to shows here, but the bands from anywhere else can't come to us we have to go see the local bands, and it is heartening to have caught these guys cause they rocked hard..
Masks were required for entry but I took this shot about two songs in. As you can see, many are masked but just as many are not. They give you a drink ticket so that is gonna cause some to be pulled down as you can see with the guy front right.
Something I love about shows here is that there isn't much difficulty getting to my favorite spot, shich is a couple rows back and to the side in front of the monitor (for maximum decibels)
Not only was the place jammed, but these guys have a terrific following. There was a very respectful mosh pit and I was on the perimeter of that for most of the night. Mosh pits are quite perilous for someone with my unstable knees, but having 20 (50) pounds on all of this crowd, was able to hold my own. And it was most respectable...one guy smashed into me pretty hard but he could tell I was a fall risk, so he patted me on the back and made sure I was OK. Also saw something that I had never seen before...during a particularly fast song, a beer bottle fell into the middle of the pit, and everyone stopped in their tracks and knelt to pick up every last shard of glass. The band kept playing, but the crowd cooled down till it was all clear, and then went back to the action. My buddy and I agreed that getting glass cuts is a badge of honor in US mosh pits, but they are a different breed of cat here.
There was a steady stream of stage diving too. Mostly boys, but some girls too.
What a great time and it was even sweeter since it is an activity that is probably the last thing one could do during a pandemic. I was very aware of feeling the breath of the people behind me on my neck. I share this as an example of the freedoms you can have if you give up some freedoms, like the freedom of being a dick and not wearing your mask. Seriously, here is your reminder to tell that "friend" or your fucked up relative to wake up. Being nice to them is pointless and do you really need friends that are pieces of shit. And tolerating relatives that are odious because a couple people had unprotected sex together once seems like a waste of time to me, but you gotta be you.
I bought the t-shirt after the show. It is rare they sell them in my size and this one had a great saying on the back.
Upon research, this is the name of their new album. I found that out by liking their Facebook page but all the info is in Mandarin. I hit the translate button and figured out that this was the record title, but the translate feature changed it to, "My heart is burning for your middle aged arthritic hip!" It's like they made the record/translation just for me.
The Boy got a car this week. He turned 21 in May and finally got his driver's license earlier this year. As a boy raised in SoCal, who was at the DMV on his 16th birthday and roadtripped to Westwood that night just to look at t-shirts and posters, him not getting his license until now was a hit to my sense of being. About a year ago, we tried to suggest he get a car, but he was indifferent at best, which when you think about it, that your folks are offering to get you a car and you don't care is astonishing. Since he has been stuck cause of the virus this summer, he became obsessed with getting one. Can't blame him...have seen articles where they say car sales are up as it is the ultimate PPE. He worked with us in figuring out the right ride for him and found a 2005 Honda Accord with 119,000 miles on it for $6,000. Betty and I are big fans of that particular ride as it is the last car what we bought new and loved it. The kids loved it too as the kids found the buttery leather seats to be perfect nap inducers. They both recall the deep sleep they got in the back seat of our old one. The one Boy-o found is identical in engine size, leather seats, even a sun roof, only it is black to our old grey. The plan is for it to be around (in good condition!) in 4 years so it can be passed along to Babydoll.
He was very chatty with us in the weeks leading up to the purchase, but since he has been liberated, not a peep. Whatevs...perfectly predictable. The real question for him, and humanity as a whole, is whether my Parking Spot Superpower has been passed down. TBD.
Babydoll just finished week 5 of her 6 week internship. Her thing is pretty damn great...working at one of the top research facilities in the world doing research on how to reduce carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Her group is run by a research professor and there are 9 graduate students alongside him. And her. B-doll reports a great working atmosphere where the people get along and have some laughs while they work. Her best friend is also working there and we were at dinner together and the friend's experience is almost completely the opposite. Her group makes no eye contact with each other and goes about their business in silence. Her mentor sounds dismissive and borderline abusive, and she cannot wait to be done.
I asked B-doll to explain to me what the friend is working on and she kinda highbrowed me saying that I wouldn't understand (it entails watching fish all day, so how hard could it be?). She asked if I knew what her project was and I said something like 'growing rhodium nanoparticles so they can test them to see if they can be used in reducing carcinogens in the atmosphere', and she goes (sarcastically), 'it's carbon dioxide, which is not carcinogenic." Or something like that, I really don't know to be fair, but I replied to her contempt of my knowledge in the only natural way possible. Luckily, I had a fart brewing, so I let it fly and tell her that "I've got a carcinogen for ya".
Betty is still grounded from her travel for work gig and she is starting to act like one of those birds that has its wings clipped; looking out the window at all the other birds flying freely while she gorges herself on seeds and poops all over her cage. I change the paper regularly, but sheesh. On the way to/from her work, across the river is the Songshan airport. It used to be the main international airport here until they built the modern one 30 minutes outside of town. It is cool in that it has 50's military junta style architecture and is located right in the middle of downtown, which is super convenient but highly unusual in this era. A bunch of domestic/short international flights still go in and out of there, and part of it is still military use, but I know the plan is to close it one day as it is gonna bring in a ton of cash as the real estate is worth a fortune. Anyway, when we're driving the planes take off really close by and every time we see one, she makes a little noise. Hard to write what it sounds like, but it is definitely a sad moan giving the feeling of longing and sadness.
As for yours truly, I am watching the calendar and by my calculation, we are at the exact halfway point of summer. Not calendar summer, but intense Taiwan heat summer. Starts in May and ends in September. I am absolutely not spiking the ball but have been so far successful in not getting diaper rash/crotch rot. Seriously, that is my absolute main daily concern. In the paper this morning was an article with the headline Hot, sunny weather expected for Taiwan over the next 7 days. It can't be good when even these guys think it is gonna be hotter than normal. I fancy myself an amateur meteorologist, and reading that article confused the hell out of me, but I think it says that the temps are gonna hit 100, but with some unusual convergence layers, the moisture (humidity) is gonna get trapped on the ground like a wet wool blanket.
Have been coaching a bunch of baseball with the kids ages from 8 to 16 a couple/three days a week, which is fun but devastatingly hot. One Saturday a couple weeks ago we started at 8am and we had different games and practice until 5p. I watch these laborers out there all day in this shit and it makes me sad that I am so weak and lazy. Or maybe not. I was buying my coffee beans at my local shop and the total was NT$840. I put an NT$1000 bill and NT$50 coin in the tray and the dude gives me my change and says I do math like a Taiwanese. Intrigued, ask him why he says that and he explained that I gave him money to reduce the amount of coins I received in return, which is a local trait apparently. First, having my math skills compared to a Chinese person by a Chinese person is probably the highest praise a white boy from the valley could ever get here. Secondly, I wanted to tell him that minimizing change is more efficient and that as a lazy human, I have built a career out of maximizing efficiency in order to be as lazy as possible. Working in Logistics for many years crystalized in my mind that is inherent in most people...move shit as efficiently and cheaply as possible. When you do that with your own ass, you get plenty of time to focus on the things you prefer to do rather than work. Or as the brilliant Van and Earl pointed out in the timeless philosophical epic film Tremors...
Earl: "Catch you later Chang, we got a schedule to keep."
Val: "Oh yeah...see, we plan ahead. That way we don't do anything right now. Earl explained it to me."
I really enjoyed that movie Palm Springs...in the Groundhog Day genre and while not as great as that film of course, lots of fun. I like to have a show that is mindless to watch before bed to make me tired, and the one I have landed on recently is House. Never saw an episode when it was on 15 years ago and probably avoided it cause it is a medical procedural and those give me the creeps. I don't really enjoy it now, but have become invested in the characters and will likely waste my time with it to the end. When it was on back in the day, a couple of people that did watch it said I was just like the main character House. Seeing it for the first time now, I get it...he walks with a cane and is a grumpy asshole to all the people that care for him. Guilty? He even wears rock and roll t-shirts under an untucked button down shirt, which is a style I thought I invented.
Lastly for today, one more article from the local paper...this one of a person sleeping at the 7-11 that appears to have no head. This apparent headless customer photo is an optical illusion cause if you look close, her head is actually tucked under the table.
You may want to skip/skim over this weeks installment. It is a deep dive into Australian Rules football and am 99% sure it ain't your thing. Then again, to paraphrase the immortal Spice Girls, 'If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with Aussie Rules.'
Whenever I refer to my favorite band, I don't just say their name but refer to them as "My beloved Yo La Tengo." You can only have one beloved of a particular thing and got me thinking of other things that are beloved to me. I even started a Google sheets list and will share that another time. On it so far are some sports teams, but only one sport itself got this designation. From the outside looking in, you'd think that would be baseball as I spend an inordinate amount of time interacting with it, but my beloved sport, the one that gives me the most joy in thinking about, is Australian Rules Football.
More commonly referred to as Footy or Aussie Rules, I think it is perfect as it high scoring, physical in a way that harkens back to simpler times and has a culture that is equal parts progressive and old school. In this current Covid affected season, it is the only sport (worth watching) that is in action and watching how they are handling the shifting realities of playing during a pandemic is fascinating and informative as to how MLB/NFL/etc. will operate this year. Spoiler, the things that Aussie Rules are doing are hard and in a society where you can shut state borders while having under 200 cases a day. Let's say that optimism that baseball/football will be back this year is low.
I came to Aussie Rules in 1981, first seeing it on ESPN as they didn't have any of the big time sports they have now and were forced to show Aussie Rules and lumberjack stuff to fill the time. I would look at it but fell in love during a year abroad in Australia in 1983. 1982 is when Australia broke in the States. The winged keel America's Cup victory and Men At Work were dominating the airwaves, so heading there then was fortuitous. I saw Midnight Oil and INXS before anyone had heard of them in California. And being sent to Melbourne, that town was all about Aussie Rules Football. At that time, it was called the Victorian Football League cause for its entire 100 year history, it was only played at the highest professional level in that state. There were 12 teams then and '82 was the year that the South Melbourne Swans relocated to Sydney in an effort to grow the game nationally. Now, there are 18 teams playing all across the country.
Since all my new family and friends were into footy, I had to pick a side. As a Raider fan, looked for the team that matched their take no prisoners/everyone despises us ethos and the clear side that fit that description were the Essendon Bombers. I followed them all year, went to a couple of games and they made it to the Grand Final that season only to get smashed by Hawthorne. Nonetheless, it was a great run and gave me a reason to puff out my chest. Back home with no internet, it took years before I could follow the sport again. As an example, at school in DC in '84, I had to go to the Australian Embassy and rummage through their library just to read about who won the Grand Final the next year (Essendon revenging their loss the previous year beating the dreaded Hawks). My love was rekindled moving to Taiwan where they would show some games on our cable, then visiting Australia a few years ago and going to a game with the family, and finally the purchase of their amazing on-line package that shows all the games and talking head shows. It takes over the TV as last Sunday, I woke up early and watched replays of the previous nights two games, then three games live all day, and then live postgame footy shows till about 10p.
Some of the little and big things that help in my contention that this is the best sport...
- There is a AFLW women's league that is quite entertaining and growing in popularity.
- There are several female on field officials including a head on-field umpire.
- Unique to Aussie Rules is the Father/Son rule where the clubs that have had players whose sons are eligible for the draft get right of refusal.
- With the AFLW, they are implementing Mother-Father/Daughter-Son rule
- This sport started in 1875, which less than 100 years after the first penal colony. They started it as a way for cricketers to stay in shape during the winter and is why the field is oval.
- Teams have no owners, but are all clubs that rely on members dues to operate and have appointed board members accountable to the fans. Some douchy CEO's, but no Dan Snyders.
- There are rules against flopping and harsh penalties, like game suspensions, if found guilty of overacting.
- You cannot 'root' for a team there as that word means to fornicate. The proper word to use is to 'barrack', a term which has multiple and disputed. You can instantly get an Aussie riled up by saying you 'root' for something.
- They track the amount of ground covered during a game and the high enders are going 13-15 kilometers (9ish miles), which is equal to soccer, except these guys are smashing each other (sans any padding) while the soccer guys roll around like they're shot.
- There are 9 games a week and at least two of them end up being back and forth, up and down, ebb and flow affairs that keep you glued. High scoring too with most being in the 80's and some well over 100 points. There are time stoppages for out of bounds and after goals, but no timeouts and the telecasts go the whole quarter without commercial breaks. Newcomers will watch and say that it is just total chaos, and there are moments where it seems that way in the good sense, but like most sports, the strategy and nuance is exquisite once you are familiar.
- It was a brutally violent game that they have cleaned up with regards to concussions and cheap shots, but they have not legislated out all the physicality. A popular move when going up for a mark is to try and punch it away from the other player, which is legal. As you try to punch it, some will use their forearm and crack the opponent on the side of the head in the course of action, and that maneuver is euphemistically called an 'ear massage'. The name of my fantasy team is The Ear Masseur by the way. During one talking head yuk fest I watched a couple years ago, one guy showed a clip of the other head absolutely destroying a player on the field with a head shot. The host asked if he was suspended for the brutal hit and he said, "no, cause they couldn't find is head." They all then laughed in a way that could only be described as uproarious.
- Indigenous/aboriginal players are a big part of the game and their history in it is mixed with regards to racist incidents. There are indigenous players to this day that get shit from some fans, but the league and pundit class are evolving and it is educational to see how other cultures deal with issues similar to mine. What they don't do is shuffle it under the rug or call the proponents for equality 'bastard' for doing so. In support of the BLM across the world, when they started the season this year before the coin toss, the players and umpires would gather in a big circle at midfield and kneel in support of equality. All of them.
- I am not gonna spend time describing the rules of the sport as there are several good YouTube videos that do a good job of that and are easy to find, but if I were to recommend a classic game, it would be the 1989 Final between the Geelong Cats and Hawthorne Hawks. Classic finish and as brutal a spectacle as you can witness. They even made a documentary about it.
They went after punk ass Hawk Dermot Brereton at the opening bounce like the Japan team went after Moonpie in Rollerball, breaking his rib, and that fucker still played a great game till the final siren. And you're gonna love legendary goon and spectacularly named Berto DiPierdomenico puncturing a lung just before halftime and also playing till the end, then being rushed to hospital before they received the trophy.
- Mullets? They got 'em. Aussies adopted the mullets in the 80's with vigor and will not let them go. When I am preaching the good word to potential converts, I will mention to the ladies that the dudes are fit but not freaks, and that they all wear short shorts.
- Every team has a song and all are throwback in sound and lyric to the 1930's. When a team wins, no matter if they are home or away, the song blares over the PA system. The winning team will gather before going to the locker room and sign a miniature football that they will pass into the crowd. Once inside the locker room, they circle up and sing their song arm in arm in triumph. Below I have shared YouTube audio of each.
Anyhoo... I could go on about the sport but it is getting long and about to get longer. I did my rank of NFL teams a couple years ago and thought that it is time for the definitive AFL rankings. .
1. Essendon Bombers No surprise who is at #1. I am a loyal guy and this is my first love. Essendon is one of the original clubs and holds the record for most Premierships. The 21st century has not been kind to them with few playoff appearances and a devastating steroid scandal in 2013. Everyone still finds them the most unpleasant side and that is fine by me. NFL equivalent: Oakland/LA/Oakland/Las Vegas Raiders
2. Collingwood Magpies If I were to start my fandom today, it would be for the Magpies. Another original team and with 150 years of games with Essendon, I should hate them. Their last two decades have been better than my Bombers on the field, but their off field woes are more heinous including institutional racism, betting on their own team, and a host of domestic abuses. The reason I would choose them is that Collingwood sounds very hoi polloi even though Collingwood is traditionally a blue-collar neighborhood/team, the black/white color scheme goes with anything, and their mascot is a Magpie, which is unique in the world and is the most intelligent bird with a nasty streak. That nickname is often shortened to the 'Pies', which are delicious and is fun to say. NFL Equivalent: Dallas Cowboys
3. Brisbane Lions - When I was there, this team was in Melbourne and was called the Footscray Lions who then merged with the Brisbane Bears in 1997. I had no affinity for Footscray and this team should not be this high on my list, but when we visited in 2016, we went to a game in their home park where the Lions lost to the mighty Bombers. We all had such a great time that night. Their field is lovingly referred to as The Gabba after the neighborhood it is in (Wooloongabba). The Lions were young at the time and have evolved into a top side. We sat behind a family of Essendon supporters that were up from Melbourne to see their nephew Harris Andrews first game for the Lions. Harris has turned into arguably the best defenseman in the sport and I feel we have a connection. It was a great game on a perfectly warm evening, the family all enjoyed the sacred ritual of having a meat pie during the match, and it ended with a Bombers win. But that wasn't all...at halftime, I bought a football to bring home so I could fondle it while watching the games. After the game ended, they announced that all fans were invited to go onto the field to kick around the footy. Oh what fun. Hundreds of people kicking it around and shooting goals. So many of them (and us) getting nailed in the head with errant kicks. So dangerous and cannot imagine that ever taking place in the States. I would bet that this practise will get canceled after someone gets hurt, but still such a quaint display of simpler times. Getting hit in the head with a ball is called a "falcon". Why a falcon? There is an old video of a rugby player getting hit in the head with a ball and even though he is a hall of famer, he is only remembered for that famous clip. That player was from Malta and his nickname was the Maltese Falcon, so getting hit in the mush became a falcon. NFL Equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
4. Fremantle Dockers. Fremantle is a suburb of Perth, a city I have never been but have this weird attraction to. I want to visit that place so bad and have said I could retire there for no discernable reason sight unseen. It is the most isolated major city on the planet, so maybe that is the attraction? Anyway, they are a team that was founded in 1995 and has never won a flag, but they became my defacto second team after my love of the sport was rekindled. NFL equivalent: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
5. St Kilda Saints. This is the team that are the ultimate loveable losers. They've been around for 147 years and have won the premiership one time. They are rarely good and when they are, lose in devastating fashion. I have looked it up before, but there does not appear to be a saint named Kilda, only a desolate island off the coast of Scotland known for a type of mouse. I will always cheer for the underdog and these guys are the definition. NFL equivalent: New York Jets
6. Gold Coast Suns. The other team in Queensland and another lost cause, only this one is a mere 11 years young. In a state that doesn't adore footy, and in the second city of that region that is home to tourists and retired folks, they have not been able to build membership to kick them into high gear. They had a young star a few years ago and seemed to be on the rise, but he had a catastrophic injury and was then traded for money (and became a legend: see Geelong/Little Master below). This year, they had the new superstar who was destroying the league in his first 4 games, and he went down with the same injury as the previous star. Snakebit much? They still have a young side and may make it, but talk of contraction/relocation is never off the table. NFL equivalent: Miami Dolphins
7. North Melbourne Kangaroos. Ah the Roos. Old Victorian side with a few moments of grandeur, but mostly second level. Always short of cash, they were almost contracted after 100 years in the league but were saved in a heroic fan effort. In my year there in '83, they were the top side during the season and had these two aboriginal brothers named Tim and Phil Krakour (pronounced cracker) that were mesmerizing and were like a duo of magicians with the ball on the field, They fluctuate between this dark blue and sky blue color over time, and their sky blue unis with white vertical stripes are the best looking ones in the game ever. NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers
8. Great Western Sydney Giants. Entering the league in 2009, they don't have a ton of history. Orange and black are typically cool looking uniforms but they screw it up by emphasizing the orange over the black. A strong team with a bunch of stars in this era, they have one in particular that is easily the most hated player in the league. Toby Greene plays hard and is a legendary cheap shot artist, and has a face that you wanna slap so hard. Tons of fun to watch. NFL equivalent: Cincinnati Bengals
9. Port Adelaide Power. First of two teams from Adelaide, South Australia. The club has been around since 1876 but entered the AFL in 1997. Always good but rarely great, am a fan of their color scheme of black/white/teal, and their unofficial theme song that they play before the game is INXS' Never Tear Us Apart. Watching the huge crowd sing it in unison gives me the chills. They may have ranked higher but their team name of 'Power' is a pet peeve of mine in that all team nicknames should end with an S. NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers
10. Carlton Blues. 10 and 11 could have been flip flopped for me. Along with Essendon, they hold the record for most premierships. Perennial class of the competition, have had a rough run this decade. The family I stayed with in '83 were diehard Blues fans and they were not amused with my Bomber fandom. Find myself cheering for them as I loved that family. NFL equivalent: Pittsburgh Steelers
11. Geelong Cats. My best friend in '83, Damien Lester, was a huge Cats fans. They sucked then, and for most of their history, but have been class in the 21st century. By class, I mean successful on the field only, cause I think they are the chippiest bunch of whiners and floppers in the competition. The announcers talk about 350 gamer Gary Ablett Jr. with such reverence to make you wanna puke. They call him the Little Master in the same annoying phrasing that reminds me of how I hated Don (Donny Baseball) Mattingly. I think commentators fawn over Junior cause he is just like them...short, bald and old. Junior's dad, Gary Ablett Sr, was also a Geelong legend and another piece of work the pundits still steam their goggles over. Senior was a legendary bible thumper that was also sent to tribunal a dozen times for thumping on the skulls of opponents. And then there is this...
In 2000, Ablett was investigated, charged and convicted of four drug offences as a result of nineteen-year-old Geelong woman Alicia Horan dying of a drug overdose (involving heroin, ecstasy and amphetamines) while in Ablett's hotel room. After a prolonged period of refusing to answer police questions – with Ablett stating he had "received pressure from certain avenues not to give all the facts" – he admitted to providing Horan with heroin and other drugs, which he took with her. Ablett pleaded guilty to all four charges, was convicted, and fined $1500
Such harsh punishment in Australia...$1500 Australian dollary-doos is about 50 American. That buddy of mine was such a great guy and friend, I will always have a soft spot for the Cats...but jeez..fuck the Cats NFL equivalent: New York Giants.
12. West Coast Eagles. The other Perth team and the bigger brother of Fremantle having been founded in 1986.. When I retire there, I will go to all of their games as they typically alternate weekly with Fremantle, but will barrack for the other side more often than not. Well run organization with 4 premierships under their belt, they also have a streak of being a bit schitzo in the field, clubhouse and stands. NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks (I know...)
13. Melbourne Demons. This is the dividing line team between those that I like/love, and those that I cannot stand. I have virtually no opinion of this side. They are never great, rarely good and usually totally forgettable. The only thing they are known for is a tanking scandal in 2012. I have no idea why anyone would spend time barracking for them except for parental abuse/neglect. NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons
14. Sydney Swans. The other team I really have little feeling for good or bad. They play well when they have good players, and struggle when they don't. I have zero animus towards them or their fans, who seem like genuinely nice people. NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers
15. Richmond Tigers. This is a tough one to rate so low as they are a storied, original franchise with bitchin' colors and classic uniform design. That they get 15th on the ladder is totally due to recency bias as they've won two of the last three titles and are the dominant side in every game. NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs.
16. Adelaide Crows. Adelaide is that team that is always good, occasionally great, and have been since inception. This year they totally blow and is their worst team ever. That is due to a combination of players getting old, managements decision to let the wrong players go, and a culture that became so toxic that it caused an exodus of anyone that had a good soul. They lost the final a couple years ago but had a young and ferocious side. Management felt a little more was needed so organized an offseason boot camp where they hired some military jackass' company to break down the players by humiliating them and using life challenges incorporating personal psychiatric details the club knew in private to degrade them during activities designed to cause duress. Unsurprisingly, some of those personal details used racial and homophobic stereotypes. Shit is hitting the fan in buckets in Adelaide and no one seems to care. NFL equivalent: Washington DC's racist football team
17. Western Bulldogs. Everyone should like this team more cause they have been lovable losers that won their first title in 50 years in 2017, but their uniforms make me want to hurl. You'd think it hard to mess up red, white and blue, yet here we are. NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills
18. Hawthorne Hawks. Maybe you can tell that I don't have a ton of hatred for any of the clubs so far. That ends here. Essendon's historical mortal enemy, they were, are and always will be detestable. Their current coach is the Bill Belichek of the AFL. Supreme tactician and total ass. They will win games they have no business even coming close in. When they are good, their supporters will volunteer to tell you why, and when they lose it is a conspiracy. And who uses brown and gold as a color scheme (other than the San Diego Padres from the 70's)? They look like what is inside a well used gas station toilet. NFL equivalent: New England Patriots.
Well there you have it. As they say...Watch the Bombers fly up. Up! To win the Premiership Flag.
Not much goin' on new in these parts. The girls work all day and I have baseball a couple/three times a week. Love doing that but dread it at the same time cause it is so hot. Last Saturday, was out in the heat for games/practice from 8a to 5:30p and it was equally joyous and heat stroke inducing. Took three days to feel somewhat normal.
A friend of mine in Florida posted about it being "hot as balls" and she did a search for exactly what temperature that was.
About 97 degrees Fahrenheit. Unlike, say, "hot as hell" or "scorching hot," this expression is actually fairly precise, since the temperature of one's balls is carefully regulated by the scrotum to maintain a high sperm count.
I love that one's ball temperature is 'carefully regulated'. Hot as balls is not a term I have ever used and would give anything for it to be 97 degrees. We hit 110 at some point every day, so what is that? The only positive I have is that we're in July now so that means I have survived a month of this weather rash free. Am not dancing a jig cause we still have July, August and September to suffer, but will take the win.
I dream like most people and would consider mine fairly ordinary, but from time to time there will be one that is bizarre to the point of concern. I had one that popped in my subconscious two nights in a row last week that I need to articulate in hopes of getting it out of my head. Details are hard to remember, but the theme was watching a Scottish game called 'Bad Egg Roll'. In this game, only for men, the competitors get expired eggs and have to push them to the finish line using their dicks that protrude from their kilts. That's pretty much it. I will go to sleep watching nature shows and they will become part of my dreams, but I know this was not shown on Nat Geo.
Since we're stuck here, I have been paying closer attention to local news and this week found a gem of a story about the birth in Hsinchu city of their 450,000th resident. It doesn't say why 450k is so auspicious, but that they are going to gift the family that has the baby a new car and to feed the little boy or girl free meatballs until their 45th birthday. I love a good meatball and Hsinchu is supposed to be famous for them and while I don't expect much, have put a visit there on the top of my Taiwan things to do list.
Not sure what happened to this site but cannot get certain videos to link. A friend shared a YouTube video of a CNN story on Taiwan and covid that I cannot upload but will link it here. You really got to check this out as it is amazing on so many levels. The interview is with Audrey Tang who is Taiwan's Digital Minister. Audrey happens to be the country's first transgender cabinet minister. The interview outlines all the stuff the country did to crush the virus and the CNN reporter does not hide how amazed she is by what she is hearing. A very well crafted interview and supremely knowledgeable interviewee. You must stick around to the very end to see how Audrey says goodbye.
One of the themes in it is how Taiwan erected a digital fence to protect it from the virus. While this is obviously super effective here, no way could the States pull it off with all the fears about erosion of privacy and people's "rights". Seriously, we all (and by we all I mean every foreigner here) watch the shit show America is putting on with regards to wearing fucking masks and shake our heads in wonder at how effin' stupid people can be, starting from the top. An example of what a surveillance state can do was on display last week when police discovered a dismembered body floating in a river near Kaohsiung. Within 40 hours using surveillance cameras that are everywhere, they cracked the case and arrested they guy that did it. They had him so nailed that he confessed immediately. Pretty amazing story. Understand that this is George Orwell 1984 level shit and that use of it could turn nefarious easily, but just wanted to toss it out for your consideration,
Have a couple more things but am gonna end it here as I am experimenting with the Pomodoro Technique. Read about it somewhere recently and the theory is you are most productive in 25 minute bursts. Do 25 and then take a 5 minute break, At the very least, it sounds delicious,
Quick follow up to last weeks local news item about Taiwan rescinding the law that made adultery illegal, gonorrhea cases on the island have hit a 5-year high. While that article does not equate the two and the reporting are from the 6 month period before the adultery rule was abolished, you gotta think there is some correlation. Or maybe it has to do with the virus keeping people indoors the first half of the year. Anyway, in response to this outbreak, the Central News Agency says that, "Individuals are urged to engage in safe sex and use the country's STD-friendly clinics for early diagnosis and intervention." STD friendly clinics must have a cute mascot.
In a likely related news story is this one about a teen girl that jumped on the hood of her dad's mistress' car and got taken for a ride. The mom/wife was also there and rammed her car with her own. A scuffle ensued and was still ongoing when the cops arrived. In that article is a snippet of video of the girl clinging to the windshield and the adulterer speeds down the road. All parties are pressing charges against one another. Since you can't bust the cheaters legally anymore, suspect/hope to see more of these articles.
Another enlightening article from the Taiwan News site to share is this one about a big drug bust of a favorite of the young folks here called Meow Meow. The bust itself was 3 tons of an ingredient in the Meow Meow called Mephedrone, which mixed with other stuff and put into coffee sachets gives a feeling of ecstasy and is hard to detect in urine samples. Upon further research, Mepherone based drugs are also called bath salts, which is a cool name too, but Meow Meow is better. I am not a fan of the speed aspect of this drug, but the ecstasy part has an appeal. The local kids like their speed to do more homework and ride their scooters like Evel Knievel.
One more headline ripped from Taiwan News but out of India...Alcoholic monkey gets life sentence in India after attacking 250 pedestrians. The six year old monkey named Kalua was "formerly owned by an 'occultist' who routinely supplied him liquor to drink, which turned him into an alcoholic." When the owner died, his liquor supply dried up and he started attacking people with, "many of his victims, particularly women and girls, had to have plastic surgery to repair the bite wounds caused by the simian.". He was sent to the zoo where zookeepers tried to change Kalua's behavior by putting him on a vegetarian diet, to no avail. I coulda told you that curing an alcoholic by putting him on a vegetarian diet was not gonna work.
I injured myself this week in truly classic old man fashion. Last weekend we had people over for dinner and needed to put the extra leaf in the dining room table. Was putting the house back in order on Sunday and enlisted Babydoll's help in taking the leaf out. Pushing the table back together was not working cause the mechanism must be rusty from all the humidity, so it was gonna need a strong push. I tell B-doll to brace herself and I'm gonna push hard as I can on three. Grab the table with my arms like I'm carrying a laundry basket and push as hard as I can, and pull something in my left arm something fierce that I screamed and fell to the floor in pain. Felt like I was stabbed and that I broke a bone. Didn't go to the doctor and after some time self diagnosed as pulling the muscles that connect the bicep and forearm at the elbow. Arm was in exquisite pain for three days but is now to the point where I can hold stuff in that arm and reach around to properly clean my butt crack. I should be thankful that I didn't wrench my back I suppose, but yet another example of how getting old sucks.
Since last time and after the haircut, have seen a mess of people. Unanimously, I was told that it looks so much better but I could tell in the eyes of some of the women that they were sad to see it go. Babydoll had not been a fan of it for years as it caused her embarrassment, but when she saw me for the first time said something that sounded like a real compliment but have been wondering how much of one since. She said, "you have a nice hair line...for a man your age."
Was hoping the haircut would make things better with the heat, and I guess it did, but it is hard to tell for sure as temps here are consistently awful. The lowest 'high' temperature of any day so far in June has been 108, and most days it is getting to be 110. Every day without exception. I cannot impress upon you enough just how much it messes with your synapsis. Yesterday was the second hottest June day ever since they started recording them in 1896...am not making this up. Anyway, here is a screenshot from yesterday. Fuck me.
Have sorta kept it together by thinking that we may be able to escape late July/early August to somewhere cold...specifically potential travel bubble partner New Zealand. I loved that place when we went a couple years ago, perhaps even more than my beloved Australia. Since they and TW have eradicated the bug, there had been talk, mostly by me, of us two having a free exchange of people without quarantine. In my brain, makes total sense for all of the reasons. We were at a b-day party last weekend that had some folks from there and I was all juiced to talk about it, and they said that it would never happen cause the mainlanders would get pissed and the NZ government would never do something to jeopardize them selling their agricultural products to them. Gawdamnit.
Finally for today, it is Dragon Boat festival tomorrow. Don't think I'll have any stories from it next time as I have zero plans to do any Dragon Boat activities, but I really didn't know anything about it as we have always been gone this time of year so have never researched its significance. It did not disappoint.
Also called Double Fifth, it is celebrated on the fifth day of the fifth month of the (pagan) Lunar calendar, The origin of the holiday is from a 2000 year old story...
The festival’s origins date back to southern China more than 2,000 years ago and come from the tale of the death of celebrated poet and minister Qu Yuan (屈原). Exiled from the state of Chu for supposed treason, Qu committed suicide by drowning himself in the Miluo River. Locals rushed out in boats to try and save him, dropping sticky rice into the water to keep the fish from eating his body – hence the modern-day traditions of eating zongzi and racing Dragon Boats.
Since some poet jumped into the river 2000 ears ago, we have dragon boat races and they eat that sticky rice (zongzi) thing this time of year. Another fun thing to do on this day is to balance an egg on its end at noon, thereby ensuring good luck for the next year. I'm gonna try it.
As regular visitors to this page know, Taiwan has licked the virus and this week saw the country take off restrictions on crowd sizes, which meant that baseball stadiums can be filled to the brim. Not that they ever are, but still. There is a couple we are friendly with that are moving back to the States on Friday and they are big baseball fans and wanted to catch one more game in person this year as they are rightfully skeptical of seeing any MLB in 2020, so we agreed to catch a Wednesday night tilt between the Brother Elephants at the Fubon Guardians.
These games are a ton of fun but the stadium across the street from our apartment is being renovated this season, so we Ubered to Xinshuang (about 40 minutes away). Was kinda dreading it cause it is so hot and motivating to go out is an issue, but had to do it for our departing friends and am glad we did.
It looks like a pleasant evening in this snap, but it was 105 degrees at first pitch.
And only "cooled" off to 96 at the end of the game.
The fan experience in Taiwan is pretty good. While the stadium can be filled up and you don't need PPE's in the seats, you do need to wear your masks in the concourse area. To have fun with the restrictions, instead of the Kiss Cam, they had the Wash Cam. They pan around the stadium with the running water and people wash their hands in it. We got put up on the big screen and I started with the hands, then moved to my armpits. As I stood up to then simulate washing my ass, our other friends came back with their food and got in the way. That woulda been a good one, but alas.
Sidetrack...I was fortunate to see Redd Foxx in Vegas before he passed and he did his classic "You Gotta Wash Your Ass" bit and wanted to insert that YouTube video of his album of that name. Something changed recently with how this blog spot operates and have been having issues finding videos I want, so instead of linking to that album, which you should search out if you have some time, here is 4 minutes of Redd doing filthy 'Confucius Say' jokes. The kids would say, "highly inappropriate"
Games cost about 10-12 bucks for a seat and a feature that is hard to believe is that not only can you bring in your own food, but your own booze too. As much as you can carry from what I can tell. Being a whisky drinker makes the load manageable. The food options at this place were limited, but not awful and I got a personal spicy chorizo pizza that was legit. What was a hoot was the wep napkin they included with my pie to clean off after eating...that is actual size.
The Asian love themselves a goofy mascot and the Guardians were no exception. The addition of PPE is a nice touch.
By far the most endearing/obnoxious difference between a baseball game in the States and here are the songs. Every player has their own song and the chear squad beats a drum (sometimes accompanied by horns) and sings whoever is up at bats song during the entire at bat. And it is amplified throughout the stadium...loud. So it is some variation of hitto hitto go-go-go full blast all night. It's cute for an inning maybe, but gets really old. What is endearing is that many of the fans, mostly the ladies, will dance to the songs. Each track has an accompanying individual dance routine and the fans know them all, so they will do all the moves for each player all night long. It's also cool that the crowd is easily 40-50% women and they give it all in their dance moves. We had three girls behind us, that we estimated to be between 17 and 35 years old, just digging in all night.
Oh yeah...they have regular old cheerleaders too, which is a very nice touch.
It was a 15-1 drubbing of the home Guardians by the Brother Elephants, but the home faithful danced and cheered all night and couldn't have cared less. Good times.
Addios to those two in the middle.
The other piece of personal news is that there has been a hair update. It has been pretty unanimous that folks have not been fans of the long hair experiment but I said that when Betty says it is time to go, that's when it is time to go. She gave the nod this week. Have been (literally) itching to give up on it cause it wasn't progressing in a way that I thought was cool. Was gonna let it ride this summer to annoy all my friends and family, but since we are stuck in this soul sucking heat, went to have it shaved this morning. For posterity, took a series of selfies today showing just how horrific it was.
Just out of bed.
I call my mom every morning around 6AM and while I'm chatting on Skype with her, brush it to get the knots out. She thinks it's awful, but since she is in lockdown, it gives us a couple minutes of something to talk about.
Then in tied up ponytail mode.
I had not been to the lady that has cut my hair since we arrived in town for just short of two years. She speaks less English than I do Mandarin, and when I took off my hat and undid the hair tie, she said in perfect Keanu Reeves, "woah". There was a woman in the chair next to me getting her hair permed to be curly and the look on her face was disgust. It took the stylist about 10 minutes to shave it and here is the hair pile. Doesn't look as big in the photo as it did in person.
I am not pretty, but it looks pretty good. When it was finished, the lady in the chair next to me turned and gave a big thumbs up.
Finally for today, my new favorite non-sequitur conversation starter is...I think that Kim Yo-Jong is pretty hot, but I've always had a thing for ruthless dictatorial women that could have me killed on a whim.
Babydoll has a fairly healthy sense of humor. She has to be resilient cause I am pretty consistent in making fun of everything all the time, including her, so has adapted a thick skin and her own bag of things she finds funny. What she is not (yet) is inherently funny, but she is working on it. She has been asking me recently if I want to hear a 'funny story' and inevitably, they are not funny and sometimes barely stories. To be fair, sometimes they have funny elements to them and that she is trying to develop her story telling, but the point I make to her is that if you come in announcing something is funny, you are setting it up to fail. Have given a couple of suggestions to lead with 'amusing anecdote' or 'something I found interesting' so you can undersell the funny and surprise them with it. Much better strategy.
That said, I found a funny local story to share. In the southern city of Kaohsiung, there was a major recall election last week that had the KMT mayor being ousted with a vote of 24,000 for and 940,000 against. That is some dictator-like vote count, but the KMT is on the ropes these days as they are seen as the pro-mainland party and this guy made some promises during his election run in 2018 that he immediately broke. I may be missing some crucial detail cause if his offense was breaking promises during an election, as an American voter, that would usually mean he gets reelected in a landslide. One of the mayor's chief lieutenants committed suicide 2 hours after the vote by jumping off a building. The conspiracy theorists were out immediately saying he was pushed, so those types certainly aren't limited to the States.
That wasn't the funny part. During the run-up to the vote, a member of the political party called "Can't Stop This Party" made a bet on the election. A couple of words about the Can't Stop This Party party...they were founded late in 2019 by a bunch of YouTubers and officially became the 365th political party in the country and the 15th with a legislative member in parliament. Is there any wonder that I miss some of the nuance to the local politics? I suspect they are liberal but have not researched their platform other than their mission being "to bring joy and laughter to Taiwanese politics." I'm listening...
Anyhoo, this party member predicted that the vote tally wouldn't go over 400,000 total, which was the minimum number of votes needed for the mayor to be recalled and if he lost, he said he would break a pair of chopsticks with his ass for every 10,000 votes over 400K. Remind me not to take this guy, whose YouTube name is Froggy, along to the track as there was over 530,000 more votes cast than he predicted so in losing his bet, he had to break 53 pair of chopsticks with his ass. And he did. That article is well written in the style of presenting bizarre facts in a solemn way and is worth a minute of your time, but if you don't want to read, here is the video.
Your heart goes out to the poor woman that is tasked with doing the count of the broken chopsticks and she would be a main character on the Taiwanese version of Mad Men. Before watching it, couldn't envision how one cracks them but seeing it done makes a lot of sense. Use your bikini underpants to hold in place and break them horizontally. The best part is when Froggy goes for three pair at a time and the lady bends over about a foot away to watch. I mentioned that the virus has been eradicated and social distancing guidelines have been relaxed, yes? Froggy has pretty firm buns, which has to be a requirement in this effort. Am not gonna try it at home cause I want to leave the image of my flabby ass attempting it up to the imagination. I will also call out all of the participants footwear...my mom was ahead of her time in making everyone take of their shoes before coming into her house (neat freak with white carpet), but it is absolutely mandatory by tradition here and everyone has a pair of cheap slides that they wear in the office or wherever.
One more local news story for today. I didn't know it, but adultery in Taiwan is illegal. Was illegal until last week that is as the supreme court struck down the law deeming it as criminal. Did a little research and the penalty for getting caught in the act was up to a year in prison for both the adulterer and their partner. For foreigners caught with locals, deportation was added after they finished their jail time. A large private investigation industry has grown up to catch cheating spouses and it is just another job description that is going away, like pony express rider or corrupt policeman. The country averaged 500 convictions a year for this offense but few actually went to jail as you could pay NT$900 (about US$30) per day of your sentence to stay out of the hoosegow. Apparently, Taiwan was the last country in the "developed" world that still had this law on the books. Gay marriage and now this? Good on ya Taiwan. Now let's legalize the weed, eh? In the news today came a report that users of Ashley Madison (a site where married people can meet for hookups) have risen 70% in Taiwan in the two weeks since the law was rescinded.
Said I was gonna try to find some funny this week and well, 2020 offered up even more hilarity.
My go to podcasts have almost all become maudlin. The sports ones have tried to put up a brave face during the virus and without any action to discuss for months now, theyalmost all have descended into sad commentaries on this weeks protesting. While the sentiments are important, they're hard to take in an endless stream. Found a new one recently that provides a decent diversion...it is called The Dollop. Two comedians, sometimes adding a guest into the mix, take a person or event from history and tell the tale while doing improvisational riffs on the topic. The subject matter is usually about obscure events or fringe characters involved in major ones, but if you like to learn some history and to have your lesson be weird and funny, give it a shot. Have listened to about a dozen of them and have learned and laughed each time. A good intro is a two parter on Ronald Reagan with Patton Oswalt as the guest...you can find the Dollop here.
I saw a Saturday Night Live sketch years ago that busted me up but never saw again on YouTube or in reruns, like Stefan, Sprockets or Matt Foley ( the guy that lives in a van down by the river). I have quoted it forever and have never found another person that remembered it at all. In the Ringer this week, a writer did a deep dive oral history on that sketch and it was affirmation that not only was it in the top 5 all time sketches, but there are weirdos out there just like me. From a 90's episode with Lucy Lawless as the host, it is called Stevie Nicks Fajita Roundup and the premise is that Ms Nicks lives in Sedona, Arizona and runs a Mexican restaurant. Brilliant, stupid and brilliantly stupid. I implore you to read the article and watch the link. You will never eat Mexican food the same way again. And there you go again, you want burritos...
One more to share...not necessarily funny but still. I have listened to some episodes of a podcast called Eat Your Words where the host has on a guest to talk about different cuisines. Not recipes, but more of the culture surrounding different places food. Quite a good time waster for foodie types. Forget how I came to it but the first one I listened to was about Taiwanese cuisine. Am not a fan of what they eat here and hoped to get some nuggets that would help me appreciate it more cause I want to like it. While that didn't happen, I did learn an interesting fact about their most prized local dish, the one that they have competitions to determine the best version, and that is beef noodle soup. This soup came about in Taiwan during the 50's when the US was its main benefactor and kept the place alive by sending foodstuffs. The soup is made from all American products, from the soy in the sauce, to the wheat in the noodles, and even the beef which gives it its name. Since the US wasn't sending its prime cuts, that is why they use the tendons in the soup and have come to adore the chewy ligaments. The only local thing in the soup is the water. This is some great ammunition when I get into my regular "discussions" over the merits of the food choices here. This is a link to that episode.
As for Taiwan this week...effin' hot. We hit at least 106 degrees every day and will do so constantly until at least September. That is 4 months of literal hell that we cannot escape. I developed a bad case of crotch rot last August and have vowed to not let that happen again. My current plan of attack is to powder the nether region obsessively and it has been working so far (fingers crossed). Going through a large container weekly. Corn dogs anyone? Read that Johnson & Johnson has stopped selling baby powder in the States causes women were getting ovarian cancer after prolonged application in their hoochie-coos. We can still buy it here but wonder if I should start hoarding it and/or start looking into alternatives. I recieve spam emails a couple times a week asking me to join the class-action lawsuit against them.
The heat is the suffering we are gonna have to endure to live in a place that has eradicated the virus. Today marks the 56th day in a row with no local infections, which is four complete incubation cycles. They are removing mask wearing and crowd gathering restrictions across the country, so we can go to crowded shows and baseball games, not that I have any desire to do so cause it is so effin' hot. Think they call that a conundrum. This place wiped it out by means that would be impossible for the States to adopt. There was a Business Insider article this week that takes on the Taiwanese measures to combat the virus and it was critical of them as being part of an ever growing surveillance state. I thought the piece was very thought provoking and if that is the kind of provocation you may enjoy, here 'tis.
Lastly, and very briefly, this weeks shitstorm of murders and more murders has been hard to bare. There are so many takes that any one I have has been said a hundred times. I have been thinking back to when Kaepernick took the knee and having many "exchanges" with certain people that equated that action with disrespect for the military. Total BS then but I tried to change some minds and to do so by explaining it in rationnal and non-confrontational ways. What always bothered me about the kneeling thing then was that none of the white players knelt with those guys. Some linked arms and the like, but they never had the stones to get down on their knees in solidarity. I hope to see that change this time around. It isn't gonna be easy cause ol' Bunker Boy is whipping up the pearl clutching machine about it already. Some of the same people I tried to reason with in the past about it are whipping out their megaphone equating protest to looting so know that minds are hard to impossible to change. I do not expect to be rational nor non-confrontational this go around with them and suspect my dwindling list of aquiantences will acclerate.
