This is year six for us and much like the Dragon Boat Festival in the Spring, the Chinese calendar is lining up later this year and another holiday landed on our time here...Chinese Valentine's Day. You can read about it there but it is about start crossed lovers willing to give up everything for each other, dad's taking care of the kids, magical oxen. Same old story. Will dig into Taiwan stuff more next week, but need to finish off the travelogue today.
Our time in Seattle this year was short and we were on a rigorous schedule to see as many folks as possible. We did pretty good...was happy we saw you for as much as we did and commit to seeing those we missed next time. We had dinner every night with a different crew and it was delightful to hear about all of the happenings in the last year and how the kiddies are doing. Some success stories, a few harrowing tales and always amazed how much comes out in a few treasured hours together. Was truly lovely to see you all.
Some Seattle impressions
We scheduled our doctor visits early in the visit so we had time for any needed follow-up. The Boy transitioned from pediatrician to big boy doctor. My visit was uneventful...we talked about my future and in wondering what I'll do with my life when we get back to the States, estimated age of 55, I told her that I am thinking about a professional move into the world of Uber. She said that would be a bad idea and said that that my working career is likely done. Not calling a retirement press conference yet, and Betty was enraged at the doctor for suggesting such a thing. I didn't tell the doc that my real plan was to work in retail at one of Seattle's finest legal pot dispensaries. The weirdest thing about the visit though was that I didn't get the prostate probe. Went through all of the usual diagnostics and then she says to put my clothes on. I don't necessarily look forward to the old digit probe, but felt a bit cheated as it's like not getting the happy ending to a massage.
Dentist visits were also boring, complete with the usual admonishment for a spotty flossing regimen. You usually get the hard sell at the dentist about some orthodontia or new fangled expensive toothbrush, but this years recommendation was low tech and made sense. Dry brushing. They say that before you load up the toothbrush with Crest, give your teeth the once over with the brush only as this will loosen up all the gunk and make the final brushing more effective. My bottom front teeth are crowded and gunk gets trapped in there easily. Mumbled through the suction hose that coffee and cigs don't help and the hygienist said condescendingly, "you drink a lot of coffee and smoke?" to which I replied..."not all the time, sometimes I drink wine and eat blueberries." Hygienists have zero sense of humor when it comes to teeth.
Have been slowed with this back thing and get annoyed at myself as going through life like a boat trying to make as little a wake as possible is always on my mind, and can feel people behind me trying to sail past in my slower state. Maybe which is why I was sensitive to others even more deliberate than I and felt like I kept getting behind every old slow poke on the planet this year. Every time that thought occurred, an old dude would get in front of me in torturous fashion culminating in an episode out of a bad TV show. I was slow to get to the door at Starbucks on afternoon in Ballard and the old man that has obviously never been there before gets in front of me. I just wanted a drip, but this guy took at least 5 minutes trying to figure out the cheapest item on the menu. And his ears were going so every sentence the barista said, he would lean in for it to be repeated. The barista also throws out the Starbucks lingo, which he doesn't understand, so telling him a short latte costs $2 turns into a 10 sentence back and forth. And then he starts looking at the pasty case.
Betty and I finally got around to making our will. She got freaked by a the story of a co-worker's untimely demise and made me find an estate planner and get it on the calendar. Obviously, one avoids making a will cause that is an admission that one isn't gonna live forever. We received a recommendation and filled out a questionnaire on line. When the day came to go into discuss, the whole process took less than 30 minutes and say to the guy as we're leaving that it didn't even feel legit. It was not only far less painful than expected, and I wouldn't say it was pleasurable, but it was almost an inert experience. I know that most people have the same apprehension about doing this as I did, but am here to tell you to just go get it over with.
Saw a few Mariner games too. Quick digression...this is my favorite time of year. The weather turns cooler, my color palette is decidedly Autumn, and it is the best time of year for watching sports. This fall is shaping up as potentially one of the best ever. My baseball teams are on a legendary run (Dodgers) or are surprisingly relevant (Mariners, although they are pooping the bed as they do every August and will likely not end their playoff drought, which is the longest in the bigs). The NFL starts next week and am a junkie in listening to all things football. My teams are both pre-season darlings with the Seahawks going for one more run with a successful veteran core, and the Raiders rising from a decade plus of mismanagement to have a super exciting team. Even have bonus football now that I'm all in of Virginia Cavalier football. Although that team is a joke not only in the ACC, but with the entire student body, it is a new experience to have a rooting interest for a team playing on Saturdays. Finally, in the AFL (Australian Football League), the regular season ended last week and my club, the Essendon Bombers, made the playoffs after several years in the wilderness due to a PED scandal that eviscerated the roster. They are likely to be run out in the first round, but having September Footy back in my life fills my heart with joy. Will say it again...Aussie Rules is the greatest sport on Earth.
Anyhoo, Mariners suck (although they won every day we went), their young oft injured pitcher James Paxton was on a fabulous roll (since injured and out for the season naturally) and pitched a superb game one idyllic Seattle afternoon for us. Paxton is from Canada and they call him Big Maple. A fun tradition at Safeco in games pitched by (The King) Felix Hernandez is sitting in his section down the left field line called the King's Court, everyone wearing the same shirt and yelling K-K-K rooting for a strikeout whenever he had two strikes. The crowd took that and created their own Paxton Big Maple section in the bleachers and yell "Eh, Eh, Eh" when he had two strikes on the batter. Aussie Rules is the greatest spectator sport, and I get that baseball can be painfully dull, but tell me a place where you can go sit with your family or friends for three hours without looking at your phones and have a conversation? You can't.
Seattle itself is transforming in ways that are amazing. Might be hard to see just how dynamic the changes are if you're living there, but seeing it for two weeks annually, it is striking. Amazon has rebuilt downtown and taken over the job market. At least half the people we know have worked for or are working for them now. They had a job fair the week we were there looking for 50,000 people. 50K! Hard to process that kind of growth and even harder to see where it'll take the city that already has powerhouse brands like Starbucks, Boeing, Microsoft, Costco and Nordies. Property values are out of control, which does not bode well for our return and we were told more than once that we should buy something now. Must say that it is kinda fun to dream about neighborhoods and such.
What was most surprising about this growth was that the traffic was actually better this year and by a lot. The locals still bitch, but the massive highway infrastructure projects must be getting done cause we zoomed all over the usual choke points with minimal snarls.
With all the growth in on-line biz, there were a few brick and mortar stores that have been usual haunts on our visits that were a bit sad. Target seems to have lost some of their game with many shelves poorly stocked. That was nothing compared to Best Buy with whole racks completely baren. The worst of all were my favorite places of shopping...the used record stores. I could (and have) spent hours thumbing through music and would have to make some hard decisions as I'd have 10-20 items but could only justify buying a half dozen. Now, while the bins were still full, they were loaded with stuff I already have or multiple copies of Spin Docters CD's. Most new stuff is on-line only. I know that I am a dinosaur in wanting hard copies of music, but it is difficult to know that like the dinosaurs, am becoming extinct. I did pick up the Purple Rain reissue (4 CD's of gold that you can't get on iTunes) and this fantastic 5 disc compilation from R&B and pioneering rock and roll label Specialty records, whose heyday spanned post-War America through the 50's.
This track came on and was instantly familiar...think it was from some Looney Tunes cartoon.
On the last weekend before coming back, made the trek down to Portland for a couple days of Pickathon. Had a fabulous time last year, especially as my beloved Yo La Tengo played, and with Bumbershoot changing their focus from my generation to whatever comes after Millennials, have made Pickathon my music festival pilgrimage of choice.
This years line-up wasn't as strong for me as last (mentioned my beloveds, yes?), and it was stinky hot (we could not escape heat at any point this year), but it is a fabulous setting and there were some great oldies (Jonathan Richman/Dinosaur Jr.) as well as a ton of interesting new indie things (Steve Gunn/Ex-Cult) that cooked.. Ex-Cult were some blistering punks from Tennessee and at Pickathon, you can get up front relatively easy, even for me that was hobbling on a cane. I was at the stage and a mosh pit broke out, but my fellow festival concert goers took care of me and got in between the slam dancers and I. The best thing about these festivals is stumbling into bands from genres I wouldn't normally see or even know. Saw some Tibetian throat singers, which I had always wanted to check out but were as annoying as what you'd expect. I get that they are talented, but sound like a chainsmoking trailer park bridge club getting into a dispute over what fried snack they are gonna order. My festival wife Malibu and I both enjoyed Puerto Riqueno via NYC Xenia Rubios, Booty shaking rhythms and worth your time if she comes to a town near you. Better were this dynamic R&B group called KING, which are three ladies (including a set of twins) that had silky voices and groovy production. They were famously promoted by Prince, but their sound reminded me more of Stevie Wonder. So chill...click on this album and just let it play in the back ground...you won't be disappointed.
Best of all were this trio of sisters called A-Wa. From Tel Aviv from a family of Yemeni immigrants, kept thinking this sounds like what a rockin' wedding in Israel (or Yemen) must sound like. The backing band was absolutely on fire and rocked our brains out. There were a couple of moments at the festival, with this being one, where you look around and everyone is dancing and smiling and just totally grooving to something totally unexpected.
Rockin' chicks were the rule, not the exception.
Before I finish off summer travel, have to mention that last night, Betty and I went to the high school back to school night. Pretty standard fare, you run around to each class on your child's schedule for 7 minutes in each room meeting the teacher and hearing a little bit about the class. There were two moments to share. Was sitting in one class and the teacher is trying to put parents names to kids faces. He asks a couple in the front who their daughter was and when he hears the name he comments offhandedly that she was out sick recently. The dad goes..."well she is a teenager and it was that time of the month." Dude? I'm inappropriate...very...but that was such a shit move in so many ways.
The other was listening to one teacher who was super enthusiastic and seemed great, but had this vocal tick that drives me insane. Have detailed many that bug me, but this is a new one I heard a lot this summer from all ages. When someone is telling a story or providing info, their brain runs out of things to say and instead of wrapping it up will say, "so...yeah". I get it from teenagers whose verbal skills are developing, and it is not quite as annoying as the "so/like/um/solikeums", but it fascinates me so when these things become viral across all ages and genders.
Which leads me to my first annual list of "Trends that bugged the crap out of me this summer". In order from "Things that made my skin crawl" to "Wanting to bash you in the skull with a shovel":
8 - So...yeah. C'mon people...think about the point of the story before you open your trap.
7 - Utilikilts. On the charts for years, one would pray that this awful fashion choice would be waning, but saw more this year than ever before. And some of these dudes were with actual women. Ladies, please do something about your men and if you are a friend of these guys, be a true friend and tell them that it's not OK. Have been on the planet long enough to see bad fashion come and go. Have even participated in some of them (my linen suit in '86 felt like a good idea at the time). I am tolerant of the dumb ass man-bun guys, a bit less so with the hipster homeless beards (how do these guys get laid?), but the utilikilts are worn by grown men unironically.
6 - Zipper in traffic. Another classic, but my usual annoyance is with the local Taiwanese that run up the ass of the car in front of them preventing a smooth merging process. Much like getting your dork caught in the zipper. This summer got flabbergasted by the people that could see a merge coming up ahead, but need to move over NOW. That is not gonna help the flow of traffic one bit and defeats the purpose of maximum capacity. Merging traffic is one of life's great unfortunate necessities, but if we all work together, we can get where we're going efficiently.
5 - T-shirts with alternative fabric pockets. A plain t-shirt with a striped chest pocket or vice versa. Thought it looked cool the first time I saw it, but became intolerant of it as I realized it was just a way to take a classic and make an extra buck. The Boy grabbed one at the Rack when we were doing his college shopping and I refused to entertain the purchase. I think he brought it over just to mess with me. Had a friend a couple years ago that wore a polo shirt, but instead of the logo being on the front left chest, it was on the back of the shirt at the shoulder blade. Why?
4 - Underpants with non-functioning flys. On many of the podcasts I listen to, advertising underwear is a big money maker and most have an affiliation with a maker. Am all for a revolution in underwear. Whoever came up with the boxer brief is the equal of Einstein in my book. So as the podcasters, many of who's opinion I respect, would shill for the latest in underwear fabric technology, I listened and came to the conclusion that I was gonna try the boxer briefs from MeUndies. mainly due to their use of modal fabric. As these are on-line businesses, did a trial order of three pair. Pulling them out of the package, loved the colors and the feel was as soft as advertised. Put them on (after washing of course) and hit the road. Was feeling good about myself down there when it was time to take a wiz and what did I not find? A gawdamn functioning fly. This is not the first time I bought high tech underwear with this same design feature. The place where it would be and the cut of the garment would indicate there was a fly, but it was all sewn up. You then either have to unbutton your pants, which to be honest defeats the only advantage of being a dude in the first place, or you have to pull down the underpants inside the buttoned up pants. As any fella can tell you, if you pull that second maneuver, you're gonna restrict the flow and once released, more than a few drops will trickle out. Kind of like pinching a straw. My question is, why not have the fly function? I understand there are some guys out there with huge pecker-oos that punch through the material, but most men are average (which is why they call it average) or are like me...average aspirational, and have never had a big problem of the member making an unscheduled appearance. I demand an answer.
3 - The Poke revolution. After never seeing it served outside of Hawaii before, Poke fish places were everywhere we went. And not just one...whole Poke districts. While it fine when on vacation in Hawaii, no one wants it on the mainland. I never saw a single person eating in one in two months and totally understand why small businesses fail.
2 - Political gymnasts. During the run-up to November 8th, 2016 folks were justifying a lot of the vile talk from the GOP nominee by sayin' that "I like him cause he speaks his mind...and he tells it like it is." This was code for a lot of things but to me it translates to "ignorant people like me have opinions and I'm sick of smart people telling me I'm dumb so I'll vote for this guy", and "I don't consider myself a racist, but those brown people, women, poor, 'other' religions are getting awfully uppity these days and the reason I'm such a loser is because of them." For those in that group that do have some empathy, or like their mother, or Mexican food or heard (cause they haven't actually read) the bible say that Jesus loved all people, especially the weak, after seeing how hateful the guy is but not willing to admit they could possible be wrong, cause ignorant people never can do that, their new mantra in trying to justify their continued support of him is that "he is our President and we need to respect him." I heard this one several times over the last few months, always from people that never respected the last guy. I really don't know what they mean by that but we all think you're a fucking idiot. By the way, whenever you say something is Fake News, that means it is 100% true.
1 - Cucumber water. I will simply never understand what is wrong with plain water. First, it is hard enough in this world just to get water from it's natural source to be purified enough so it doesn't introduce tapeworms into your intestines. So let's cut up a piece of fruit, complete with its skin that has been exposed to every kind of feces and pesticide, and dump it into this communal water trough? The majority of restaurant water jugs and even more distressing, every single water tank in a hotel lobby is lousy with lemons. I like lemons, lemonade, lemon meringue pie and really, am not opposed to lemon flavored water on occasion when the mood strikes, which is maybe once every 5 years.. Just cannot understand why it is now safe to assume that everyone on the planet loves this lemon flavored water and that we are all cool with having lemon seeds and stringy lemon veins floating in our water glasses. And now that we've all silently accepted lemons, the water providers of America are now emboldened to get creative. Oranges, strawberries, strawberries AND oranges. "Hello Hotel Receptionist, I am a weary traveler that is tired and dangerously dehydrated and the light of your hotel is a beacon of salvation and comfort. Do you have any soggy diarrhea inducing fruit salad you could give me." At the hotel we stayed in Seattle for two weeks, the choice they made was to load up their water dispenser with fucking cucumbers. While pickling turns them into a substance that is my personal kryptonite, have zero problem with cucumbers in my soup, salad, as a spear to dip into hummus, or even naked. In my water? It tastes like the stuff in the sink at a fancy hair salon after a woman gets her hair washed with some high priced shampoo. Don't ask me how I know that. I would make ever more disgusted comments to the receptionists at the hotel and within a few days, they would magically disappear whenever I walked into the lobby. And you should look at the vitriol spewed on a recent TripAdvisor page for the Issaquah Spring Hill Suites posted by yours truly. Stand up people...see something/say something. I know that you are saying to yourselves right now "cucumber water is OK...mellow out" It is not OK and you know it, but you don't want to be "that" person that is the squeaky wheel. Only way we can change something is if we all make our voices heard.
Our time in Seattle this year was short and we were on a rigorous schedule to see as many folks as possible. We did pretty good...was happy we saw you for as much as we did and commit to seeing those we missed next time. We had dinner every night with a different crew and it was delightful to hear about all of the happenings in the last year and how the kiddies are doing. Some success stories, a few harrowing tales and always amazed how much comes out in a few treasured hours together. Was truly lovely to see you all.
Some Seattle impressions
We scheduled our doctor visits early in the visit so we had time for any needed follow-up. The Boy transitioned from pediatrician to big boy doctor. My visit was uneventful...we talked about my future and in wondering what I'll do with my life when we get back to the States, estimated age of 55, I told her that I am thinking about a professional move into the world of Uber. She said that would be a bad idea and said that that my working career is likely done. Not calling a retirement press conference yet, and Betty was enraged at the doctor for suggesting such a thing. I didn't tell the doc that my real plan was to work in retail at one of Seattle's finest legal pot dispensaries. The weirdest thing about the visit though was that I didn't get the prostate probe. Went through all of the usual diagnostics and then she says to put my clothes on. I don't necessarily look forward to the old digit probe, but felt a bit cheated as it's like not getting the happy ending to a massage.
Dentist visits were also boring, complete with the usual admonishment for a spotty flossing regimen. You usually get the hard sell at the dentist about some orthodontia or new fangled expensive toothbrush, but this years recommendation was low tech and made sense. Dry brushing. They say that before you load up the toothbrush with Crest, give your teeth the once over with the brush only as this will loosen up all the gunk and make the final brushing more effective. My bottom front teeth are crowded and gunk gets trapped in there easily. Mumbled through the suction hose that coffee and cigs don't help and the hygienist said condescendingly, "you drink a lot of coffee and smoke?" to which I replied..."not all the time, sometimes I drink wine and eat blueberries." Hygienists have zero sense of humor when it comes to teeth.
Have been slowed with this back thing and get annoyed at myself as going through life like a boat trying to make as little a wake as possible is always on my mind, and can feel people behind me trying to sail past in my slower state. Maybe which is why I was sensitive to others even more deliberate than I and felt like I kept getting behind every old slow poke on the planet this year. Every time that thought occurred, an old dude would get in front of me in torturous fashion culminating in an episode out of a bad TV show. I was slow to get to the door at Starbucks on afternoon in Ballard and the old man that has obviously never been there before gets in front of me. I just wanted a drip, but this guy took at least 5 minutes trying to figure out the cheapest item on the menu. And his ears were going so every sentence the barista said, he would lean in for it to be repeated. The barista also throws out the Starbucks lingo, which he doesn't understand, so telling him a short latte costs $2 turns into a 10 sentence back and forth. And then he starts looking at the pasty case.
Betty and I finally got around to making our will. She got freaked by a the story of a co-worker's untimely demise and made me find an estate planner and get it on the calendar. Obviously, one avoids making a will cause that is an admission that one isn't gonna live forever. We received a recommendation and filled out a questionnaire on line. When the day came to go into discuss, the whole process took less than 30 minutes and say to the guy as we're leaving that it didn't even feel legit. It was not only far less painful than expected, and I wouldn't say it was pleasurable, but it was almost an inert experience. I know that most people have the same apprehension about doing this as I did, but am here to tell you to just go get it over with.
Saw a few Mariner games too. Quick digression...this is my favorite time of year. The weather turns cooler, my color palette is decidedly Autumn, and it is the best time of year for watching sports. This fall is shaping up as potentially one of the best ever. My baseball teams are on a legendary run (Dodgers) or are surprisingly relevant (Mariners, although they are pooping the bed as they do every August and will likely not end their playoff drought, which is the longest in the bigs). The NFL starts next week and am a junkie in listening to all things football. My teams are both pre-season darlings with the Seahawks going for one more run with a successful veteran core, and the Raiders rising from a decade plus of mismanagement to have a super exciting team. Even have bonus football now that I'm all in of Virginia Cavalier football. Although that team is a joke not only in the ACC, but with the entire student body, it is a new experience to have a rooting interest for a team playing on Saturdays. Finally, in the AFL (Australian Football League), the regular season ended last week and my club, the Essendon Bombers, made the playoffs after several years in the wilderness due to a PED scandal that eviscerated the roster. They are likely to be run out in the first round, but having September Footy back in my life fills my heart with joy. Will say it again...Aussie Rules is the greatest sport on Earth.
Anyhoo, Mariners suck (although they won every day we went), their young oft injured pitcher James Paxton was on a fabulous roll (since injured and out for the season naturally) and pitched a superb game one idyllic Seattle afternoon for us. Paxton is from Canada and they call him Big Maple. A fun tradition at Safeco in games pitched by (The King) Felix Hernandez is sitting in his section down the left field line called the King's Court, everyone wearing the same shirt and yelling K-K-K rooting for a strikeout whenever he had two strikes. The crowd took that and created their own Paxton Big Maple section in the bleachers and yell "Eh, Eh, Eh" when he had two strikes on the batter. Aussie Rules is the greatest spectator sport, and I get that baseball can be painfully dull, but tell me a place where you can go sit with your family or friends for three hours without looking at your phones and have a conversation? You can't.
Seattle itself is transforming in ways that are amazing. Might be hard to see just how dynamic the changes are if you're living there, but seeing it for two weeks annually, it is striking. Amazon has rebuilt downtown and taken over the job market. At least half the people we know have worked for or are working for them now. They had a job fair the week we were there looking for 50,000 people. 50K! Hard to process that kind of growth and even harder to see where it'll take the city that already has powerhouse brands like Starbucks, Boeing, Microsoft, Costco and Nordies. Property values are out of control, which does not bode well for our return and we were told more than once that we should buy something now. Must say that it is kinda fun to dream about neighborhoods and such.
What was most surprising about this growth was that the traffic was actually better this year and by a lot. The locals still bitch, but the massive highway infrastructure projects must be getting done cause we zoomed all over the usual choke points with minimal snarls.
With all the growth in on-line biz, there were a few brick and mortar stores that have been usual haunts on our visits that were a bit sad. Target seems to have lost some of their game with many shelves poorly stocked. That was nothing compared to Best Buy with whole racks completely baren. The worst of all were my favorite places of shopping...the used record stores. I could (and have) spent hours thumbing through music and would have to make some hard decisions as I'd have 10-20 items but could only justify buying a half dozen. Now, while the bins were still full, they were loaded with stuff I already have or multiple copies of Spin Docters CD's. Most new stuff is on-line only. I know that I am a dinosaur in wanting hard copies of music, but it is difficult to know that like the dinosaurs, am becoming extinct. I did pick up the Purple Rain reissue (4 CD's of gold that you can't get on iTunes) and this fantastic 5 disc compilation from R&B and pioneering rock and roll label Specialty records, whose heyday spanned post-War America through the 50's.
This track came on and was instantly familiar...think it was from some Looney Tunes cartoon.
On the last weekend before coming back, made the trek down to Portland for a couple days of Pickathon. Had a fabulous time last year, especially as my beloved Yo La Tengo played, and with Bumbershoot changing their focus from my generation to whatever comes after Millennials, have made Pickathon my music festival pilgrimage of choice.
This years line-up wasn't as strong for me as last (mentioned my beloveds, yes?), and it was stinky hot (we could not escape heat at any point this year), but it is a fabulous setting and there were some great oldies (Jonathan Richman/Dinosaur Jr.) as well as a ton of interesting new indie things (Steve Gunn/Ex-Cult) that cooked.. Ex-Cult were some blistering punks from Tennessee and at Pickathon, you can get up front relatively easy, even for me that was hobbling on a cane. I was at the stage and a mosh pit broke out, but my fellow festival concert goers took care of me and got in between the slam dancers and I. The best thing about these festivals is stumbling into bands from genres I wouldn't normally see or even know. Saw some Tibetian throat singers, which I had always wanted to check out but were as annoying as what you'd expect. I get that they are talented, but sound like a chainsmoking trailer park bridge club getting into a dispute over what fried snack they are gonna order. My festival wife Malibu and I both enjoyed Puerto Riqueno via NYC Xenia Rubios, Booty shaking rhythms and worth your time if she comes to a town near you. Better were this dynamic R&B group called KING, which are three ladies (including a set of twins) that had silky voices and groovy production. They were famously promoted by Prince, but their sound reminded me more of Stevie Wonder. So chill...click on this album and just let it play in the back ground...you won't be disappointed.
Best of all were this trio of sisters called A-Wa. From Tel Aviv from a family of Yemeni immigrants, kept thinking this sounds like what a rockin' wedding in Israel (or Yemen) must sound like. The backing band was absolutely on fire and rocked our brains out. There were a couple of moments at the festival, with this being one, where you look around and everyone is dancing and smiling and just totally grooving to something totally unexpected.
Before I finish off summer travel, have to mention that last night, Betty and I went to the high school back to school night. Pretty standard fare, you run around to each class on your child's schedule for 7 minutes in each room meeting the teacher and hearing a little bit about the class. There were two moments to share. Was sitting in one class and the teacher is trying to put parents names to kids faces. He asks a couple in the front who their daughter was and when he hears the name he comments offhandedly that she was out sick recently. The dad goes..."well she is a teenager and it was that time of the month." Dude? I'm inappropriate...very...but that was such a shit move in so many ways.
The other was listening to one teacher who was super enthusiastic and seemed great, but had this vocal tick that drives me insane. Have detailed many that bug me, but this is a new one I heard a lot this summer from all ages. When someone is telling a story or providing info, their brain runs out of things to say and instead of wrapping it up will say, "so...yeah". I get it from teenagers whose verbal skills are developing, and it is not quite as annoying as the "so/like/um/solikeums", but it fascinates me so when these things become viral across all ages and genders.
Which leads me to my first annual list of "Trends that bugged the crap out of me this summer". In order from "Things that made my skin crawl" to "Wanting to bash you in the skull with a shovel":
8 - So...yeah. C'mon people...think about the point of the story before you open your trap.
7 - Utilikilts. On the charts for years, one would pray that this awful fashion choice would be waning, but saw more this year than ever before. And some of these dudes were with actual women. Ladies, please do something about your men and if you are a friend of these guys, be a true friend and tell them that it's not OK. Have been on the planet long enough to see bad fashion come and go. Have even participated in some of them (my linen suit in '86 felt like a good idea at the time). I am tolerant of the dumb ass man-bun guys, a bit less so with the hipster homeless beards (how do these guys get laid?), but the utilikilts are worn by grown men unironically.
6 - Zipper in traffic. Another classic, but my usual annoyance is with the local Taiwanese that run up the ass of the car in front of them preventing a smooth merging process. Much like getting your dork caught in the zipper. This summer got flabbergasted by the people that could see a merge coming up ahead, but need to move over NOW. That is not gonna help the flow of traffic one bit and defeats the purpose of maximum capacity. Merging traffic is one of life's great unfortunate necessities, but if we all work together, we can get where we're going efficiently.
5 - T-shirts with alternative fabric pockets. A plain t-shirt with a striped chest pocket or vice versa. Thought it looked cool the first time I saw it, but became intolerant of it as I realized it was just a way to take a classic and make an extra buck. The Boy grabbed one at the Rack when we were doing his college shopping and I refused to entertain the purchase. I think he brought it over just to mess with me. Had a friend a couple years ago that wore a polo shirt, but instead of the logo being on the front left chest, it was on the back of the shirt at the shoulder blade. Why?
4 - Underpants with non-functioning flys. On many of the podcasts I listen to, advertising underwear is a big money maker and most have an affiliation with a maker. Am all for a revolution in underwear. Whoever came up with the boxer brief is the equal of Einstein in my book. So as the podcasters, many of who's opinion I respect, would shill for the latest in underwear fabric technology, I listened and came to the conclusion that I was gonna try the boxer briefs from MeUndies. mainly due to their use of modal fabric. As these are on-line businesses, did a trial order of three pair. Pulling them out of the package, loved the colors and the feel was as soft as advertised. Put them on (after washing of course) and hit the road. Was feeling good about myself down there when it was time to take a wiz and what did I not find? A gawdamn functioning fly. This is not the first time I bought high tech underwear with this same design feature. The place where it would be and the cut of the garment would indicate there was a fly, but it was all sewn up. You then either have to unbutton your pants, which to be honest defeats the only advantage of being a dude in the first place, or you have to pull down the underpants inside the buttoned up pants. As any fella can tell you, if you pull that second maneuver, you're gonna restrict the flow and once released, more than a few drops will trickle out. Kind of like pinching a straw. My question is, why not have the fly function? I understand there are some guys out there with huge pecker-oos that punch through the material, but most men are average (which is why they call it average) or are like me...average aspirational, and have never had a big problem of the member making an unscheduled appearance. I demand an answer.
3 - The Poke revolution. After never seeing it served outside of Hawaii before, Poke fish places were everywhere we went. And not just one...whole Poke districts. While it fine when on vacation in Hawaii, no one wants it on the mainland. I never saw a single person eating in one in two months and totally understand why small businesses fail.
2 - Political gymnasts. During the run-up to November 8th, 2016 folks were justifying a lot of the vile talk from the GOP nominee by sayin' that "I like him cause he speaks his mind...and he tells it like it is." This was code for a lot of things but to me it translates to "ignorant people like me have opinions and I'm sick of smart people telling me I'm dumb so I'll vote for this guy", and "I don't consider myself a racist, but those brown people, women, poor, 'other' religions are getting awfully uppity these days and the reason I'm such a loser is because of them." For those in that group that do have some empathy, or like their mother, or Mexican food or heard (cause they haven't actually read) the bible say that Jesus loved all people, especially the weak, after seeing how hateful the guy is but not willing to admit they could possible be wrong, cause ignorant people never can do that, their new mantra in trying to justify their continued support of him is that "he is our President and we need to respect him." I heard this one several times over the last few months, always from people that never respected the last guy. I really don't know what they mean by that but we all think you're a fucking idiot. By the way, whenever you say something is Fake News, that means it is 100% true.
1 - Cucumber water. I will simply never understand what is wrong with plain water. First, it is hard enough in this world just to get water from it's natural source to be purified enough so it doesn't introduce tapeworms into your intestines. So let's cut up a piece of fruit, complete with its skin that has been exposed to every kind of feces and pesticide, and dump it into this communal water trough? The majority of restaurant water jugs and even more distressing, every single water tank in a hotel lobby is lousy with lemons. I like lemons, lemonade, lemon meringue pie and really, am not opposed to lemon flavored water on occasion when the mood strikes, which is maybe once every 5 years.. Just cannot understand why it is now safe to assume that everyone on the planet loves this lemon flavored water and that we are all cool with having lemon seeds and stringy lemon veins floating in our water glasses. And now that we've all silently accepted lemons, the water providers of America are now emboldened to get creative. Oranges, strawberries, strawberries AND oranges. "Hello Hotel Receptionist, I am a weary traveler that is tired and dangerously dehydrated and the light of your hotel is a beacon of salvation and comfort. Do you have any soggy diarrhea inducing fruit salad you could give me." At the hotel we stayed in Seattle for two weeks, the choice they made was to load up their water dispenser with fucking cucumbers. While pickling turns them into a substance that is my personal kryptonite, have zero problem with cucumbers in my soup, salad, as a spear to dip into hummus, or even naked. In my water? It tastes like the stuff in the sink at a fancy hair salon after a woman gets her hair washed with some high priced shampoo. Don't ask me how I know that. I would make ever more disgusted comments to the receptionists at the hotel and within a few days, they would magically disappear whenever I walked into the lobby. And you should look at the vitriol spewed on a recent TripAdvisor page for the Issaquah Spring Hill Suites posted by yours truly. Stand up people...see something/say something. I know that you are saying to yourselves right now "cucumber water is OK...mellow out" It is not OK and you know it, but you don't want to be "that" person that is the squeaky wheel. Only way we can change something is if we all make our voices heard.
#4 rant (underwear) was classic. you should send that to Carrola. MS
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