June 24th, 2020

Hey there,

Quick follow up to last weeks local news item about Taiwan rescinding the law that made adultery illegal, gonorrhea cases on the island have hit a 5-year high.  While that article does not equate the two and the reporting are from the 6 month period before the adultery rule was abolished, you gotta think there is some correlation.  Or maybe it has to do with the virus keeping people indoors the first half of the year.  Anyway, in response to this outbreak, the Central News Agency says that, "Individuals are urged to engage in safe sex and use the country's STD-friendly clinics for early diagnosis and intervention."   STD friendly clinics must have a cute mascot.

In a likely related news story is this one about a teen girl that jumped on the hood of her dad's mistress' car and got taken for a ride.  The mom/wife was also there and rammed her car with her own.  A scuffle ensued and was still ongoing when the cops arrived.  In that article is a snippet of video of the girl clinging to the windshield and the adulterer speeds down the road.  All parties are pressing charges against one another.  Since you can't bust the cheaters legally anymore, suspect/hope to see more of these articles.

Another enlightening article from the Taiwan News site to share is this one about a big drug bust of a favorite of the young folks here called Meow Meow. The bust itself was 3 tons of an ingredient in the Meow Meow called Mephedrone, which mixed with other stuff and put into coffee sachets gives a feeling of ecstasy and is hard to detect in urine samples.  Upon further research, Mepherone based drugs are also called bath salts, which is a cool name too, but Meow Meow is better.  I am not a fan of the speed aspect of this drug, but the ecstasy part has an appeal.  The local kids like their speed to do more homework and ride their scooters like Evel Knievel.

One more headline ripped from Taiwan News but out of India...Alcoholic monkey gets life sentence in India after attacking 250 pedestrians.  The six year old monkey named Kalua was "formerly owned by an 'occultist' who routinely supplied him liquor to drink, which turned him into an alcoholic."  When the owner died, his liquor supply dried up and he started attacking people with, "many of his victims, particularly women and girls, had to have plastic surgery to repair the bite wounds caused by the simian.".  He was sent to the zoo where zookeepers tried to change Kalua's behavior by putting him on a vegetarian diet, to no avail.  I coulda told you that curing an alcoholic by putting him on a vegetarian diet was not gonna work.

I injured myself this week in truly classic old man fashion.  Last weekend we had people over for dinner and needed to put the extra leaf in the dining room table.  Was putting the house back in order on Sunday and enlisted Babydoll's help in taking the leaf out.  Pushing the table back together was not working cause the mechanism must be rusty from all the humidity, so it was gonna need a strong push.  I tell B-doll to brace herself and I'm gonna push hard as I can on three.  Grab the table with my arms like I'm carrying a laundry basket and push as hard as I can, and pull something in my left arm something fierce that I screamed and fell to the floor in pain.  Felt like I was stabbed and that I broke a bone.  Didn't go to the doctor and after some time self diagnosed as pulling the muscles that connect the bicep and forearm at the elbow.  Arm was in exquisite pain for three days but is now to the point where I can hold stuff in that arm and reach around to properly clean my butt crack.  I should be thankful that I didn't wrench my back I suppose, but yet another example of how getting old sucks.

Since last time and after the haircut, have seen a mess of people.  Unanimously, I was told that it looks so much better but I could tell in the eyes of some of the women that they were sad to see it go.  Babydoll had not been a fan of it for years as it caused her embarrassment, but when she saw me for the first time said something that sounded like a real compliment but have been wondering how much of one since.  She said, "you have a nice hair line...for a man your age."  

Was hoping the haircut would make things better with the heat, and I guess it did, but it is hard to tell for sure as temps here are consistently awful.  The lowest 'high' temperature of any day so far in June has been 108, and most days it is getting to be 110.  Every day without exception.  I cannot impress upon you enough just how much it messes with your synapsis.   Yesterday was the second hottest June day ever since they started recording them in 1896...am not making this up.  Anyway, here is a screenshot from yesterday.  Fuck me.

Have sorta kept it together by thinking that we may be able to escape late July/early August to somewhere cold...specifically potential travel bubble partner New Zealand.  I loved that place when we went a couple years ago, perhaps even more than my beloved Australia.  Since they and TW have eradicated the bug, there had been talk, mostly by me, of us two having a free exchange of people without quarantine.  In my brain, makes total sense for all of the reasons.  We were at a b-day party last weekend that had some folks from there and I was all juiced to talk about it, and they said that it would never happen cause the mainlanders would get pissed and the NZ government would never do something to jeopardize them selling their agricultural products to them.  Gawdamnit.

Finally for today, it is Dragon Boat festival tomorrow.  Don't think I'll have any stories from it next time as I have zero plans to do any Dragon Boat activities, but I really didn't know anything about it as we have always been gone this time of year so have never researched its significance.   It did not disappoint.

Also called Double Fifth, it is celebrated on the fifth day of the fifth month of the (pagan) Lunar calendar,  The origin of the holiday is from a 2000 year old story...

The festival’s origins date back to southern China more than 2,000 years ago and come from the tale of the death of celebrated poet and minister Qu Yuan (屈原). Exiled from the state of Chu for supposed treason, Qu committed suicide by drowning himself in the Miluo River. Locals rushed out in boats to try and save him, dropping sticky rice into the water to keep the fish from eating his body – hence the modern-day traditions of eating zongzi and racing Dragon Boats.

Since some poet jumped into the river 2000 ears ago, we have dragon boat races and they eat that sticky rice (zongzi) thing this time of year.  Another fun thing to do on this day is to balance an egg on its end at noon, thereby ensuring good luck for the next year.  I'm gonna try it. 

June 18th, 2020

Hiya,

Some Gomez items for ya this week.

As regular visitors to this page know, Taiwan has licked the virus and this week saw the country take off restrictions on crowd sizes, which meant that baseball stadiums can be filled to the brim.  Not that they ever are, but still.  There is a couple we are friendly with that are moving back to the States on Friday and they are big baseball fans and wanted to catch one more game in person this year as they are rightfully skeptical of seeing any MLB in 2020, so we agreed to catch a Wednesday night tilt between the Brother Elephants at the Fubon Guardians.

These games are a ton of fun but the stadium across the street from our apartment is being renovated this season, so we Ubered to Xinshuang (about 40 minutes away).  Was kinda dreading it cause it is so hot and motivating to go out is an issue, but had to do it for our departing friends and am glad we did.

It looks like a pleasant evening in this snap, but it was 105 degrees at first pitch.

And only "cooled" off to 96 at the end of the game.

The fan experience in Taiwan is pretty good.  While the stadium can be filled up and you don't need PPE's in the seats, you do need to wear your masks in the concourse area.  To have fun with the restrictions, instead of the Kiss Cam, they had the Wash Cam.  They pan around the stadium with the running water and people wash their hands in it.  We got put up on the big screen and I started with the hands, then moved to my armpits.  As I stood up to then simulate washing my ass, our other friends came back with their food and got in the way.  That woulda been a good one, but alas.

Sidetrack...I was fortunate to see Redd Foxx in Vegas before he passed and he did his classic "You Gotta Wash Your Ass" bit and wanted to insert that YouTube video of his album of that name.  Something changed recently with how this blog spot operates and have been having issues finding videos I want, so instead of linking to that album, which you should search out if you have some time, here is 4 minutes of Redd doing filthy 'Confucius Say' jokes.  The kids would say, "highly inappropriate"

Games cost about 10-12 bucks for a seat and a feature that is hard to believe is that not only can you bring in your own food, but your own booze too.  As much as you can carry from what I can tell.  Being a whisky drinker makes the load manageable.  The food options at this place were limited, but not awful and I got a personal spicy chorizo pizza that was legit.   What was a hoot was the wep napkin they included with my pie to clean off after eating...that is actual size.

The Asian love themselves a goofy mascot and the Guardians were no exception.  The addition of PPE is a nice touch.

By far the most endearing/obnoxious difference between a baseball game in the States and here are the songs.  Every player has their own song and the chear squad beats a drum (sometimes accompanied by horns) and sings whoever is up at bats song during the entire at bat.  And it is amplified throughout the stadium...loud.  So it is some variation of hitto hitto go-go-go full blast all night.  It's cute for an inning maybe, but gets really old.  What is endearing is that many of the fans, mostly the ladies, will dance to the songs.  Each track has an accompanying individual dance routine and the fans know them all, so they will do all the moves for each player all night long.  It's also cool that the crowd is easily 40-50% women and they give it all in their dance moves.  We had three girls behind us, that we estimated to be between 17 and 35 years old, just digging in all night.

                                            
Oh yeah...they have regular old cheerleaders too, which is a very nice touch.

It was a 15-1 drubbing of the home Guardians by the Brother Elephants, but the home faithful danced and cheered all night and couldn't have cared less.  Good times.

Addios to those two in the middle.

The other piece of personal news is that there has been a hair update.  It has been pretty unanimous that folks have not been fans of the long hair experiment but I said that when Betty says it is time to go, that's when it is time to go.  She gave the nod this week.  Have been (literally) itching to give up on it cause it wasn't progressing in a way that I thought was cool.  Was gonna let  it ride this summer to annoy all my friends and family, but since we are stuck in this soul sucking heat, went to have it shaved this morning.  For posterity, took a series of selfies today showing just how horrific it was.

Just out of bed.

I call my mom every morning around 6AM and while I'm chatting on Skype with her, brush it to get the knots out.  She thinks it's awful, but since she is in lockdown, it gives us a couple minutes of something to talk about.

Then in tied up ponytail mode.

I had not been to the lady that has cut my hair since we arrived in town for just short of two years.  She speaks less English than I do Mandarin, and when I took off my hat and undid the hair tie, she said in perfect Keanu Reeves, "woah".  There was a woman in the chair next to me getting her hair permed to be curly and the look on her face was disgust.  It took the stylist about 10 minutes to shave it and here is the hair pile.  Doesn't look as big in the photo as it did in person.  

I am not pretty, but it looks pretty good.  When it was finished, the lady in the chair next to me turned and gave a big thumbs up.

Finally for today, my new favorite non-sequitur conversation starter is...I think that Kim Yo-Jong is pretty hot, but I've always had a thing for ruthless dictatorial women that could have me killed on a whim.  

June 15th, 2020

Hey there,

Local news this week.

Babydoll has a fairly healthy sense of humor.  She has to be resilient cause I am pretty consistent in making fun of everything all the time, including her, so has adapted a thick skin and her own bag of things she finds funny.  What she is not (yet) is inherently funny, but she is working on it.  She has been asking me recently if I want to hear a 'funny story' and inevitably, they are not funny and sometimes barely stories.  To be fair, sometimes they have funny elements to them and that she is trying to develop her story telling, but the point I make to her is that if you come in announcing something is funny, you are setting it up to fail.  Have given a couple of suggestions to lead with 'amusing anecdote' or 'something I found interesting' so you can undersell the funny and surprise them with it.  Much better strategy.

That said, I found a funny local story to share.  In the southern city of Kaohsiung, there was a major recall election last week that had the KMT mayor being ousted with a vote of 24,000 for and 940,000 against.  That is some dictator-like vote count, but the KMT is on the ropes these days as they are seen as the pro-mainland party and this guy made some promises during his election run in 2018 that he immediately broke.  I may be missing some crucial detail cause if his offense was breaking promises during an election, as an American voter, that would usually mean he gets reelected in a landslide.  One of the mayor's chief lieutenants committed suicide 2 hours after the vote by jumping off a building.  The conspiracy theorists were out immediately saying he was pushed, so those types certainly aren't limited to the States.  

That wasn't the funny part.  During the run-up to the vote, a member of the political party called "Can't Stop This Party" made a bet on the election.  A couple of words about the Can't Stop This Party party...they were founded late in 2019 by a bunch of YouTubers and officially became the 365th political party in the country and the 15th with a legislative member in parliament.  Is there any wonder that I miss some of the nuance to the local politics?  I suspect they are liberal but have not researched their platform other than their mission being "to bring joy and laughter to Taiwanese politics."   I'm listening...

Anyhoo, this party member predicted that the vote tally wouldn't go over 400,000 total, which was the minimum number of votes needed for the mayor to be recalled and if he lost, he said he would break a pair of chopsticks with his ass for every 10,000 votes over 400K.  Remind me not to take this guy, whose YouTube name is Froggy, along to the track as there was over 530,000 more votes cast than he predicted so in losing his bet, he had to break 53 pair of chopsticks with his ass.  And he did.   That article is well written in the style of presenting bizarre facts in a solemn way and is worth a minute of your time, but if you don't want to read, here is the video.  

Your heart goes out to the poor woman that is tasked with doing the count of the broken chopsticks and she would be a main character on the Taiwanese version of Mad Men.  Before watching it, couldn't envision how one cracks them but seeing it done makes a lot of sense.  Use your bikini underpants to hold in place and break them horizontally. The best part is when Froggy goes for three pair at a time  and the lady bends over about a foot away to watch.  I mentioned that the virus has been eradicated and social distancing guidelines have been relaxed, yes?  Froggy has pretty firm buns, which has to be a requirement in this effort.  Am not gonna try it at home cause I want to leave the image of my flabby ass attempting it up to the imagination.  I will also call out all of the participants footwear...my mom was ahead of her time in making everyone take of their shoes before coming into her house (neat freak with white carpet), but it is absolutely mandatory by tradition here and everyone has a pair of cheap slides that they wear in the office or wherever.  

One more local news story for today.  I didn't know it, but adultery in Taiwan is illegal.  Was illegal until last week that is as the supreme court struck down the law deeming it as criminal.  Did a little research and the penalty for getting caught in the act was up to a year in prison for both the adulterer and their partner.  For foreigners caught with locals, deportation was added after they finished their jail time.  A large private investigation industry has grown up to catch cheating spouses and it is just another job description that is going away, like pony express rider or corrupt policeman.  The country averaged 500 convictions a year for this offense but few actually went to jail as you could pay NT$900 (about US$30) per day of your sentence to stay out of the hoosegow.   Apparently, Taiwan was the last country in the "developed" world that still had this law on the books.  Gay marriage and now this?  Good on ya Taiwan.  Now let's legalize the weed, eh?  In the news today came a report that users of Ashley Madison (a site where married people can meet for hookups) have risen 70% in Taiwan in the two weeks since the law was rescinded.  

June 9th, 2020

Hiya,

Said I was gonna try to find some funny this week and well, 2020 offered up even more hilarity.  

My go to podcasts have almost all become maudlin.  The sports ones have tried to put up a brave face during the virus and without any action to discuss for months now, theyalmost all have descended into sad commentaries on this weeks protesting.  While the sentiments are important, they're hard to take in an endless stream.  Found a new one recently that provides a decent diversion...it is called The Dollop.  Two comedians, sometimes adding a guest into the mix, take a person or event from history and tell the tale while doing improvisational riffs on the topic.  The subject matter is usually about obscure events or fringe characters involved in major ones, but if you like to learn some history and to have your lesson be weird and funny, give it a shot.  Have listened to about a dozen of them and have learned and laughed each time.  A good intro is a two parter on Ronald Reagan with Patton Oswalt as the guest...you can find the Dollop here.

I saw a Saturday Night Live sketch years ago that busted me up but never saw again on YouTube or in reruns, like Stefan, Sprockets or Matt Foley ( the guy that lives in a van down by the river).  I have quoted it forever and have never found another person that remembered it at all.  In the Ringer this week, a writer did a deep dive oral history on that sketch and it was affirmation that not only was it in the top 5 all time sketches, but there are weirdos out there just like me.  From a 90's episode with Lucy Lawless as the host, it is called Stevie Nicks Fajita Roundup and the premise is that Ms Nicks lives in Sedona, Arizona and runs a Mexican restaurant.  Brilliant, stupid and brilliantly stupid.  I implore you to read the article and watch the link.  You will never eat Mexican food the same way again.  And there you go again, you want burritos...

One more to share...not necessarily funny but still.  I have listened to some episodes of a podcast called Eat Your Words where the host has on a guest to talk about different cuisines.  Not recipes, but more of the culture surrounding different places food.  Quite a good time waster for foodie types.  Forget how I came to it but the first one I listened to was about Taiwanese cuisine.  Am not a fan of what they eat here and hoped to get some nuggets that would help me appreciate it more cause I want to like it.  While that didn't happen, I did learn an interesting fact about their most prized local dish, the one that they have competitions to determine the best version, and that is beef noodle soup.  This soup came about in Taiwan during the 50's when the US was its main benefactor and kept the place alive by sending foodstuffs.  The soup is made from all American products, from the soy in the sauce, to the wheat in the noodles, and even the beef which gives it its name.  Since the US wasn't sending its prime cuts, that is why they use the tendons in the soup and have come to adore the chewy ligaments.  The only local thing in the soup is the water.  This is some great ammunition when I get into my regular "discussions" over the merits of the food choices here.  This is a link to that episode.

As for Taiwan this week...effin' hot.  We hit at least 106 degrees every day and will do so constantly until at least September.  That is 4 months of literal hell that we cannot escape.  I developed a bad case of crotch rot last August and have vowed to not let that happen again.  My current plan of attack is to powder the nether region obsessively and it has been working so far (fingers crossed).  Going through a large container weekly.  Corn dogs anyone?  Read that Johnson & Johnson has stopped selling baby powder in the States causes women were getting ovarian cancer after prolonged application in their hoochie-coos.  We can still buy it here but wonder if I should start hoarding it and/or start looking into alternatives.  I recieve spam emails a couple times a week asking me to join the class-action lawsuit against them.

The heat is the suffering we are gonna have to endure to live in a place that has eradicated the virus.  Today marks the 56th day in a row with no local infections, which is four complete incubation cycles.  They are removing mask wearing and crowd gathering restrictions across the country, so we can go to crowded shows and baseball games, not that I have any desire to do so cause it is so effin' hot.  Think they call that a conundrum.  This place wiped it out by means that would be impossible for the States to adopt.  There was a Business Insider article this week that takes on the Taiwanese measures to combat the virus and it was critical of them as being part of an ever growing surveillance state.  I thought the piece was very thought provoking and if that is the kind of provocation you may enjoy, here 'tis.  

Lastly, and very briefly, this weeks shitstorm of murders and more murders has been hard to bare.  There are so many takes that any one I have has been said a hundred times.  I have been thinking back to when Kaepernick took the knee and having many "exchanges" with certain people that equated that action with disrespect for the military.  Total BS then but I tried to change some minds and to do so by explaining it in rationnal and non-confrontational ways. What always bothered me about the kneeling thing then was that none of the white players knelt with those guys.  Some linked arms and the like, but they never had the stones to get down on their knees in solidarity.  I hope to see that change this time around.  It isn't gonna be easy cause ol' Bunker Boy is whipping up the pearl clutching machine about it already.  Some of the same people I tried to reason with in the past about it are whipping out their megaphone equating protest to looting so know that minds are hard to impossible to change.  I do not expect to be rational nor non-confrontational this go around with them and suspect my dwindling list of aquiantences will acclerate.