August 16th, 2020

Hey there,

School started last week.  Full in person attendance with masks required by everyone at all times.  Not a peep of dissent and that's in a society that has not had a locally transmitted case reported in months.    Big news here last week was that HHS head Alex Azar came to Taiwan and he is the highest ranking diplomat to step foot here since the '70's.  Pissed China off, which was obviously the reason they did it, but the stated reason he came was to liaise with his Taiwanese counterparts on virus management strategies.  I looked...while there were plenty of articles about the message this sent to China, could find a single mention of the crisis management aspect of the  trip nor what he took away from it.  How about  telling the boss that masks work dude?

Anyhoo, this is Babydolls senior year, which is pretty damn big for her and for us parents.  The night before the first day she had her friend over and I was asking how it felt to be the Big Women on Campus...the Top Dogs as it were, and they replied that they are now the apex predators.  Loved that.  I took a photo with her but was dripping with sweat from my morning chores and look like a woman...seriously, like a sweaty lesbian with small but pronounced tits.  Will stage a photo when I look better another time.  The school took some candid artsy shots of the kids and posted them on their website...here is one of her.

OK...the real reason we're here today is to talk traffic.  It's been a while since I bitched about it, but got a traffic ticket in the mail the other day, which prompted some thoughts.

Famously, I got 10ish speeding tickets the first couple months here as I was not warned about their speed cams.  Think I've only gotten a couple since, but the latest was a new one.

With their dashcam, someone caught me changing lanes without using my blinker and submitted the tape to the authorities who issued the $40 fine.  I had heard that this was a thing and thought semi facetiously that it'd be a good side job for me as the reporting party gets a few bucks for doing so, but snitches gets stitches, right?  In reality, I am quite OK with this as this place could use some accountability on the roads and anecdotally have noticed people using their indicators a bit more around town the last few months and figure that this has been a focus of enforcement.  Sucks I got popped for something that I feel I adhere to in an above average way and also is one of my pet peeves when people don't do it in situations where a nice indicator would be good mojo and prevent accidents.

The last few days I've have been cataloging the different types of offenders that are common here.  I have given them names to help keep track and present them for your consideration. 

The Late Blinker - These types have always been here but they've increased since this new blinker focus.  The hallmark of the Late Blinker is to be driving and to then move into the lane next to them slowly, and then put their blinker on when they are 2/3-3/4 of the way into the new lane.  It is not a secret why they don't want to signal early as if they were to do so, the people behind them would speed up to cut them off.  Not unique to TW of course, but built into the DDNA (Driving Deoxyribonucleic Acid).

The Monday Morning QB - A feature of the lane construction here that I have not noticed elsewhere is turn lanes markings.  Common is a three lane road that comes to a light.  Past the light the three lanes continue but the left lane has a turn arrow meaning that it is left turn only.  As there is a lane on the other side, you can go straight but the intention is left only.  In some cases though there is a dual straight/turn arrow, so that would mean it is both a thru and left turn lane.  In this scenario, you come up to a red light and there is a single car in that dual arrow left turn lane without the blinker on.  As soon as the light turns green, that is when this monster turns on his left indicator.  I get that the left blinker guy above is afraid of someone speeding up to cut him off, but MMQB is in the pole position and cannot understand the motivation. 

The Wayward Sperm - Did you know that in every male ejaculation that there are between 39 and 928 million individual sperm cells?    Since lane changes are problematic concepts for the Taiwanese motorists, they have found a safe space to change lanes where there are no lines...in the intersections.  As a student of traffic, this is one of the most dangerous things to do and is illegal. These folks are schooled from the earliest of ages to color within the lines.  Follow the instructions or you get your hands whacked by the teachers.  Whenever they get to a place that has no rules, in this case line-less intersections, they don't have rules to govern their actions and are free to indulge in their worst selves.  One of the few instances in their lives where they can truly be free.  Everytime I come to an intersection, I feel like I'm gonna get sprayed with the money shot.

The Butt Sniffer - Very cultural and you see it everywhere...not just on the road.  The Butt Sniffer is a meter from your back bumper at all speeds.  I don't get the impression they are riding your ass to push you into getting out of the way, it is just they are very comfortable in that spot.  This happens in any line at the Family Mart/7-11 when there are two people in the store and I'm paying and can feel the heat of the other person's body right behind me.  

The Small Barky Dog - Obviously related to The Butt Sniffer.  There was a Loony Toons cartoon that had a big gruff bulldog and his little buddy yapper dog that would always be jumping around him and talking shit.  If anyone knows where all those Loony Tunes are housed for viewing, please let me know.  In this instance, the Small Barky Dog is on your ass, then sees an inch of daylight in the adjacent lane, and will move over and ride the ass of the car in that lane.  They'll use their horn and lights to encourage you to get out of the way so they can race ahead to the next red light or car in front and repeat the process.  Like a nervous Chihuahua, there is no off switch and suspect these people are twitching while they sleep.  On this list, these are my personal favorite cause you can see them coming and often times can do something about it.  You can speed up to let them think you are the fast lane, then slow down to get them to move over and ride the guy next to you for a bit, then speed up so they'll move over behind you, and repeat as long as possible.  I don't think they even notice cause like a Chihuahua, their skulls are small and contain a brain to match.  Betty absolutely hates when I do this.

The Undecided Voter- You'll recognize a bunch of these wherever you live or drive, but this is the one that most Americans know when they get pissed at the DWAs (Driving While Asian), but they are misinterpreting the action.  The Undecided will be sitting smack dab on the line dividing two lanes, neither in the right or left but effectively blocking both.  My Grandma used to drive like this in her waning years, but that was due to a deterioration of eyesight and depth perception, but that is a small fraction of what is going on here.  Americans think they are simply bad drivers and while that is true, they are bad because they are driving in both lanes so they can later choose which lane is faster.  Some would argue that is clever driving, but truly clever drivers, like yours truly, can process the way the wind is gonna blow like a meteorologist in Florida and get to the right spot early.

The Enablers (aka The Face Savers) - The people that will allow all the others to proceed without even the slightest toot of a horn.  Look, during this plague season, I have had to rethink my opinion on a lot of the things that they do that seemed weird but are totally life saving precautions, and I will agree that letting some things go to not create conflict is an admirable trait.  The cultural term is saving face, but when that devolves into letting people piss on community norms cause they know they can do so with impunity, this 'Murican draws the line.

The My Bad (aka The Racoon) - I think about 80% of societies ills can be fixed if people were willing to eat their mistakes.  For example, here is one that I know you'd like to hear..."I voted for that guy cause I wanted to give a business man a try/Hillary was a warmonger/taxes, etc., but was I ever wrong and will vote for all Democrats with both hands."  We all have our fantasies.  How this relates to TW drivers is that they missed their turn or are in the right turn lane when they needed to go left, and instead of going another block to rectify the error, they are gonna stop the world and fix it on the spot.  The Enablers will grab a tub of popcorn and silently watch the show and if there is someone that gives leans on the horn at them, the best you will get is the My Bad smile.  More often, they will look at you like a Racoon does when you catch him digging in your garbage can and shine a light on him.

The Nuzzler - They sound cute but are the second worst of the lot.  Here is the classic Nuzzler move...two lanes going straight and a third left turn only lane.  The straight lanes are popular and at the light are backed up 5-10 cars deep while the left turn lane has a car or two.  Nuzzlers see all that empty space, drive up the left turn lane and Butt Sniff the car turning left. They know they are going straight and the left turn is gonna be stopped, but they go there and then nuzzle their way into the straight lanes.  Since they are so close to the car in front as they needed to get a good whiff of what's coming out of the car turning left's ass, they can't merge with flow, but inch their way in, further delaying the line of cars going straight, until an Enabler stops the whole show to let them in.  Nuzzlers are like bad dogs that will put their head on your lap all innocent like, and then steal your pork chop and swallow it whole.  

The 1% - While the Nuzzlers are awful, they get away with it cause they are mistaken for the My Bad's pretending they made a mistake when it was really just a ploy to sneak in front of a few cars.  The 1% will just fuck you over and are surprised when they aren't thanked for it.  I have written about them before and am sure I have given this example more than once, but since I see it every gawdamn day in the same spot, am gonna detail it one more time.     Two lanes clearly marked as the left lane goes straight and right lane is right turn only.  They are very clearly marked both on signage and painted ground arrows as this corner has a hospital on it and there are a ton of people in wheelchairs, with canes, or dragging oxygen tanks behind them around, so serious business.  This is also a funnel area so the right turn lane gets busy at rush hours as there is a school nearby, cars coming the other way turning left, a major arterial just around the corner, and is just a high volume choke point.  This means that the right turn lane backs up quite a bit during the morning commute, but it will cycle through clean within a couple of red/green light changes.  I see every day that people will go all the way in the straight lane to the light and then make the right turn cutting everyone off in the process.  10 or more cars, let's say an average of 2.5 people per car , and these 1%ers have zero problems screwing over 25 of their fellow citizens.  I know they come out the other end thinking how brilliant they are that they just saved their ass 2 minutes, and of course they are so important to humanity in their shitty Toyota Cefiro that those two minutes just saved the fucking planet.  These are the absolute worst people that nature has evolved/God has created and are the first heads I am putting on the spikes as you head into Rome.  

I know I am missing some and will update this list when I remember accordingly.  If you have questions or suggestions on alternate names for these people, operators are standing by.