"That's not who I am" has reached the level of "Thoughts and prayers" to me. Seems like every time someone gets called out for saying/posting something awful, their apologies always include that statement. Rarely do you see someone copping to being ignorant and or having horrible views on such, just sorry, but you misunderstood the really good person that I am. Every time I hear that I know that is exactly the kind of person you are. Did a half assed web search on the phrase and other than an opinion piece by some visionary from The Times-Picayune, the results were from a Disney Jr. song with that title.
Not much in local news this week other than the story that the volcano group we see outside our window, which has long been said to be dormant, is in fact geologically active. It has been smelling like rotten eggs here in the morning all week, but this study is deeper than just that, finding it has erupted about 5,000 years ago, rather than the previously held belief that it has been 200,000 years, and there is an active magma chamber gurgling underneath us. While we are not in imminent danger, our little neck of the woods would be the first to go.
School ended here this week and on Wednesday there was a year end coaches BBQ. They had the typical burgers and dogs going and I have never seen a group of people more deathly afraid of carbohydrates in my life. I am not lying when I saw that 8 out of 10 people were eating their dogs without buns, holding the greasy wiener in their hands as they dipped it into their condiments. Of course it was hot that the ladies were doing it, but c'mon people...eat a fucking hot dog the right way or just don't bother. Of course this ratio is higher as this sample size are mainly workout freaks, but suspect that they are just posing cause they are around their peers. Here is a little fact that you don't want to hear...your bodies aren't that great looking.
Something that happens every time we go to an upper scale place to eat is the question whether we want sparkling or natural water. I always say tap is fine, much to the chagrin of some at the table, but I'm cheap enough to not want to spend 4 bucks or whatever on something that is available and more than satisfactory for free. Anyhoo, sparkling water doesn't quench my thirst and even feel that it makes me thirstier. The inevitable table debate ensues about how stupid getting sparkling is (my side) and everyone else ganging up on me as to how they prefer it and can't tell you why, but argue with me in hopes they can prove their hypothesis that I am just an asshole. So it was with great anticipation that I clicked on an article about the myths of sparkling water in hopes that it would settle the debate. I never claimed any of these to be true, but this article debunks some myths like sparkling water destroying tooth enamel, decreasing bone density, and that it doesn't hydrate as well as still water (as long as there is not added sugars and such). Buried at the end is a quick sentence that says sparking water can "lead to a build-up of gas and can cause bloating and discomfort." It doesn't add the obvious next line that you then fart like cow, but have to imagine that is assumed. I am all for farting, even encourage it, but if farting was a side affect of sparkling water and I still don't drink it out of preference, that should speak volumes.
Don't watch a ton of movies and do not recommend any unless I feel very strongly about them. Sat down with the new Netflix release 'Always Be My Maybe' and recommend it with both hands. Was drawn to it as Ali Wong is a hilarious comedian (her two comedy specials are a raunchy tour de force) and she wrote it with the dude from Fresh Off The Boat. The clincher was hearing Keanu makes a noteworthy cameo and he did. Story as old as time but done well and certainly worth your time.
OK...here we go. I promised you my Costco 10 Commandments (Taiwan edition)last week. As I sit down to write this, I only have 8 and hope that I am inspired to come up with the last two on the fly...kind of like God.
1) Thou shalt follow the directions in the parking lot.
There are direction arrows on the walls and ground for a reason and going the opposite direction cause you think you are gonna sneak into that prime spot is not only counterproductive to our overall well being, it is an affront to God himself.
2) Thou shalt park head in.
It confounds me when folks back into a spot at Costco, Q. How do you put your giant package of toilet paper or flat of fizzy water into the back of your car when its ass is against a wall or another car? A. Poorly.
3) Respect thy greeter and cashier as you respect thy self
You gotta show your card coming in the door and at the register, and you must show your receipt upon exiting the warehouse. Have. It. The Fuck. Ready! It'd be nice (but not required) if you were pleasant to them as well.
4) Thou shalt respect the samples
A few things...have at least one but no more than three. Only have three if you are going to buy. If the samples are cooking, don't stand there waiting but take a lap instead. Be friendly to the sample distributors. Some of them may want to chat and some may want to be left alone. Pick up their signals. Do not abandon your cart, especially in the middle of an aisle, as you wait in line.
5) Thou shalt not covet your neighbors cart.
If you want to see what I am buying, take a glance and be stealth about it. Do not stare or bend in to get a closer look. This one takes on some racial overtones here in Taiwan, but will save that discussion for another time,
6) Thou shalt place the divider after your items on the checkout conveyor belt.
Am I your mommy? Whenever they don't put up the divider, I always put my shit right next to theirs, spooning my salami with their hairy crab if you will, and the speed with which they grab for the rubber orange divider is ninja-esque
7) Thou shalt visit the café.
You know you want one...just get the damn hot dog for cryin' out loud. I do recommend you fill your cup up with water cause soda provides zero nutrition and can ruin a life. I will not even judge if you pitch half of the bun. If not a dog, grab a bake or churro or whatevs for the car ride home.
8) Thou shalt not steal.
Take only the condiments you need for your hot dog and move along. Taking a load of onions or relish home with you to do God only knows what is stealing. .
9 ) Thou shalt put your cart back into the pen
Are you above this menial task? You are not.
10) Thou shalt log onto Costco.com
The deals they offer, and the variety of stuff on there will blow you away, but would guess that 1 out of 10 members do so. Flowers for a loved one, trip packages, and a casket are all things I have bought at one time or another and I need to go on more often.
11) Thou shalt not complain when they stop stocking your item.
There is not a Costco shopper that has not felt a sense of loss when an item they love is no longer stocked. The reasons should be obvious as to why they don't and I do understand your loss...my thoughts and prayers go out to you. Be thankful for having it as long as you did and celebrate its life rather than mourn its passing.
A very Spinal Tap-ish 11 for you. Had to go one more that God just to say I did. This list is not the official view of the Costco Corporation and I am not a representative of said entity. I am simply an avid fan and these thoughts are an amalgam of my experiences and in conversations with many on the topic. It was also thrown together in typical half-assed fashion and so I welcome any additional thoughts or comments on these missives.
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