February 21st, 2020 Germany pt III

Hey there,

Last stop in Germany today...Hamburg.

We were here for three nights.  Before digging into the what's what, some random German stuff. 

Since we were more than a couple days in Dresden, Berlin and Hamburg, we opted for Air BnB for our stays.  These places are always a mixed bag and for the most part would stay in a 2 star hotel over a BnB as at least I know what I'm getting, but for longer stays they are convenient as you can control costs and time by having a kitchen for breakfast and such.  For Dresden, our place was cute and cozy but was small.  For Berlin, the place was giant but dirty and had no interior design personality.   It was a family with small kids home and they just sorta walked out leaving us to deal with their shitty WiFi and disorganization.  Being dusted with OCD on cleanliness and organization. those traits were certainly not in their DNA.  So while Dresden was small and cozy, and Berlin was big and dirty, Hamburg was a Goldilocks just right.

Maria was our host and as soon as we walked in, I fell in love.  Order is a character trait I value highly and Maria's place was the definition.  Everything was where it should be and the apartment had everything a traveler could need.  The place had touches of style that were equal parts utilitarian and fashionable.  What put it over the top for all of us were the heated floors...not just in the bathroom but the entire place.  This is a woman that has life figured out and is a role model for me.  I made up a song in her honor and sang it to the tune of The Who's Athena

Really didn't have to change the lyrics much at all.  A sampling...substitute Maria for Athena.

Athena I had no idea how much I need her In peaceful times I hold her close and I feed her My heart starts palpitating When I think my guess was wrong But I think I'll get alone She's just a girl She's a bomb Athena All I ever want to do is please her My life has been so settled And she's the reason Just one word from her And my troubles are long gone But I think I'll get along She's just a girl She's a bomb

The lyrics careen off the rails into a huge flaming wreck of a stalker in Alice in Wonderland after that, but this was written under a pile of early 80's cocaine and in a pool of alcohol.

Next...purple hair.

I noticed the first night in country and became obsessed with the amount of people, nearly all women, that have dyed their hair purple.  I started calling it out to the kids and for a while they would correct me that the color wasn't actually purple, but maroon or whatever, and it became a fun game for us...I'd say purple hair and they would counter with lilac or periwinkle..  I'm not color blind and the point was the unnatural coloring in all shades of a neon rainbow.  Have seen this before all over the planet too, it was just the volume of women that do it there that was jarring.  And it was never ever the cute chicks, so take this as a fashion warning that if you are considering this move, you ugly. 

Something else peculiar to Germany is the bedding.  Everywhere we stayed, the pillows were square and not rectangular.  Their firmness varied as rectangular ones do, but they tended toward not being squishy enough for me to mangle into the right shape to get my spine straight, but they weren't a deal breaker.  Half-assed internet research didn't find any cultural significance to it but there were a series of chat forums where non-Germans bitched about them and others bitched about those opinions with a common refrain noting that half the world sleeps on the floor and if they're lucky, with a rock under their head for a pillow.  The other oddity noted was that each bed is made not with the comforter over the whole thing, but with it wrapped up like an empty burrito and placed on top.  If it is a double bed, then there are two comforters placed that way side to side so each person gets their own blankie.  This is sheer genius.  As one who always gets the cover pulled off of him while simultaneously being accused of doing the exact same thing, that problem is solved as each has his own cocoon to get toasty in.   This guy's blog Expat Eye on Germany does a decent job detailing the pros and cons.

Another oddity I noticed is that crutches have changed.  Suspect this is not a German thing but that they have evolved and these guys are in the lead of that technology.  They do seem to be in the lead for the need for crutches cause once I noticed the new style all I could see were people using them.  Gone are the ones I grew up seeing/using, with the padded anchor that ultimately pinches that ligament under your shoulder.  This new style has the piece you hold onto but the anchor has been replaced by a C-cup that extends up the forearm to keep it from falling away.  As one that keeps abreast of these kinds of technological trends out of self preservation, they appear to be way better and not that I am looking forward to inevitably using them near future, I approve.

Finally, we were in Hamburg when we heard about the tragic fire in another part of Germany (Krefeld) that did not make headlines around the world.  It seems a 60 year old woman and her two adult daughters lit off some of those Chinese lanterns, which are forbidden in Germany, in a New Year celebration.  One of them landed on the roof of the primate enclosure at the zoo and killed 30 of the animals inside including chimps, orangutans and two elderly gorillas.  It was good that the women were not Asians or would have feared for our well being.  Tragic on every level.  I refuse to go to zoos as the cruelty inherent in them bums me out, and this just takes my loathing of them to new levels. 

As for Hamburg, we didn't know a ton going in.  Our first day was New Year's day, so we just walked around some empty streets and had dinner.  Our second day promised to be interesting because the Boy has a special female friend whose family lives in Germany and she flew in to hang with us for about 24 hours.  For reasons I may share another time, we will call her Spy Girl for the purposes of this space.  Betty, Babydoll and I strolled around the downtown core for a few hours in the morning shopping while the Boy went to the airport and picked her up.  We spent that afternoon and the next morning meandering about and getting to know one another.

Hamburg is a port city and is located pretty far north.  The scenic downtown is relatively compact and has a nice open feel to it.  Some shots to give you the idea.  Spy Girl makes an appearance in the first two.

 This footpath looked like a real Persian rug but was mosaic concrete

 That facial feature on top of the bridge below changes its expression based on the mood of passer-bys picked up via camera and fed through some algorithm.  I suspect Chinese involvement.

Tons of old warehouses along canals.  Hamburg has more bridges than London, Venice and Amsterdam combined.  Wait, I'll say that like a local...Combined!!! 

As I looked for things to to in Hamburg, a traditional walking tour didn't seem justified and the Hop On/Off bus wasn't really needed.  Didn't really plan a ton in town so the first night hit the internet to find something weird for us and hit paydirt.  A Red Light District tour. 

Was a tad concerned as we needed to do this in the evening and the only evening left was the one where The Boy's special friend Spy Girl was gonna be with us and we all will have just met her.  I also had to lie and say Babydoll was 18 cause this was definitely one where parental discretion is advised.  Boy-o said go for it so booked the Red Light/Blue Light tour of the St Pauli district.

This area of Hamburg is not just known for prostitution.  The Beatles cut their teeth here in the 60's and played 8 hour sets between the strippers.  All the clubs they played are gone now, but the main square in the area is Beatlesplatz and provided a perfect photo op.

Our guide this evening was Florian and we liked him.  In addition to taking tourists on tours of the area he also has a business where he helps "guide" groups of dudes on their evenings of debauchery.  We gathered his services were to help ensure the guys didn't get rolled and guaranteed that he was intimate with all of the clubs.  As we walked about he would pepper his comments with anecdotes like how in one bar they had showers on stage.  Not golden ones but real showers and they would get a guy in their party up there and when the stripper pulled down his shorts, all the group would laugh at his tiny penis.  When Florian was done with a particular story, we knew it had come to an end as he would say in a perfectly cliched German accent, "That is how it is." and give a little chuckle indicating that it was supposed to be funny.

At the end of one block as you loop around to the other is what looks like a residential street, but Florian pointed out this building.  In the windows are hairless Asian ladyboys for you to peruse to see if there is one you wish to meet.

The Geiz Club below is special as it has a deal where you can get two sex positions for the low low price of 39 Euros.  You'd be a fool not to go.  And you can save even more money by getting a meal off the dollar/Euro menu at the McDonalds next door. 

We walked past this police station and it was pointed out that it is the facade shown in a long running German TV show about the police and how the main actor of that series, Jan Fedder, had just passed away.  He was obviously a huge celebrity as we then saw his face on newspapers and billboards everywhere.  This was also the point that Florian started talking about the mechanics of the industry.  Hamburg has been a center of the oldest profession since the 30's...Hitler wasn't a fan but had to acquiesce to the 'needs' of his soldiers and allowed it to become hub.  It's reputation survived the war and became an international destination as Allied soldiers were a reliable clientele.  The trade was German controlled and the police had a good handle/working relationship with the industry until the Wall and Communism fell in 1989.  That is when eastern Europeans, the Albanians allegedly, came with their crime families and a steady stream of eastern European women that revitalized the trade but also but up a block to the police as German officers could not infiltrate the tight knit Albanian community. 

Florian also pointed out that the St Pauli neighborhood has the highest concentration of law enforcement in Europe...not only due to the prostitution, but CIA and Interpol for the reason that it was the safe space that the Hamburg cell of Al Qaeda planned the 9/11 attacks.  Had totally forgotten about that part of the episode...

Our guide at this point pulled us into a cafe/bar so we could warm up and have a drink.  As we're sitting there he asks how women become prostitutes.  I think we all had ideas but no one was willing to offer it up cause we could tell Florian was going to enlighten us.  He launches into a disjointed monologue about loverboys.  Not Workin' For The Weekend  Loverboy, but a very thorough and explicit detailing of what a loverboy is, does and how one goes about apprenticing for such a gig.

It was a bit hard to follow but we got the message.  I am not gonna try to describe it from what he said that night but rather copy this clinical description from the Netherlands government website on human trafficking.

Traditionally, a loverboy seduces young, vulnerable girls and boys over a lengthy period of time, in order to exploit them sexually later on. This practice is being used less and less. Nowadays, loverboys resort more quickly and frequently to threatening their victims, using blackmail and violence.

The internet and social media are playing an increasing role in this phenomenon. For instance, social media provide loverboys with much greater scope for establishing contact with victims and gathering information about vulnerable boy and girls. This makes it easier for them to force their young victims into the sex industry.

Have to share this of course...Lovin' Every Minute Of It.

The connection to the Netherlands and Hamburg was unexpected.  Pretty sure most people have heard that Amsterdam has a famous red light district and that you walk down the street and the women are in windows offering their wares.  I have never been there but have seen movies and such.  Hamburg has the exact same thing and is confined to a street called Herbertstrasse.

Women (other than the workers) are not allowed to go on it so our girls and Florian looped around to the other side while the Boy and I did the walk of shame.  I asked if we needed to have 'the talk' before going in.  It was just as you imagined.  Girls in lingerie and bikinis in windows, many yelling out clever lines like 'Hey Baby' to entice you more,  Much like a zoo, gives the same feeling that the inhabitants are trapped and makes you feel sad for their lot in life.  Also makes clear the side of humanity that preys on the vulnerable and has the moral fluidity to be able to do so.

Meeting up with the rest of our party on the other side, Florian asked for a 1-10 grade of the women we saw and he was visibly disappointed when I said 5, maybe 6.  Fake titty tattooed slaves ain't my thing my friend and am being generous with a 5 cause I didn't want to insult you.  If you care to read more, here is a hilariously clinical TripAdvisor review of how to protect your wallet and penis when visiting Herbertstrasse...2 stars?!?

 All in all, depressing, informative and a lesson on the world that needs to be discussed openly cause leaving it in the shadows only allows it to grow.

Spy Girl did not seem to be traumatised and had done a similar thing with her mom in Amsterdam.  Her mom sent her with a box of  homemade cookies to give to us too, so any mom that is capable of both those things is OK in my book.  We all signed off on Spy Girl as well as she played along with all of our games with aplomb and she seems to like the Boy.  

The Boy took her to the airport that afternoon and so it was our last night of the trip.  Maria (I had no idea how much I need her) provided some suggestions on places to eat and since her taste is unimpeachable, we went to them exclusively with great success.  We saved the one that she said was her favorite to the last night cause we knew it would be good.   Ristorante Il Buco...if you get to Hamburg you must go.  Italian food in the basement of an apartment building in a residential area but 5 minute walk from the main train station.  The food was uniformly excellent and we had a bottle of wine.  What set it apart was that there is no menu or specials board.  The dude sits down at the table and tells you what they have.  Like all great restaurants, they don't have a ton of things but do everything they have perfectly.  Not only is there not a menu, but no prices are given, so we are ordering a full slate of chow and wine and know it is not gonna be a budget meal, but that it could break the bank.  We all guessed the price and cannot recall who came closest, but it was 130 Euros, which was commensurate with other meals we had in Germany.  A great way to end our time together.

Time for the trip home.  In retrospect, we all liked Germany, but when we describe it to people, see disappointment on their faces when we say it was only fine.  I feel no desire or need to return and see places we missed.  Really interesting historically, quirky in good and bad ways and unique of course.  I think the reason that I feel that way is that for lack of a better term, it didn't have a 'spiciness' that any of the other destinations that we have been fortunate to visit have.  Still have a hard time putting words to the feeling and when I try, none capture it satisfactorily, but the best I can do today is that wherever we go, there is a distinctive joie de vivre that emerges from the people we meet and the food they prepare that felt closely guarded and hard to penetrate here in a way that feels like they don't want to share it with strangers.  Don't know if that makes sense, even to me, but it's what I got.  

Phew...that's all folks.  I hope to pop one of these out every weekend going forward.  I appreciate those folks that have asked about it.  Stay hydrated my friends.