March 23rd, 2016

Here we are on March 23rd and the weather is still Seattle friendly.  Rain, 60's and such.  The easiest conversation to have with a local whose English is not their first language is about the weather and have that conversation a lot.  They complain that it's cold and wet and I counter with the fact that water brings life.  Have never been able to shed growing up in a desert praying to the rain gods, then living 17 years in rainy nirvana.  My meditation soundtrack is a rain shower. 

The best part about the recent rain is that it doused the fuckers that were out at 6am both Sunday and Monday mornings banging their drums.  Still not sure if it was one of the idiotic funeral marches, where the richer you are/were the bigger the parade they have for you and the louder it is, or if it was some holy day, whose calendar I've never been able to find.  Gong banging, firework lighting and the sad Chinese violin at 6AM on a Sunday should be a crime. 

Quick update on the boy's tail...have started to call him Frank, which is short for Frankenass.  While they took out the stitches last Saturday, they had to re-stitch a certain area (the one closest to his anus), so have to freaking clean and disinfect it every morning.  I may not be religious, but will cite this upon applying for admission to heaven. 

On a personal note, have changed my go to adult beverage to vodka.  As with most kids, beer was easy to get, but never was a massive lover and to this day, will puke before I get drunk enough to enjoy it.  Was ruined on white wine at an early age as my mom used to keep one of those giant jugs of Gallo in the fridge, so it was my first foray into alcohol experimentation with predictable results.  Tequila was dead to me after a party at Matt's apartment in college when I woke up sleeping outside only in my underpants with a snow bank as a pillow.  Rum was off limits after guzzling too much of it on an empty stomach at some stupid soccer game at Seattle's Memorial Stadium, then having my insides come out in the bathroom at Sorry Charlie's on Queen Anne with my mates ultimately dragging me off of a metal bench (and out of a pool of my own filth).  Thanks for doing that fellas by the way.   And gin...cannot remember when that aversion actually happened, but was a Ramones fan and Joey's favorite drink was Tanqueray and tonic, so emulated him at one point.  That phase came and went at some point that is lost with its accompanying brain cells.  As red wine is scientifically proven to be good for you, don't think it counts and will always enjoy a bottle. 

As an adult, one realizes their limits and what they like, and a few years ago, got into the sweet brown of whiskey.  Learning how to pace is key so you can booze for a few hours and not go blind, and grew to love the Irish stuff...Jameson in particular...as the Irish are professionals.  Maybe it is just that I got into that circle or that it is the drink of old dudes, but it seems in recent years that whiskey and scotch had found widespread popularity and cannot enjoy a glass of it without some pompous a-hole telling his tale about how he'll only drink something over so many years of age, that he has a collection of it at home with rare vintages that only he and the Queen of England possess, and that I'm drinking shit.  And these guys are almost always hard core neo-cons (and now Trump lovers) that need to say how it is (fill in the blank) people that are ruining the world.  Talking about whiskey has become as tedious as someone talking about golf. 

Vodka has none of that.  Russians, like the Irish, are pro drinkers.  I'm sure there are "high end" kinds, but everyone seems happy with whatever Costco is selling, there are no origin stories to sit through, and all one needs is a glass, some ice and if I'm going' fancy, a slice of lemon.  I just wanna have a drink, get loose and have a laugh.

A buddy off mine, who is also 50, is going through a mild mid-life crisis.  I say mild as it is manifesting itself in some unfortunate wardrobe choices and an obsession with dietary matters.  Could be a lot worse and he seems to be self aware of it happening.  Got me to thinking if I was going through a similar stage and if/when that will happen.  Feel certain that I have told the origin of the Gomez nickname but at a high level, it occurred in college when I wore a poncho and had facial hair and the above mentioned Matt said I looked like Juan Gomez (confusing me with Juan Valdez) the Colombian coffee picker.  That I still sprout mangy facial hair and wear poncho like attire, does it mean that I am also going through such a phase or have I never grown up?  I tend to think it's the latter and hope that I can trust you, my friends, to call me out on it either way.

Sorry for the extended trip down blurry memory lane...and please note the rare shot of Death in the background

Someone asked me if I knew what Mono was yesterday...seems that it is going around at school.  I didn't and hope to never know...I did ask the boy and he said that he heard about it too and that the Mormons have it as they all date each other.  Ahhh...young love. 

Have CNN in the background today and they are following Obama in Cuba.  Great move on his part...even the dopey right winger dudes Betty and I listen to on our commute in the morning aren't hatting on him for doing so (although they would never say it was a good thing he did).  Think that I said it in this space months ago, but have to admit I was wrong as I predicted that Rubio would be the GOP nominee.  Thought he had the youth and vibrancy to do so at the time and that the GOP would make good on their strategy to pivot towards including Latinos in their platform (instead of wanting to round them up like animals)  So dumb, especially since many would likely bite on the more socially conservative aspects of their "message".  I also recall thinking back then that Rubio was either a political idiot or shameless panderer when he called out Obama for his Cuban outreach.  Sorry to see you go Marquito

This week in TW food news saw two articles pop up about the "cuisine" here.  The first being 8 foods that they say one really should try when you visit Taiwan.  I won't go into each of them as they aren't bad per se, but they are not good.  Flavorless biscuits, sweet sausages wrapped in flavorless rice, chewy oyster omelettes (where the taste of the oyster is completely hidden in oil and becomes flavorless...unless you consider oil a flavor) and deep fried chicken pounded flat (which still tastes exactly like fried chicken only oilier and with less herbs and spices.  Uninspired.

The next article was titled 8 weird dishes only Taiwan locals can appreciate, and the tag line couldn't be more true.  Wouldn't say that I am proud of it, but have eaten 7 of them. 
1) Stinky tofu - While the taste isn't awful, even the locals say that it smells terrible.  And you smell it everywhere all the time.  Comparing it to the smell of ass would be demeaning to ass. 
2) Century egg - You can buy them in the grocery stores or from the nasty bin at 7-11.  Traditionally duck eggs that are preserved for several months in a mixture of clay, ash, salt, quicklime and rice hulls.  Why?  And what the hell is quicklime?  I think I saw them use that on an episode of NCIS to dissolve a corpse.  Not even bars keep jars of pickled eggs on the counter anymore.  What happened to cooking them fresh?
3) Pig's blood rice cake - At least they coat it in peanuts.  If you dig the taste of blood, I suppose, but I didn't get a lot of it growing up in the Valley except when I crashed on my bike.
4) Duck blood - Quoting the article says it all..."duck blood is congealed into a jelly-like substance and then dropped into mouth numbing hot pot or mixed in with your noodles. It holds its shape and has a silky smooth consistency."  At least it is mouth numbing.  Their tip is to "get it half spicy and half with a Chinese medicinal herb broth for extra local flavor". 
5) Chicken butt barbecue sticks - Fatty with a hint of cartilage.  The kiss of death is that they say that it "actually" tastes quite good.  That and you are eating chicken anus. 
6) Chicken feet - Anyone that has been to Dim sum has probably had these...for those that like spitting twenty little bones on to your plate to get the taste of chicken skin.    Chicks look hot when they do that. 
7)  Chicken comb - This is the one I have not tried but will probably have to as I am a completest.  The description is everything you want in a dish...the outside is slightly rubbery, but the inside is a little gooey and chewy.  They don't have pets they can feed this too?  That was just three chicken parts in a row...butt, feet and comb.  I have not seen a single place that sells chicken parm...it tastes so good.
8) Duck tongue - More from the ewwwy gooey rich and chewy aisle.  I think you'd have to kill a dozen ducks to make it a meal.  And don't skimp on the two "extra" stringy bits protruding from the base of the tongue.

March 17th, 2016

March 17th, 2016.  The day Facebook officially died.  My 89 year old mother just friend requested the kids and I today.  I am checking to be sure it is her and not someone trolling or scamming us, but if true, sell your Facebook stock yesterday.

Last I left you, was bringing the Boy home from the hospital from his tail removal.  All good...no infection and he is feeling little pain.  The Doc took out half the stitches last Monday, we are getting the other half out tomorrow, and he should be able to return to his full sedentary lifestyle.  What I never would have anticipated was having to wipe his ass and change his diapers at the age of 16 as I assumed that the next time that would happen would be him changing mine (or at least hiring a Filipina lady to do so).  Suck it up and do your parental duty of course, but that he seems to enjoy people attending to his butt is both annoying and so Imbrogulio.  I did get sign off from him to share some of the gory photos of his ass...have posted them at the bottom of this entry and you'll have to scroll down to see them but know they are graphic and avoid if that kinda thing (blood, guts, hairy white asses) disturbs you.

Have started a new list...Chinese Things That are Better Westernized.  The current Top Three...

#3 - Women.  I know they like their girls demure, with pasty tofu-esque skin and the muscle tone of a person that has been bed ridden for years, much like an astronaut that has been in space for 6 months.  Give me a tanned, muscular and sassy Chinese girl any day (love ya honey). 

# 2 - Food.  I added this to the list as we were strolling through the food court in the basement of the hospital.  As the hospital is a place that is really centered on the local population, the food courts there serve quintessential Taiwanese style food.  Everything is gooey and chewy and oily and I swear that no one looks like they are enjoying any of it...there is no eating with gusto or delight and that it is simply fuel to them. 

Speaking of oil, one of the things I do to assist the local Community Center is to organize their monthly coffee mornings.  This entails finding the speakers, getting the food together, etc, and this month, we had a local lady and friend of the Center come to talk about flowers that are native to the island.  A good talk, and as we are chatting post-chat, the local lady comments on the snacks that I purchased, specifically on the cheese medley.  I know that Asian digestive systems have evolved without dairy, but the attendees to the talks are primarily Western and the cheese gets eaten.  The Taiwanese lady says that cheese is like oil to the Chinese body.  I say to her that I totally understand and counter with the question, "do you know what is like oil to a Westerner that is in all Chinese food?   Oil."  Don't think she got it.  I find myself explaining jokes a lot...I spent 10 minutes the other day explaining the 'I want to die like my father...peaceful and asleep.  Not screaming in terror like his passengers.'

# 1 - Chinese Democracy.  Axl is so misunderstood.

I know that was a long way to go for a bad/obscure Guns N Roses reference, but I have time on my hands.  In reality, Taiwan seems to be doing a better job on the democracy front that the States.  Last time, I shared the 10 things that make President elect Tsai Ing-Wen such a badass, and as I was looking at them again it is clear that she is totally a lesbian.  Unmarried...check.  Is totally in favor of LBGT rights...check.  Loves her cats...ding ding ding.  As is the Chinese way, no one talks about it openly, but the signs are obvious and don't know how I missed it before.  Have asked a few folks that don't get bent about such things and they say matter of factly that she is for sure.  I looked up openly gay politicians, and it seems that while there have been many in governments, the only openly gay head of state was in Belgium and there are very few in all of Asia.  And while she isn't open, love how it is not even a thing that is mentioned.  It is not that they are so enlightened about it as it is like the States in the 70's, where we all loved totally gay celebs like Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly, but no one ever said anything about them being gay.  Or maybe they are totally enlightened.  The boy was in the hospital for 4 nights and we would go and hang out.  Pretty boring stuff so we had the TV on and watched movies and there was this set of two local commercials (in Mandarin) for some video game that played during every commercial break.  The premise of the ad that two guys are standing at the urinal and one of their phones rings.  He turns it on and starts playing a game.  The other fella, seeing his buddy's hands are occupied, reaches over and grabs his friends penis to help him finish urinating.  And then they add a laugh track.  I mentioned there were two commercials, both have the same two guys, but in the second one, after the guy grabs his buddies dork, they cut away to talk about the game, and when they come back to show the two dudes, the penis holding guy now has angel wings that are gently flapping.  WTF?

We came home and I tried to Google them up on YouTube to share with you to no avail, but seems that at the same time, McDonald's ran an ad locally that shows a son coming out to his father and his father accepting it. It got some decent play on international sites and you should check it out as it is not only quite powerful, but you have never seen such a nice looking McDonald's.  I made the mistake of reading some of the reaction to it, and while there are the standard groups that are intolerant cause they are rooted in the past, what you don't see is the part of society that finds homosexuals abhorrent cause they are interpreting some book, written by men to control society by quoting the words of God.  Fuck you Ted Cruz.

Finally for today, have a new theory that I'm working on.  I know that makes your eyes roll, but hear me out.

One of the things I have heard a few times is that many/most of the peoples of the Pacific originally descended from native Taiwanese.  Not China, but Taiwan, and since there is no record of Taiwan being a center of civilization or as a seafaring society, have always found it odd that they would be the one that spread their DNA the furthest.  Then it hit me...in the ancient past, Taiwan was visited by aliens.  Exactly how that went down is lost to time, but I would surmise that some type of alien landed here and was able to breed with the local humanoids.  Their more evolved DNA proved superior and it was naturally stronger and spread further.  Over time, it was diluted and mixed, but it's superiority is still evident today.  I am confident that years from now, scientists will find some strands in the human genome that will prove this, but here is the evidence that led to this theory.  First...they function best in naked and bright light.  For anyone that has ever heard a story of alien abduction, lying on a cold table under such light during their anal probes is ubiquitous.  Second, they are hairless.  How is every other group of people on the planet covered with hair, but the Asians have only in a couple of spots...and what they do have is so different follically than any other kind?  Third, the big heads and shape of the eyes.  I've seen depictions of aliens...lots of 'em...you tell me there is no similarity.

Fourth and finally...math skills.  Think this is a pretty sound hypothesis and welcome your thoughts.  And I am sure that some will find this insulting or racist, but I think just the opposite.  That they are superior to me for instance as they have more evolved genes...I mean, my lineage is still trying to grow a gawdamn tail.

Speaking of which, below are some (literally) nasty ass photos.  Scroll at your own risk.









Hospital selfie...why?

 They kept updating the reader board as we waited during the exam.  Did not sooth our worries.

 Hospitals iin Taiwan park people in beds in hallways allover.  We waited in this corner for about 15 mins before surgery,

 We wheeled him in his bed from his room to ER...about a mile.

 And here are the money shots.  Told the Boy that they drew on his butt so they would know where to operate and not confuse his ass with his face. 

 Brutal

March 6th, 2016

I don't have to head to the hospital for a bit, so thought I'd get out a couple more things while I have a moment...

Mentioned a few weeks ago that I was going to eliminate the word 'actually' from my vocabulary.  I know a lady that uses it in almost every sentence and when she says it, I immediately discount her point.  For instance, "actually, that place is really good." means the place sucks. 

I am now trying to eliminate another word from my speech..."very".  Was listening to Marc Maron interview the famous director Williem Friedkin (The French Connection/The Exorcist), and he made the case that it had no real meaning or value and was used by lazy speakers/writers to describe things instead of using other words.  Made me think about it and am in agreement. 

Two of my biggest bitches about Taiwan are the total assholes on the road, and the brutal weather.  I doubt that I will ever be able get to the point where those two things to not bug me to the point of total frustration/exhaustion/aggravation.  I do have to give credit where it is due and today, I present to you an example of the social honesty that I love about this place.  At the local fresh market near our place is a stand where I buy a veggie drink.  It's called the healthy 5 Vegetable and they grind up the good stuff, add a touch of sweet juice to it and off I go.  They do it in the blender instead of the juicer for me to keep the fiber and if I return the bottle, I get NT$10 (about 35 cents) off my next drink.  They speak no English but seem like nice people and always wave and say hello even if I'm not buying that day.  I went to refill my jug last week after being on vacation so had not been there for at least 10 days.  As I'm paying, the boss lady tells the clerk to hold on, she pulls out the money tray to grab a piece of paper bound up with rubber bands.  She starts in with some speil in Mandarin and gives me back NT$10 and I have to assume that I overpaid with my returnable bottle the last time.  That they would take the time and effort to do that and remember to give me back 35 cents is just precious and it is these little signs of honesty that not only restore a faith in society, but make the decision to hang out here for God only knows how much longer more palatable. 

Was talking to our tax people the other day and asked about something another ex-pat told us, and that is us getting an APRC card.  Currently, we are allowed to stay in Taiwan under an ARC (Alien Resident Card) as Betty has employment.  The second she doesn't have that job, we're gone.  However, after being here for 5 years, we can apply for the APRC (Alien Permanent Resident Card) which would mean that working or not, we could stay here forever.  Of course we will look into that and see if we can keep it while still living in the States, and if it also comes along with permanent access to their National Health Insurance, as it is always nice to have a back-up plan.  I cannot envision ever wanting to live here forever, but I am keeping close watch on this election cycle and shit is weird.  I still cannot fathom the US electing the Drumph, but I absolutely never thought months ago that he would be this close to being the nominee.  It cannot be that the majority of those voting for him are the nativistic racist types as there just aren't enough of those.  The GOP "Establishment" is freaking out and the theory that I've seen put forth that makes sense is that a lot of those voters are simply rejecting the Establishments principles in general.  You hear all of them paying tribute to these priciples...no to gay marriage, immigrants/planned parenthood are bad, guns guns guns, fealty to Grover Nordquist for lower taxes for the rich, etc.  Excluding the above mentioned narrow minded idiots who have never been outside of their own kind, most of us have met a gay person who we cherish.  Most of us know an immigrant (usually in our own ancestry) and can see their passion and understand that they are what made America the greatest country ever.  Many of us have been to planned parenthood.  Most of us hate guns and if we don't hate them, understand that having the most powerful ones everywhere all the time is utterly ridiculous.  And most of us know that the rich get rich because of this country and that they should pay into it at levels that are at least equal to everyone else.  So when they hear Ted Cruz and the like get up there and say that immigrants, planned parenthood, gay marriage is bad and that lower taxes for the rich and guns everywhere are good, and God made it that way...they're out.  My Jesus is diametrically opposed to all of that.  Before (or at least since Reagan) Republicans had no one that was on the side of lesser government without all this puritanical bullshit, but Drumph is that guy and is getting the crowd to hold their nose on the cock grabbing schtick and pull the lever for him.  How can the Establishment not see that being on the wrong side of history is a losing proposition.  Anyhoo, while folks are tripping out on the Trump thing, I am optimistic that this is the death knell for that Establishment and that they will get back to the party of working to reduce government by efficiency and not the one of bible thumping isolationism.  I'd be totally in to reconsider my affiliation and think a majority of us would.  If not, will keep my APRC card close by.

As a counterpoint, have been reading up on the newly elected President in Taiwan, who takes office in May, Tsai Ing-Wen, and she appears to be to good to be true.  The below is from Upworthy, a site that you should put into your rotation.  Enjoy and talk soon.

 

Taiwan just elected its first female president, and she's a total badass.

• February 08, 2016

 

 

​This is Tsai Ing-wen, the newly elected president of Taiwan.

Photo by Ashley Pon/Getty Images.

Next to Holly Holm, Tsai might be the most badass woman on the planet right now.
Why?

1. She's the first of her kind.

 

This might come as a shock to you, but Taiwan has never elected a woman to presidential office before. In fact, you’d have to travel back to the end of the Qing Dynasty to find the last woman who held power during an era there: Empress Dowager Longyu, who abdicated the throne back in 1912. While Taiwan’s status as a country might be a source of great contention — it operates completely independent of China but is recognized as a “sovereign state” by many — Tsai’s win makes her one of around two dozen or so female world leaders currently holding office.
Out of nearly 200 countries. 

 

2. No, seriously, she’s the first.

Aside from being Taiwan’s first ever female president, Tsai is also the first unmarried president to hold office in the country’s history as well as the first person to receive the title without previously having held an elected post of any kind. I can’t even begin to convey how unprecedented that is: It’s like if a former real estate mogul-turned-reality-show-star ran for president in America and actually won!

3. She is a completely self-made woman.

Unlike South Korea's current president, Park Guen Hye, whose father was president of the country from 1962 until his assassination in 1979, Tsai had no familial ties to any of Taiwan’s political parties before deciding to run for president. She had no man’s footsteps to follow in, which makes her ascension to the highest office all the more incredible.
Instead, she’s the daughter of an automobile repairman and the last of his four wives. Tsai was, in fact, discouraged from pursuing her political aspirations early and often throughout her childhood.

4. She ain’t no slouch, either, though.

A brief list of Tsai's credentials:

• Master of laws recipient, Cornell University Law School
• Doctorate in law, London School of Economics
• Former professor, School of Law at Soochow University and the National Chengchi University
• Former chairperson, Fair Trade Commission
• Former consultant, Mainland Affairs Council and National Security Council

A brief list of my credentials:

• Voted "Most Talkative" in high school
• Once hit a hole-in-one
• Likes pizza

Tsai wins.

5. Also, she cleaned up a corrupt political party.

As if Tsai wasn’t facing enough obstacles on her road to the presidency, she also happened to be aligned with the Democratic Progressive Party, which was entrenched in scandal.
Interestingly, Tsai became the trustworthy voice that the DPP needed in turbulent times, calling for the party to focus on its goal of defending Taiwan’s sovereignty as a nation while maintaining a peaceful relationship with mainland China. She was elected as the DPP’s chairperson in 2008 and vowed to rebuild the party’s confidence and defend social justice while continuing to push for Taiwan’s sovereignty.

6. She also bounced back from defeat.

In 2010, Tsai ran for mayor of New Taipei city in her native Taipei and was defeated by Eric Chu. Just two years later, Tsai became the first female presidential candidate, running against incumbent president Ma Ying-jeou.
How did Tsai react to her defeats, you ask? Oh, only by writing a memoir, creating a bilingual website devoted to Taiwan affairs, and founding the Thinking Taiwan Foundation — an organization aimed at “acting as a catalyst for social action through participation” — while patiently waiting until the day she could announce her candidacy four years later.
Again, for the sake of comparison, I went to the grocery store and the bank yesterday and needed a nap.

7. She won the presidency by a landslide.

With 99% of Taiwan’s voters reporting, Tsai defeated Eric Chu — yes, the very same Eric Chu — in an absolute sweep, securing 56% of the vote to Chu’s 31% and nearly twice as many total votes (6,894,744 to 3,813,365, respectively) in the process. Not since Kelly Clarkson defeated Justin Guarini to win the first "American Idol" has the democratic world seen such a one-sided butt-kicking. 

8. She’s a fierce negotiator.

At 59 years of age and with a reputation among her colleagues as naturally shy, Tsai isn’t exactly the most intimidating figure in politics at a first glance. She is, however, a force of nature at the negotiation table, having been compared to everyone from "The Iron Lady" Margaret Thatcher to current German president Angela Merkel.
“Before you attack or criticize her, she will have an answer ready before you even fire a bullet,” said Lin Chong-pin, a retired strategic studies professor and Tsai's first deputy.

9. She’s an LGBTQ rights activist.

In addition to Tsai’s promises to restore Taiwan’s struggling economy, she’s also a staunch activist for marriage equality, regularly posting videos of same-sex marriages to her social media accounts. Before her election, Tsai took to social media to voice her support for the gay pride festivities happening at the time.
"In the face of love, everyone is equal. Let everyone have the freedom to love and to pursue their happiness. I am Tsai Ing-wen, and I support marriage equality," she said in a video posted on her Facebook page.
So not only is she attempting to broker a peace between her native sovereignty and China, but she’s also helping promote a greater global health through social policy as well? Bad. Ass

10. She’s a wine-drinking cat lady like the rest of us.

 

As if you needed another reason to like her.
While owning a cat is not intrinsically badass, Tsai’s badassness has long been established, so by the transitive property of mathematics, her two cats, Tsai Hsiang Hsiang and Ah Tsai, are therefore the most badass cats on the planet. According to The Guardian, Tsai "very much enjoys sitting down with a glass of red wine, reading a book, and spending quality time" with those very cats.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of Taylor Swift announcing her run for president of the Unites States in 2020. 

GIF via Diet Coke.

So, to recap: Tsai Ing-wen is a trailblazing, self-made, tenacious-negotiating cat lady who promotes peace and supports everyone’s basic right to love freely.  

March 5th, 2016

I feel bad that I am not writing as frequently here as I'd like.  It is not due to lack of interest, just have other things happening that take up my leisure time and doing this is fun.  Our hectic vacation schedule and corresponding planning take a lot of time, but have been working out with the schools softball team, and also was asked to run again for the school board.  I wasn't going to, but some have seen some things and heard about others that are cause for concern and feel that I am enough of an asshole to poke and prod to ensure that things are cool at school.  The election is in 5-6 weeks and will share more on that later, but have had to put some info together for the campaign which took up some time.  But the big news this week was that the Boy had to have surgery.

Have discussed before, but he has a pilonidal cyst.  Located at the base of the spine, just above the buttocks, the technical jargon claims that it is caused by ingrown hairs, but why is it focused on one spot only?  It is hard to find it, but the theory is that something in our DNA is triggering the growth of a tail.  My theory as to why that theory isn't well promoted is that the religious types would freak if they knew that evolution was real and that their own body was growing a monkey tail. I had one years ago and it doesn't seem like a coincidence that he has it too.  You could claim, and I do, that we are simply less evolved than others.

His first appeared last summer and the "cyst" was drained.  The US doctor said if it didn't close that she recommended it be cut out.  When I had mine, it closed and did not return, but the poor Boy has been dealing with is since.  Even though the health care system here is considered good, we were reluctant to dive in to cutting on the body...mainly due to a fear of the language barrier, but I have also been trained by a cerain segment of politicians to fear the universal health care system and had a comfort with Americas doctors from experience.

We went to a hospital that was recommended as both being good and able to deal with foreigners.  While part of the national health care system, the department we went to is private and we are paying out of pocket with the assumption that our US health care provider, which we still have and pay for, will reimburse us.  You remember what they said in The Bad News Bears about assuming.

After a consultation with Dr. Chen (who else), he confirmed the diagnosis and that it should be removed surgically.  He called it a pilonidal sinus, which is an acceptable medical term and am not sure which sounds more disgusting...cyst or sinus.  Cyst has connotations of it being dirty, but one would think he could breath out of it if it was a sinus. 

This is typically an outpatient procedure, but the Boys tail was big...you know what they say about having a big tail...so he was set up for an overnight stay at the hospital.  In the States, you can feel the pressure to get you in and out of the hospital as fast as possible.  Giving birth is now close to a drive through endeavor and I doubt that he would have been required to stay overnight in the states.  Here, they had us come in the day before, Thursday at 10:30AM for a procedure to happen the next day at one in the afternoon, and that for sure he was going to stay until at least Saturday.  Two nights for sure and maybe more with complications.  Since we were paying out of pocket, I asked for an estimate as to what all of this was gonna cost us...was told that it would be at least NT$70,000, which comes to US$2,100.  That is cost of two nights hospital plus the consultation, procedure and follow-up.  Seems ridiculously low, no? 

We showed up on Thursday for check in and mistakenly walked in the Emergency Room entrance.  This is the part of the Taiwanese universal health care experience that would freak out the Yanks.  If you get wiped out on your scooter going south and your leg is pointing north, you go to the ER.  Conversely, if you have a case of the flu, you go to the ER.  There has been a case of the flu going around and this ER was jumping.  The entrance and surrounding hallways were filled with people, including dozens on gurneys with hooked up to machines and IVs.  I watched a lot of M.A.S.H back in the day and Suicide Is Painless immediately started playing in my head.  Not sure how he was feeling on the inside, but the Boy was outwardly calm.  Betty was calm to, but could tell she was doing so only to not freak out Boy-o. 

We finally met up with our contact at the registration desk in the main lobby.  We decided to go with the pay ourselves option as it comes with an English speaking team to help with the whole process, so she did all the talking with the registration desk while we watched the mélange of people coming and going.  I wouldn't call it rush hour busy, but let's say it was midday Grand Central station busy.  And as this is a hospital, the clientele are not in their workday finest, but are all in various stages of needing to be at the hospital, so likened it to a busy Rust Belt city bus station.  We watched the janitors, who were omnipresent, coming around dealing with all the waste and other stuff hospital janitors have to deal with and started trying to come up with other gigs that would be worse.  Even though you were smelling shit all day, we were sure that being a Vegas bathroom attendant was better as you'd get tips. 

Our consultant walked him through the registration process and all the initial tests, like EKG, blood draw, height and weight (in metric), etc.  We all liked the device that measured height...you stand tall and the bar comes down automatically and stops when it hits the top of the head.  Like a reverse hit the bell with a mallet carnival game.

Since we were paying cash, we weren't gonna spring for the private room in advance.  He could have gone into one that had 4, 2 or private room, so we spun the wheel and he luckily got a private one.  15th floor on the corner...decent view of the city...not bad.

The last part of the admission process was that he had to provide urine and stool samples...other than when I had to deal with both of those as an infant/toddler, he had not given either in his conscious life.  Having to scoop out a peanut sized piece of his own feces into a jar was a life changing experience for him, but he kept his humor.  We decided that the person who has to deal with the stool samples has a worse job than hospital janitor.

 The last thing for admittance day was the shaving of the area to be worked on, which was his ass.  So glad that he has the go with the flow vibe as having a dude come in to shave your butt, and a battery of other doctors and nurses coming in to look at it constantly seems to have no effect on him.  If I was only looking at his face during his shave, you'd think he was getting a massage.   For generations, the Imbrogulios have been irrationally proud of their asses and all that comes with them, and it is refreshing to see him carry on that fine family tradition. 

He had a schoolbook and computer filled with movies, so we left him for the night and returned around 10am.  Not much to do till they came to get him at 1pm, so I took a walk around the neighborhood, which is right in the middle of the historical downtown core.  The monuments are well designed and the gardens surrounding them are lovingly cared for and laid out.  It is cherry blossom season, so there were many folks out taking pictures and enjoying the lovely weather.

Speaking of which, it had been rainy rainy and in the 50's/60's here for weeks.  Lovely if it is Spring in Seattle, but everyone (excluding me) has been bitching about the awful winter.  This week it finally broke and we are in the small window of glorious weather.  Mid 70's during the day and 60's at night.  Perfect except for the fact it is also humid and polluted.  We had a couple days where the wind blew out the haze and we decided to start counting those perfect days up.  I gave odds that the over/under for truly perfect days in town is 10, and no one I have offered it to has taken the over.  Sad truth is that I am sitting here on Saturday, March 5th at 8:30am, and had to turn on the fan to remain comfortable.

Had a couple of other sightings during my walk.  First up...squirrels.  They were dark brown ones all over the 2/28 Peace Memorial park and were the first ones I have seen in all of the island in the 3+ years here.  I knew they had them but them not being everywhere was weird and finally seeing them was weirder.  Second was in the public bathroom at the Chiang Kai Shek Memorial across the street where an old dude saddled up to the urinal next to mine and I could feel him looking over the partition at my junk.  I pulled it out as far as it would go to give him the show he was looking for and asked if he was satisfied as I zipped up and walked away.  I think (see above irrational confidence) that I'm a sexy guy and feel slightly disappointed that more gay dudes don't hit on me.  I walked out feeling proud.

Surgery time came around and the process was pretty uneventful for us.  First, the lady came to wheel the Boy from his room to the surgery.  It was in another building across the street so was a long haul.  They told us about the procedure again.  First, that he was going fully under anesthesia.  I forgot to mention that the anethesiologist came by the day before to talk about her role.  She fit the clichéd mold that every anethesiologist looks and acts like they are getting high on their own supply.  I've had at least 7 surgeries in my life with these people attending to me, and every single one gives off the vibe that they are highly functioning and heavily sedated.  Note to the kids out there...become an anethesiologist.

Moving on, they would then cut out the tail, clean it up then graft some other buttocks skin over the wound.  Since it was deep, they may have to insert a tube to drain it, which would keep him in the hospital longer.  Off he went and there Betty and I sat.   We both acted cool, but I know I was feeling nervous inside and am sure Betty was totally freaking out.  It's our baby boy...and he's having his fucking tail removed!

To pass the time, have been reading a very good book called 'I Want My MTV', which is a oral history of the birth of the network through the start of The Real Life.  If you are of the age to have experienced the phenomenon, you'd enjoy it.  Was also watching the coming and going of the hospital staff and was reminded of some good times in LA in the early 90's...way before kids and even marriage...when we would go out to see bands many nights a week.  My buddies Howie and Mike, both underemployed, would lounge around and come up with potential band names for their future group.  There were many, but one that stuck out was '6 Foot Asian Nurse'.  While most of the nurses were well under six feet, did see several that fit the description.

About an hour and a half later, they wheeled him past us and said that it went fine.  He was semi-conscious and babbling and they took him to a recovery room for another hour.  After that, he came out and seemed to be in good spirits for the ride back across the street to the room.  With all the attention being paid to his genitalia, there were comments being made prior to the surgery about him being neutered and sex changed.  First thing he said to me when he came out in a lucid state was that his first move after surgery was to reach for his groin to make sure he was still intact.

The doctor came around later and said that the tail was quite deep and that he did have to insert the tube.  Since it is Friday, they are now going to have to keep him there at least till Monday...so four nights in the place.  We then got a look at the area and it is gruesome.  They wanted one of us to stay with him that night and of course, Betty is a  good mom and stayed.  It is now the next morning and she just sent me a snap of the wound with the bandage off.  I would share it if it was my butt, but will respect his privacy.  Look me up this summer and I'll show it to you if you are one of those look at blood and gore freaks.

OK...time for me to collect some belongings and head back to the hospital.  Will try to share more about this, and some other Taiwan topics next week.