Have discussed before, but he has a pilonidal cyst. Located at the base of the spine, just above the buttocks, the technical jargon claims that it is caused by ingrown hairs, but why is it focused on one spot only? It is hard to find it, but the theory is that something in our DNA is triggering the growth of a tail. My theory as to why that theory isn't well promoted is that the religious types would freak if they knew that evolution was real and that their own body was growing a monkey tail. I had one years ago and it doesn't seem like a coincidence that he has it too. You could claim, and I do, that we are simply less evolved than others.
His first appeared last summer and the "cyst" was drained. The US doctor said if it didn't close that she recommended it be cut out. When I had mine, it closed and did not return, but the poor Boy has been dealing with is since. Even though the health care system here is considered good, we were reluctant to dive in to cutting on the body...mainly due to a fear of the language barrier, but I have also been trained by a cerain segment of politicians to fear the universal health care system and had a comfort with Americas doctors from experience.
We went to a hospital that was recommended as both being good and able to deal with foreigners. While part of the national health care system, the department we went to is private and we are paying out of pocket with the assumption that our US health care provider, which we still have and pay for, will reimburse us. You remember what they said in The Bad News Bears about assuming.
After a consultation with Dr. Chen (who else), he confirmed the diagnosis and that it should be removed surgically. He called it a pilonidal sinus, which is an acceptable medical term and am not sure which sounds more disgusting...cyst or sinus. Cyst has connotations of it being dirty, but one would think he could breath out of it if it was a sinus.
This is typically an outpatient procedure, but the Boys tail was big...you know what they say about having a big tail...so he was set up for an overnight stay at the hospital. In the States, you can feel the pressure to get you in and out of the hospital as fast as possible. Giving birth is now close to a drive through endeavor and I doubt that he would have been required to stay overnight in the states. Here, they had us come in the day before, Thursday at 10:30AM for a procedure to happen the next day at one in the afternoon, and that for sure he was going to stay until at least Saturday. Two nights for sure and maybe more with complications. Since we were paying out of pocket, I asked for an estimate as to what all of this was gonna cost us...was told that it would be at least NT$70,000, which comes to US$2,100. That is cost of two nights hospital plus the consultation, procedure and follow-up. Seems ridiculously low, no?
We showed up on Thursday for check in and mistakenly walked in the Emergency Room entrance. This is the part of the Taiwanese universal health care experience that would freak out the Yanks. If you get wiped out on your scooter going south and your leg is pointing north, you go to the ER. Conversely, if you have a case of the flu, you go to the ER. There has been a case of the flu going around and this ER was jumping. The entrance and surrounding hallways were filled with people, including dozens on gurneys with hooked up to machines and IVs. I watched a lot of M.A.S.H back in the day and Suicide Is Painless immediately started playing in my head. Not sure how he was feeling on the inside, but the Boy was outwardly calm. Betty was calm to, but could tell she was doing so only to not freak out Boy-o.
We finally met up with our contact at the registration desk in the main lobby. We decided to go with the pay ourselves option as it comes with an English speaking team to help with the whole process, so she did all the talking with the registration desk while we watched the mélange of people coming and going. I wouldn't call it rush hour busy, but let's say it was midday Grand Central station busy. And as this is a hospital, the clientele are not in their workday finest, but are all in various stages of needing to be at the hospital, so likened it to a busy Rust Belt city bus station. We watched the janitors, who were omnipresent, coming around dealing with all the waste and other stuff hospital janitors have to deal with and started trying to come up with other gigs that would be worse. Even though you were smelling shit all day, we were sure that being a Vegas bathroom attendant was better as you'd get tips.
Our consultant walked him through the registration process and all the initial tests, like EKG, blood draw, height and weight (in metric), etc. We all liked the device that measured height...you stand tall and the bar comes down automatically and stops when it hits the top of the head. Like a reverse hit the bell with a mallet carnival game.
Since we were paying cash, we weren't gonna spring for the private room in advance. He could have gone into one that had 4, 2 or private room, so we spun the wheel and he luckily got a private one. 15th floor on the corner...decent view of the city...not bad.
He had a schoolbook and computer filled with movies, so we left him for the night and returned around 10am. Not much to do till they came to get him at 1pm, so I took a walk around the neighborhood, which is right in the middle of the historical downtown core. The monuments are well designed and the gardens surrounding them are lovingly cared for and laid out. It is cherry blossom season, so there were many folks out taking pictures and enjoying the lovely weather.
Speaking of which, it had been rainy rainy and in the 50's/60's here for weeks. Lovely if it is Spring in Seattle, but everyone (excluding me) has been bitching about the awful winter. This week it finally broke and we are in the small window of glorious weather. Mid 70's during the day and 60's at night. Perfect except for the fact it is also humid and polluted. We had a couple days where the wind blew out the haze and we decided to start counting those perfect days up. I gave odds that the over/under for truly perfect days in town is 10, and no one I have offered it to has taken the over. Sad truth is that I am sitting here on Saturday, March 5th at 8:30am, and had to turn on the fan to remain comfortable.
Had a couple of other sightings during my walk. First up...squirrels. They were dark brown ones all over the 2/28 Peace Memorial park and were the first ones I have seen in all of the island in the 3+ years here. I knew they had them but them not being everywhere was weird and finally seeing them was weirder. Second was in the public bathroom at the Chiang Kai Shek Memorial across the street where an old dude saddled up to the urinal next to mine and I could feel him looking over the partition at my junk. I pulled it out as far as it would go to give him the show he was looking for and asked if he was satisfied as I zipped up and walked away. I think (see above irrational confidence) that I'm a sexy guy and feel slightly disappointed that more gay dudes don't hit on me. I walked out feeling proud.
Surgery time came around and the process was pretty uneventful for us. First, the lady came to wheel the Boy from his room to the surgery. It was in another building across the street so was a long haul. They told us about the procedure again. First, that he was going fully under anesthesia. I forgot to mention that the anethesiologist came by the day before to talk about her role. She fit the clichéd mold that every anethesiologist looks and acts like they are getting high on their own supply. I've had at least 7 surgeries in my life with these people attending to me, and every single one gives off the vibe that they are highly functioning and heavily sedated. Note to the kids out there...become an anethesiologist.
Moving on, they would then cut out the tail, clean it up then graft some other buttocks skin over the wound. Since it was deep, they may have to insert a tube to drain it, which would keep him in the hospital longer. Off he went and there Betty and I sat. We both acted cool, but I know I was feeling nervous inside and am sure Betty was totally freaking out. It's our baby boy...and he's having his fucking tail removed!
To pass the time, have been reading a very good book called 'I Want My MTV', which is a oral history of the birth of the network through the start of The Real Life. If you are of the age to have experienced the phenomenon, you'd enjoy it. Was also watching the coming and going of the hospital staff and was reminded of some good times in LA in the early 90's...way before kids and even marriage...when we would go out to see bands many nights a week. My buddies Howie and Mike, both underemployed, would lounge around and come up with potential band names for their future group. There were many, but one that stuck out was '6 Foot Asian Nurse'. While most of the nurses were well under six feet, did see several that fit the description.
About an hour and a half later, they wheeled him past us and said that it went fine. He was semi-conscious and babbling and they took him to a recovery room for another hour. After that, he came out and seemed to be in good spirits for the ride back across the street to the room. With all the attention being paid to his genitalia, there were comments being made prior to the surgery about him being neutered and sex changed. First thing he said to me when he came out in a lucid state was that his first move after surgery was to reach for his groin to make sure he was still intact.
The doctor came around later and said that the tail was quite deep and that he did have to insert the tube. Since it is Friday, they are now going to have to keep him there at least till Monday...so four nights in the place. We then got a look at the area and it is gruesome. They wanted one of us to stay with him that night and of course, Betty is a good mom and stayed. It is now the next morning and she just sent me a snap of the wound with the bandage off. I would share it if it was my butt, but will respect his privacy. Look me up this summer and I'll show it to you if you are one of those look at blood and gore freaks.
OK...time for me to collect some belongings and head back to the hospital. Will try to share more about this, and some other Taiwan topics next week.
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