You may want to skip/skim over this weeks installment. It is a deep dive into Australian Rules football and am 99% sure it ain't your thing. Then again, to paraphrase the immortal Spice Girls, 'If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with Aussie Rules.'
Whenever I refer to my favorite band, I don't just say their name but refer to them as "My beloved Yo La Tengo." You can only have one beloved of a particular thing and got me thinking of other things that are beloved to me. I even started a Google sheets list and will share that another time. On it so far are some sports teams, but only one sport itself got this designation. From the outside looking in, you'd think that would be baseball as I spend an inordinate amount of time interacting with it, but my beloved sport, the one that gives me the most joy in thinking about, is Australian Rules Football.
More commonly referred to as Footy or Aussie Rules, I think it is perfect as it high scoring, physical in a way that harkens back to simpler times and has a culture that is equal parts progressive and old school. In this current Covid affected season, it is the only sport (worth watching) that is in action and watching how they are handling the shifting realities of playing during a pandemic is fascinating and informative as to how MLB/NFL/etc. will operate this year. Spoiler, the things that Aussie Rules are doing are hard and in a society where you can shut state borders while having under 200 cases a day. Let's say that optimism that baseball/football will be back this year is low.
I came to Aussie Rules in 1981, first seeing it on ESPN as they didn't have any of the big time sports they have now and were forced to show Aussie Rules and lumberjack stuff to fill the time. I would look at it but fell in love during a year abroad in Australia in 1983. 1982 is when Australia broke in the States. The winged keel America's Cup victory and Men At Work were dominating the airwaves, so heading there then was fortuitous. I saw Midnight Oil and INXS before anyone had heard of them in California. And being sent to Melbourne, that town was all about Aussie Rules Football. At that time, it was called the Victorian Football League cause for its entire 100 year history, it was only played at the highest professional level in that state. There were 12 teams then and '82 was the year that the South Melbourne Swans relocated to Sydney in an effort to grow the game nationally. Now, there are 18 teams playing all across the country.
Since all my new family and friends were into footy, I had to pick a side. As a Raider fan, looked for the team that matched their take no prisoners/everyone despises us ethos and the clear side that fit that description were the Essendon Bombers. I followed them all year, went to a couple of games and they made it to the Grand Final that season only to get smashed by Hawthorne. Nonetheless, it was a great run and gave me a reason to puff out my chest. Back home with no internet, it took years before I could follow the sport again. As an example, at school in DC in '84, I had to go to the Australian Embassy and rummage through their library just to read about who won the Grand Final the next year (Essendon revenging their loss the previous year beating the dreaded Hawks). My love was rekindled moving to Taiwan where they would show some games on our cable, then visiting Australia a few years ago and going to a game with the family, and finally the purchase of their amazing on-line package that shows all the games and talking head shows. It takes over the TV as last Sunday, I woke up early and watched replays of the previous nights two games, then three games live all day, and then live postgame footy shows till about 10p.
Some of the little and big things that help in my contention that this is the best sport...
- There is a AFLW women's league that is quite entertaining and growing in popularity.
- There are several female on field officials including a head on-field umpire.
- Unique to Aussie Rules is the Father/Son rule where the clubs that have had players whose sons are eligible for the draft get right of refusal.
- With the AFLW, they are implementing Mother-Father/Daughter-Son rule
- This sport started in 1875, which less than 100 years after the first penal colony. They started it as a way for cricketers to stay in shape during the winter and is why the field is oval.
- Teams have no owners, but are all clubs that rely on members dues to operate and have appointed board members accountable to the fans. Some douchy CEO's, but no Dan Snyders.
- There are rules against flopping and harsh penalties, like game suspensions, if found guilty of overacting.
- You cannot 'root' for a team there as that word means to fornicate. The proper word to use is to 'barrack', a term which has multiple and disputed. You can instantly get an Aussie riled up by saying you 'root' for something.
- They track the amount of ground covered during a game and the high enders are going 13-15 kilometers (9ish miles), which is equal to soccer, except these guys are smashing each other (sans any padding) while the soccer guys roll around like they're shot.
- There are 9 games a week and at least two of them end up being back and forth, up and down, ebb and flow affairs that keep you glued. High scoring too with most being in the 80's and some well over 100 points. There are time stoppages for out of bounds and after goals, but no timeouts and the telecasts go the whole quarter without commercial breaks. Newcomers will watch and say that it is just total chaos, and there are moments where it seems that way in the good sense, but like most sports, the strategy and nuance is exquisite once you are familiar.
- It was a brutally violent game that they have cleaned up with regards to concussions and cheap shots, but they have not legislated out all the physicality. A popular move when going up for a mark is to try and punch it away from the other player, which is legal. As you try to punch it, some will use their forearm and crack the opponent on the side of the head in the course of action, and that maneuver is euphemistically called an 'ear massage'. The name of my fantasy team is The Ear Masseur by the way. During one talking head yuk fest I watched a couple years ago, one guy showed a clip of the other head absolutely destroying a player on the field with a head shot. The host asked if he was suspended for the brutal hit and he said, "no, cause they couldn't find is head." They all then laughed in a way that could only be described as uproarious.
- Indigenous/aboriginal players are a big part of the game and their history in it is mixed with regards to racist incidents. There are indigenous players to this day that get shit from some fans, but the league and pundit class are evolving and it is educational to see how other cultures deal with issues similar to mine. What they don't do is shuffle it under the rug or call the proponents for equality 'bastard' for doing so. In support of the BLM across the world, when they started the season this year before the coin toss, the players and umpires would gather in a big circle at midfield and kneel in support of equality. All of them.
- I am not gonna spend time describing the rules of the sport as there are several good YouTube videos that do a good job of that and are easy to find, but if I were to recommend a classic game, it would be the 1989 Final between the Geelong Cats and Hawthorne Hawks. Classic finish and as brutal a spectacle as you can witness. They even made a documentary about it.
They went after punk ass Hawk Dermot Brereton at the opening bounce like the Japan team went after Moonpie in Rollerball, breaking his rib, and that fucker still played a great game till the final siren. And you're gonna love legendary goon and spectacularly named Berto DiPierdomenico puncturing a lung just before halftime and also playing till the end, then being rushed to hospital before they received the trophy.
- Mullets? They got 'em. Aussies adopted the mullets in the 80's with vigor and will not let them go. When I am preaching the good word to potential converts, I will mention to the ladies that the dudes are fit but not freaks, and that they all wear short shorts.
- Every team has a song and all are throwback in sound and lyric to the 1930's. When a team wins, no matter if they are home or away, the song blares over the PA system. The winning team will gather before going to the locker room and sign a miniature football that they will pass into the crowd. Once inside the locker room, they circle up and sing their song arm in arm in triumph. Below I have shared YouTube audio of each.
Anyhoo... I could go on about the sport but it is getting long and about to get longer. I did my rank of NFL teams a couple years ago and thought that it is time for the definitive AFL rankings. .
1. Essendon Bombers No surprise who is at #1. I am a loyal guy and this is my first love. Essendon is one of the original clubs and holds the record for most Premierships. The 21st century has not been kind to them with few playoff appearances and a devastating steroid scandal in 2013. Everyone still finds them the most unpleasant side and that is fine by me. NFL equivalent: Oakland/LA/Oakland/Las Vegas Raiders
2. Collingwood Magpies If I were to start my fandom today, it would be for the Magpies. Another original team and with 150 years of games with Essendon, I should hate them. Their last two decades have been better than my Bombers on the field, but their off field woes are more heinous including institutional racism, betting on their own team, and a host of domestic abuses. The reason I would choose them is that Collingwood sounds very hoi polloi even though Collingwood is traditionally a blue-collar neighborhood/team, the black/white color scheme goes with anything, and their mascot is a Magpie, which is unique in the world and is the most intelligent bird with a nasty streak. That nickname is often shortened to the 'Pies', which are delicious and is fun to say. NFL Equivalent: Dallas Cowboys
3. Brisbane Lions - When I was there, this team was in Melbourne and was called the Footscray Lions who then merged with the Brisbane Bears in 1997. I had no affinity for Footscray and this team should not be this high on my list, but when we visited in 2016, we went to a game in their home park where the Lions lost to the mighty Bombers. We all had such a great time that night. Their field is lovingly referred to as The Gabba after the neighborhood it is in (Wooloongabba). The Lions were young at the time and have evolved into a top side. We sat behind a family of Essendon supporters that were up from Melbourne to see their nephew Harris Andrews first game for the Lions. Harris has turned into arguably the best defenseman in the sport and I feel we have a connection. It was a great game on a perfectly warm evening, the family all enjoyed the sacred ritual of having a meat pie during the match, and it ended with a Bombers win. But that wasn't all...at halftime, I bought a football to bring home so I could fondle it while watching the games. After the game ended, they announced that all fans were invited to go onto the field to kick around the footy. Oh what fun. Hundreds of people kicking it around and shooting goals. So many of them (and us) getting nailed in the head with errant kicks. So dangerous and cannot imagine that ever taking place in the States. I would bet that this practise will get canceled after someone gets hurt, but still such a quaint display of simpler times. Getting hit in the head with a ball is called a "falcon". Why a falcon? There is an old video of a rugby player getting hit in the head with a ball and even though he is a hall of famer, he is only remembered for that famous clip. That player was from Malta and his nickname was the Maltese Falcon, so getting hit in the mush became a falcon. NFL Equivalent: San Francisco 49ers
4. Fremantle Dockers. Fremantle is a suburb of Perth, a city I have never been but have this weird attraction to. I want to visit that place so bad and have said I could retire there for no discernable reason sight unseen. It is the most isolated major city on the planet, so maybe that is the attraction? Anyway, they are a team that was founded in 1995 and has never won a flag, but they became my defacto second team after my love of the sport was rekindled. NFL equivalent: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
5. St Kilda Saints. This is the team that are the ultimate loveable losers. They've been around for 147 years and have won the premiership one time. They are rarely good and when they are, lose in devastating fashion. I have looked it up before, but there does not appear to be a saint named Kilda, only a desolate island off the coast of Scotland known for a type of mouse. I will always cheer for the underdog and these guys are the definition. NFL equivalent: New York Jets
6. Gold Coast Suns. The other team in Queensland and another lost cause, only this one is a mere 11 years young. In a state that doesn't adore footy, and in the second city of that region that is home to tourists and retired folks, they have not been able to build membership to kick them into high gear. They had a young star a few years ago and seemed to be on the rise, but he had a catastrophic injury and was then traded for money (and became a legend: see Geelong/Little Master below). This year, they had the new superstar who was destroying the league in his first 4 games, and he went down with the same injury as the previous star. Snakebit much? They still have a young side and may make it, but talk of contraction/relocation is never off the table. NFL equivalent: Miami Dolphins
7. North Melbourne Kangaroos. Ah the Roos. Old Victorian side with a few moments of grandeur, but mostly second level. Always short of cash, they were almost contracted after 100 years in the league but were saved in a heroic fan effort. In my year there in '83, they were the top side during the season and had these two aboriginal brothers named Tim and Phil Krakour (pronounced cracker) that were mesmerizing and were like a duo of magicians with the ball on the field, They fluctuate between this dark blue and sky blue color over time, and their sky blue unis with white vertical stripes are the best looking ones in the game ever. NFL equivalent: San Diego Chargers
8. Great Western Sydney Giants. Entering the league in 2009, they don't have a ton of history. Orange and black are typically cool looking uniforms but they screw it up by emphasizing the orange over the black. A strong team with a bunch of stars in this era, they have one in particular that is easily the most hated player in the league. Toby Greene plays hard and is a legendary cheap shot artist, and has a face that you wanna slap so hard. Tons of fun to watch. NFL equivalent: Cincinnati Bengals
9. Port Adelaide Power. First of two teams from Adelaide, South Australia. The club has been around since 1876 but entered the AFL in 1997. Always good but rarely great, am a fan of their color scheme of black/white/teal, and their unofficial theme song that they play before the game is INXS' Never Tear Us Apart. Watching the huge crowd sing it in unison gives me the chills. They may have ranked higher but their team name of 'Power' is a pet peeve of mine in that all team nicknames should end with an S. NFL equivalent: Carolina Panthers
10. Carlton Blues. 10 and 11 could have been flip flopped for me. Along with Essendon, they hold the record for most premierships. Perennial class of the competition, have had a rough run this decade. The family I stayed with in '83 were diehard Blues fans and they were not amused with my Bomber fandom. Find myself cheering for them as I loved that family. NFL equivalent: Pittsburgh Steelers
11. Geelong Cats. My best friend in '83, Damien Lester, was a huge Cats fans. They sucked then, and for most of their history, but have been class in the 21st century. By class, I mean successful on the field only, cause I think they are the chippiest bunch of whiners and floppers in the competition. The announcers talk about 350 gamer Gary Ablett Jr. with such reverence to make you wanna puke. They call him the Little Master in the same annoying phrasing that reminds me of how I hated Don (Donny Baseball) Mattingly. I think commentators fawn over Junior cause he is just like them...short, bald and old. Junior's dad, Gary Ablett Sr, was also a Geelong legend and another piece of work the pundits still steam their goggles over. Senior was a legendary bible thumper that was also sent to tribunal a dozen times for thumping on the skulls of opponents. And then there is this...
In 2000, Ablett was investigated, charged and convicted of four drug offences as a result of nineteen-year-old Geelong woman Alicia Horan dying of a drug overdose (involving heroin, ecstasy and amphetamines) while in Ablett's hotel room. After a prolonged period of refusing to answer police questions – with Ablett stating he had "received pressure from certain avenues not to give all the facts" – he admitted to providing Horan with heroin and other drugs, which he took with her. Ablett pleaded guilty to all four charges, was convicted, and fined $1500
Such harsh punishment in Australia...$1500 Australian dollary-doos is about 50 American. That buddy of mine was such a great guy and friend, I will always have a soft spot for the Cats...but jeez..fuck the Cats NFL equivalent: New York Giants.
12. West Coast Eagles. The other Perth team and the bigger brother of Fremantle having been founded in 1986.. When I retire there, I will go to all of their games as they typically alternate weekly with Fremantle, but will barrack for the other side more often than not. Well run organization with 4 premierships under their belt, they also have a streak of being a bit schitzo in the field, clubhouse and stands. NFL equivalent: Seattle Seahawks (I know...)
13. Melbourne Demons. This is the dividing line team between those that I like/love, and those that I cannot stand. I have virtually no opinion of this side. They are never great, rarely good and usually totally forgettable. The only thing they are known for is a tanking scandal in 2012. I have no idea why anyone would spend time barracking for them except for parental abuse/neglect. NFL equivalent: Atlanta Falcons
14. Sydney Swans. The other team I really have little feeling for good or bad. They play well when they have good players, and struggle when they don't. I have zero animus towards them or their fans, who seem like genuinely nice people. NFL equivalent: Green Bay Packers
15. Richmond Tigers. This is a tough one to rate so low as they are a storied, original franchise with bitchin' colors and classic uniform design. That they get 15th on the ladder is totally due to recency bias as they've won two of the last three titles and are the dominant side in every game. NFL equivalent: Kansas City Chiefs.
16. Adelaide Crows. Adelaide is that team that is always good, occasionally great, and have been since inception. This year they totally blow and is their worst team ever. That is due to a combination of players getting old, managements decision to let the wrong players go, and a culture that became so toxic that it caused an exodus of anyone that had a good soul. They lost the final a couple years ago but had a young and ferocious side. Management felt a little more was needed so organized an offseason boot camp where they hired some military jackass' company to break down the players by humiliating them and using life challenges incorporating personal psychiatric details the club knew in private to degrade them during activities designed to cause duress. Unsurprisingly, some of those personal details used racial and homophobic stereotypes. Shit is hitting the fan in buckets in Adelaide and no one seems to care. NFL equivalent: Washington DC's racist football team
17. Western Bulldogs. Everyone should like this team more cause they have been lovable losers that won their first title in 50 years in 2017, but their uniforms make me want to hurl. You'd think it hard to mess up red, white and blue, yet here we are. NFL equivalent: Buffalo Bills
18. Hawthorne Hawks. Maybe you can tell that I don't have a ton of hatred for any of the clubs so far. That ends here. Essendon's historical mortal enemy, they were, are and always will be detestable. Their current coach is the Bill Belichek of the AFL. Supreme tactician and total ass. They will win games they have no business even coming close in. When they are good, their supporters will volunteer to tell you why, and when they lose it is a conspiracy. And who uses brown and gold as a color scheme (other than the San Diego Padres from the 70's)? They look like what is inside a well used gas station toilet. NFL equivalent: New England Patriots.
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