Hey there,
Has been a strange week. I sat on the below for a few days in hopes that something would change...it has dulled a bit, but still feel the same.
My j-o-b and favorite activity all year long is going out to coach baseball. Last week was the start of our high school team's season and it was tryouts. During the day on Wednesday, get an email from the school letting our community know that a kid had committed suicide and read the name...it's one of the boys on the team. Not just any boy, but a kid that was one of those that was hard to miss. He loved baseball and remember the first time he came out 4 years ago wearing Milwaukee Brewers gear. We had a running dialogue about the merits of Brewer baseball ever since. Have coached a bunch of sports and hundreds of kids, probably starting with the Boy's 5 year old baseball team, so 16 years, and there are only a few that get remembered. Some because they were such little shits and having to constantly say their names after 'stop doing that _____' etched their name into the brain. There are less than a handful of others that I remember cause they were interesting. Many (most) kids are not great at having conversations with adults, but when you find the rare one that does, they stick out. And when what they have to say or their perspective makes you think, one becomes intrigued, and this kid one one of those. The kid that makes you glad that you're out there whenever you'd see him walking up to practice from the other side of the field.
I've been lucky to not have been close to a ton of tragedy in my life, but do know a lot of folks that have passed away. None of those deaths have affected me quite like this one. For all of the others, there was a reason. Old age, drugs, car accident...all of them had a reason and am the type of person that can get through the first 4 stages of grief and reach acceptance if I understand why. Probably why I'm not a religious type cause believing something seems....I don't know for sure what, but maybe mentally lazy is what I would say. This time, am stuck in anger. The service was on Sunday and couldn't go. I could have gone but told myself decades ago that the next funeral I would go to would be the one where I was the guest of honor. I understand that many people need that closure, but they make me super uncomfortable, and you can call me what you want, but I am not going. In addition to that personal choice, I didn't think going to this one in particular would be a good idea cause I would probably have to talk to people and am so effin' mad, and not being a good regulator of saying things I feel, thought I should take me out of the equation.
I'm mad cause I don't understand why he did it. Am not supposed to ask and am told that we just won't ever know. He loved baseball and we were just getting started. Anticipating doing something you love, whatever it may be, is why we all keep on keepin' on, no? Am mad at the kid for taking himself away from us. Don't speak ill of the dead, but that guy screwed up all our minds. Am mad at myself for not telling the guy how much I enjoyed being around him. Am mad at whoever did whatever to him that made this his final choice. You can tell me that sometimes people have mental disorders that cause them to think these thoughts without any outside causes, and I can pretend to understand that, but I really don't. Suicide has always made me mad cause the only ones that suffer are the ones that are left behind. And I'm mad that I feel this way about it. The funeral, the group sessions the team has where they want to talk it through, I can't say anything cause I know what'll come out is the anger and no one wants to hear that. So here we are and am letting it out in this space in hopes to let it go. TBD
David Berman was a musician and his albums with the band Silver Jews are go-to's for me. He was a troubled character and disappeared for a decade or so, but a couple years ago he came out with a new album under the name Purple Mountains that is quite good. He was all set to tour with the new band and was on my shows to see list (pre-Covid), and he committed suicide before the tour started. Re-listening to that album, it is all about suicide and the song Nights That Won't Happen has been on repeat in my head.
Nights That Won't Happen
When the here and the hereafter momentarily align
See the need to speed into the lead suddenly declined
The dead know what they're doing when they leave this world behind
Or quicken our pursuit of what we're guaranteed to find
When the dying's finally done and the suffering subsides
All the suffering gets done by the ones we leave behind
All the suffering gets done by the ones we leave behind
Time we won't spend
Time we won't spend
With each other again
With each other again
Have no doubt about it, hon, the dead will do alright
Go contemplate the evidence and I guarantee you'll find
The dead know what they're doing when they leave this world behind
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