As we rip off the page of the calendar and see September, it is now the most wonderful time of the year. Feels like I write this post every year 'round this time...this is Salute To Sports week.
First, NFL season starts on Thursday. My love for the NFL runs through my blood but am not oblivious to not recognize it is a sport that has serious problems with regards to the concussion thing. You can eat me on the kneeling being an issue as it is as contrived a thing as there ever was. Both my beloved Raiders and Seahawks are in rebuild mode and would not consider them title contenders in any way, but do think one of them is gonna be a surprise and make the playoffs. Raiders would seem to have the easier road in the AFC, but the Hawks have a vibe that may gel. The whole holdout of the stars thing on both those teams could be a divisive clubhouse killer.
Second, the greatest sport on the planet (Australian Football League of course) enters its postseason, also starting on Thursday. My Bombers missed the final 8 this year, but they looked strong at the finish and the kids coming up, cleverly called the Baby Bombers, have me feeling that a 3-5 year span of deep Finals runs starts in 2019. For this years playoffs, cannot see anyone touching the Richmond Tigers for the second straight year.
Lastly, the baseball season hits the stretch run. My teams are the huge budgeted way overdue for a title Dodgers who very relevant again being only a game out of their division in a very down National League, and the perpetually poorly run Mariners in the midst of their annual late season swoon and will add to their current distinction as the team with the longest playoff drought in professional sports. Like the NFL, talk of baseball becoming irrelevant is a common refrain, but those saying that are wrong. The shift and launch angle bends the crotchety old purists the wrong way, but like the dinosaurs, they won't last much longer. The change in the way people digest the sport, with the common criticism of the youth today not having the patience to sit without touching their phones every 10 seconds, does have merit and is certainly not limited to the kids, but I truly believe that will smooth out too and baseball will be around and healthy till the end century. The season long story lines (good and bad) are unmatched and reward us devotees annually. October postseason baseball, with the chill in the air....ahhh.
Think I mentioned before the summer break that the kids school came to me and asked if I'd like to get paid for coaching baseball. Have been volunteering for several years so when they offered to pay me to do something I gladly do for free, it feels like stealing. Betty has a line that the school had to do something cause the parents were asking what this weird dude was doing hanging out with their kids, but I had been vetted previously by the authorities (both US and Taiwanese) as to not be a little boy toucher. I keep telling people I am not interested in the boys that way, but their moms? To quote Richie Cunningham..."Yowza yowza yowza."
Had the notion that the school thought that bringing me in to their ranks would mute the criticism I have of the place, but much like Omarosa, sometimes the calls are coming from inside the house.
I would like to think that they recognized my coaching prowess and were compelled to lock me into a long term contract, but the reality is that they have these laws in Taiwan where foreigners not only cannot get a job without a work permit, but we are not allowed to even do volunteer work without being registered with the government. As I am now an employee of the school, they initiated a background check that went all the way into my past. I had to get a certified copy of my college diploma and they verified my employment history all the way back to 1982. Finding people that could do that was tricky but am happy to say that I was able to find principles in all of the companies I worked for and even more pleased that I still had positive relationships with all of them that far back. Seems I never burnt a bridge, which surprises you as much as it does me.
We started practicing last week and this first month is working with the 6th graders. So much fun, They are squirreley and open and such a delight. And none of them have heard all the old gags so my material is fresh and new to them. "Your arm hurts? Well your face is killing me." is as funny to them as it was to me when I was 12. It was raining last night so we all went to a classroom and did a 'get to know' you exercise. One of the things we had to do was write one thing that was true about most, one thing that was true about some, and one thing that was unique to you. My card was one of the ones read aloud and I thought that "Not liking to take showers" would be true for most in a room full of 12 year olds (it was), that 'Liking to watch baseball on TV/online" would be true of some, which also proved accurate, and that having 6 knee surgeries was unique to me. That made an impression on the kids and they now understand why Coach Imbro doesn't move around so well. Afterward, one of the kids asks if it was true that I had that many surgeries and after I said yes he asks, "so that's why you walk like that?"
Not all the kids call me Coach Imbro. When the head coach was introducing me to the team, he says that my last name is "the same as that singer with the song...the pretty lady...what's her name?" of course I know he means Natalie Imbruglia, but also know that none of these kids have any idea who she is. I quiz one of the kids later, one of the ones I instantly like cause he is all in on the San Diego Padres and that is the kind of kid that is endearing immediately, and ask him if he remembers my name and he blurts out without hesitation...Coach Pretty Lady. That kid has my vote for MVP.
As part of the coaching process, the school requires that the coaches take an online course and as I'm plowing through it recognize that I had taken it before for some youth league. Some of it was valuable, like tips on how to deal with unruly parents and emphasizing respect for not only yourself and your teammates, but the opponents and officials that seem obvious but are still issues to some. The part of it that bugged me this time as much as it did when I took it years ago was the parts on criticism sandwiches...better known in the trade as a crap sandwich. They recommend you always put your "criticism/crap", which is really just instruction on how to fix what they messed up, in between two pieces of praise. You tie your shoes well, you need to not space out and let the ball go between your legs, thanks for showing up on time. I tried it a few times and was always clunky at best and it always felt like it was a part of the 'trophy for all' culture that anyone who has ever played a sport detests. I (grudgingly) finish the online course and the absolute next website I look at is titled this...Beware of bosses handing out crap sandwiches.
That article outlines everything I felt was wrong about the sandwich. The person eating it either doesn't get the message and thinks they are still great, or they realize the false praise for exactly what it is and the message is lost. Of course you shouldn't harangue a person to tears, and people need to have their egos stroked from time to time so as to not lose faith in themselves, but I would rather be direct with you about what you did and offer suggestions on ways to be better at it and move on. When they do do it better, the praise of accomplishment is so much more rewarding. And let's be honest, if a kid (or adult) just doesn't get it, or the skill set is not within their powers no matter how hard they work, maybe they need to hear that too?
A quick diversion from sports to relate a happening from last night cause am afraid I'll forget. It was Back to School night and the one at our school consists of parents following their kids class schedule meeting the teachers and hearing what they have in store for the little ones that year. 8 minutes in each class, then movin' on. We also got to take a break when the schedules had free periods so we could mingle. I said to one of the like minded dads that why don't we do what we did during our free periods back in our day and go get high in my Pinto in the parking lot.
I prefer to do improv rather than rehearsed material, but always go in with a couple of gags chambered in case the situation arises. We're in chemistry class and the (very serious)teacher starts off with his bona fides. Whenever we go to these things am always amazed at how accomplished the teachers are at this school. One guy did his undergrad at Cambridge, Masters at Harvard and taught at Princeton before coming here. Another had Yale/Harvard/Stanford on the resume and it repeats in each class. Stellar. Anyhoo, the guy is finishing off his 8 minutes and says if us parents want to help with our kids homework that we can go online and look at his lecture notes and such. Perfect set-up...I turn to another set of parents that we kinda know and said for the room to hear..."Funny he should say that cause Babydoll asked me to help her with her homework last night and I told her sure, but that I have had a couple of drinks and if that was OK. She tells me that alcohol isn't a problem dad...it's a solution." Am sure the teacher had heard a version of that before, but I got the point of approval from him.
There was one other joke I made to Betty only, and I had to type it on my phone and show her cause it was so inappropriate that it would be grounds for expulsion if anyone overheard. It was so egregious that I will not even put it in this space so you know it was bad. We come home and are talking about our night with Babydoll and Betty tells her that one. While she laughed hard, I was totally embarrassed/ashamed to the point that in the car this morning had to tell B-doll not to breathe a word of that to her friends and asked if she understood just how wrong it was.
The intention today was to spit out the last part of summer travelogue but am rambling on and will save that for another day. However, since we are on the topic of baseball, will relate one Seattle story for today.
Every year when we go back, and for several years before we left, there was a group of us fellas that all go to at least one Mariner game per season. Our love of baseball varies, but we all love this night as it is the only one where this particular group of guys that have known each other for a couple decades get together. There are bets involved that require the purchase/consumption of alcohol, and I would say that at least once every couple of years, there is some kind of "incident" that becomes lore. The stories are recounted annually at the pre-game feast at the same Chinese restaurant and then we all head in for new memories to be created. The foul ball game, the getting kicked out for smuggling booze night, the night we had the pre-game feast not at the Chinese place and of course, the "never get out of the car" incident. This year was a good one and it included an actual assault.
For some context, it seems that every year when we go the Mariners are playing either the Red Sox or the Blue Jays. We all know that Sox fans are the most loathsome in all of Christendom, but going to a Mariner v Blue Jay game is a unique torture as this is all of western Canada's chance to come to America and see their national team. Combined with the apathy of Mariner fans in general, the stadium is loaded with Canucks and it is like a home game for them.
I wrote up the below the next morning before coffee and said I would punch it up in post, but think seeing the unvarnished version would be more enjoyable. The names below have not been changed to protect the innocent...
"I was not drunk last night, but was well lubed and am not entirely sure what happened, but here are my recollections.
After a fine throw down at The Garden we made it to our usual seats in the LF Pavilion without incident. Do not recall any conflicts of note between us fellas but if Stephen recounted one more of his sons swimming exploits, he was gonna get thrown into the shallow end of the pool face first.. I am glad that your son is a potential world class athlete, but does swimming even count?
The game progressed as most Mariner games do this time of year. and was a microcosm of their season. Some early hope that this could be the night, followed by some peddling in place in the middle, then totally crapping the bed at the end. The banter with our Toronto fan neighbors started early and by all measure, was harmless. The usual stuff...Canadians lack of hygiene, pervasive alcoholism, etc. The cute nurses from rural Canadian oil fracking country were down for some trash talk, and in my mind some light flirting (until Stephen sat with us and they abruptly got up and left for the night). Hassled a couple pre-teens about their allegiance to the Maple Leaf and then settled in for the last few innings going back and forth with the mother/son duo from Vancouver and the two ambiguously gay neo-Nazi Mariner fans in front of us. It felt like it was all good natured and such.
Another story line of the night was Kyle Seager. I started in early saying he was the true cause of the Mariner woes, batting .226 and not providing any Sodo Mojo. Then he alligator arms a grounder that ties the game in the second inning (was an E-5 but ruled a hit) and it was pile on Kyle Seager night for me
First Bennett, then Spranger leave early, cause they are Spranger and Bennett. In the top of the 9th, M's down 4-2 but with a Mariner season full of come back 1 run victories, the Mariner faithful are hopeful Then Seager commits two horrific errors allowing 3 unearned runs to come across (so a total of 5 runs he allowed due to perpetual suckiness in this humble fans opinion). I launch into another anti-Seager tirade and the "woman" behind me lost it. To this point, we have had zero interaction with her, but she had to have been listening in all night and had had her fill of yours truly. I cannot recall all of the dialogue but I must have questioned her sexual prowess as she declared that "You wish you could get a blowjob from me cause I am the best" at it. At one point, I am leaning straight back and she is looking directly down into my face screaming "I hate YOU". Then she knees me in the back of the head (the alleged assault) and things calm down from there. Patrick tells us later that he saw the usher come over and told her to cool it.
We, including the meth head adjacent boys and the Blue Jay fans we've been having a conversation with all night, are gobsmacked by her outburst I was riding Seager pretty hard but don't recall being vulgar other than maybe a few swears. Patrick thinks it coulda been Seager's sister, but if he got her such shitty tickets, then I'd add that to his list of transgressions.
Anyway, that capped off another memorable night with you all. Said goodbye to Patrick and Stephen as their Uber came and my bus to Issaquah arrived. That bus was jammed and half of British Colombia was on it. I got on last and said to the bus driver "Is this the bus to hell cause that is where all Blue Jay fans go" and she liked that so much she let me ride for free. The Toronto fans had fun with it too. Lighten the fuck up Seattle..."
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