August 21, 2012

August 21st, 2012

The two most frequently asked questions received I've so far are; do the Asians in Asia drive like they do in the US, and how do the girls look? Am going to tackle the chick habit later as it is a very complex topic (and check out Quentin Taratino's Deathproof sometime soon if you haven't already). But as for Asian driving, here is my working theory. First, there is no where to go. By that I don't mean that there aren't fabulous destinations, but rather that once you have passed a car, there is no open road ahead. I am used to the US where, anywhere but in the densest cities or in bumper to bumper traffic, once you slice and dice up traffic to get ahead of the pack, there is usually some open road to drive a few miles over the speed limit or just cruise unmolested. Here, once you slice 'em up, there is another stop light or someone going the speed limit, so you never really get anywhere fast. Sidebar...they ALL go the speed limit as there is a uniform fear of the traffic cameras that will catch you speeding anytime or anywhere, after which you get a bill in the mail and driving priviliges suspended after so many infractions. The fear of big brother keeps 99% of the motorists at the speed limit at best. So with everyone going slow, and streets or highways with anymore than two lanes in any direction being super rare, you just cannnot break free. In the cities, it wouldn't matter if you did anyway cause the traffic signals are impeccably timed to ensure that you never make a green light. 'Never' might be a slight over exageration, but very slight. So when I think back at all the Asian drivers going 35mph on the Aurora Bridge (or whatever street that is a 40mph limit where everyone typically goes 50-60), am now understanding that their driving DNA is hard coded with a fear of the electronic Man, and the knowledge that there will be no payoff for gassing it. That is not to say that there is no agression on the part off the local drivers. In fact, it is their local type of agression that translates into the other major sterotype of Driving While Asian. That is ,of course, driving while always looking for an address. Here is the dirty little secret...they aren't looking for their destination, but are rather looking for other vehicles around them in anticpating a way to cut them off. Since you can't 'go' anywhere ahead, the immediate space that you are in becomes the ultimate prize, and the one that everyone else behind you wants. Imagine this...you are on a road that is two lanes in each direction, and as you approach an intersection, there are arrows on the road and on signage above that show left turn in the left lane, and straight ahead in the right lane. You'd think that you would then be in the left lane to make a left, or the right lane to go straight, but it is JUST THE OPPOSITE! You are rewarded by going down the left lane to get ahead of the pile of cars that are stacked up in the right, and then slicing over just in front of a car in the right lane and continue along straight. When I say 'just in front', am talking millimeters. And remember from previous posts, that the person in front here has the total right of way regardless of how bizarre or spontaneous their maneuver is. Conversely, if the cars are stacked up in the left lane to go left, then you cruise down the right lane and then veer into the intersection in front of the first car in the left lane waiting for oncoming traffic to stop to make the left. Have regularly seen 3 or 4 cars sideways in an intersection waiting to go left. And if multiple cars try to make that maneuver, then sometimes they stick halfway out into the right lane partially blocking that one too. Taking it further, if you are going straight and come upon cars partially blocking the right lane making these insane left turns, the natural reaction is to veer a bit to the right to go around them, but there are a hundred scooters all flying a foot or two on your right hand side, so you have to be careful not to wipe out the family of four. So the agressive driver is constantly scanning the road looking for the opportunity to snake in front of everyone else, or to prevent someone else from doing that to them. The best way to stop people behind you then is to continually drift from lane to lane, effectively blocking both or to jump in last second to whatever lane is best for yourself . I was a huge fan of the T-Birds roller derby team growing up, and I use the strategies learned from watching them everytime on the road. I defy anyone to find a better comparison. By the way...Sally Vega was totally the first woman I had a crush on. Total bad ass and so hot. Funny how I probably hadn't thought about her since I was six until this moment...wonder what she's doin' now? Bet she is an arthritic mess after all those spills. Man...the names are flooding back...Skinny Minnie Miller, Ralphie Balladeras. Does anyone have these same memories? To recap...the drivers go slow, but are hugely agressive within small spaces and are Drifters out of (preceived) self preservation. Sound familiar? I know this theory will evolve over time and am asking you to challenge any part of it in a desire to prove and perfect it. Once it becomes scientific fact, we can then start the healing process. Final note, a buddy just sent me this link on the face-kini from NPR. So many gags come to mind, but they aren't needed cause it says it all.